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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everybody.I hope you can take sometime to read this, as i am in desperate need of some help.If i may say,i dont want to be told how stupid, immature or pathetic im being. I just need some advice,to really help me out, as my problem is ruining my life.Here goes, ive been with my boyfriend for 7.5 years.i met him when i was 16, he was 25 and we were both virgins, and we have only ever slept with one another to this day (imnow 24, hes 33).Our r.ship started off great,we were very much in love. Then 6 months later, i went on a pill called marvlon (which i now believe to have been taken off the market here in england).I reacted very badly, i was depressed,insecure to the point that when it got bad,i didnt leave the house,i was convinced i was ugly, and got threatend by almost every woman i saw,thinking my b.frend wanted them.Luckily,after 2 years of this my sister said it could be the pill,as they had all noticed a huge changein me, for the worst. i came off it immediatley,and became better and better, i was that relieved when itwas over,i jumped for joy.The reason i tell you this, is because its left me quite scarred, in regards to insecurity and my outlook on life now.Years went by, we still managed to stay together, he loves me very much, but things were rocky most of the time.Then 2007 came, we moved in together and things were great until May. I kicked off because i found sleazy newspapers in the bin which hed bought home from work,i accused him of reading this trash ect, and it resulted in a huge row, because i admit, hed taken so much from me accusing him of other women ect that i dont blame him for being angry.Marvlons demon would sumtimes biteme in the butt.Imoved back to my parents. And i went abroad for a week (which he insisted as we hadnt had a holiday for 3 years).When i got back,i found he had made a myspace page (we had the internet when we lived together, although he never used it and was new to it all).I took my laptop when i moved out, so he must have bought1 when i was away.So he hed this mypace page, no mention ofme at all. and status single, and a busty blonde model as 1 of his 2 friends he had added. i was hurt.Iwent on to find he was on aol chat, chatting to many many women.Then i found he also set up a profile on a sex chat page. i was gutted, mortified and totally in disbelief.He never told me this. i found it by snooping.I confronted him, and he said he was angry bla bla bla and i said id give it another go.He promised me that he had not been on porn.and we went on holiday for a week to try and sort it out.I foundwhen i got back, not only had he been on porn.but was still doing it the very day he was looking for our holiday online.My world crumbled, hed left many many footprints,several sites in particular would appear (they must have been his favourites) he typedin stuff like 'sexy girls bending over' and'poledancers' and 'microthong pussys'.My world did crumble. And i left him. We were apart for approx 3-4 months.We then decided we didnt want to throw all those years away, and we still loved eachother. Soi gave him another chance.So we approached March 2008. And my birthday came, and the night before he caused an argument, threw my b.day card on the floor at me and drove away. he didnt come to my birthday doo.A week after my birthday, i found he had gone on porn again on his mobile phone.I just couldnt believe he would do this to me.His explanations for the whole porn thing was that he was angry at me, and porn is boring and doesnt do anything for him??? and also says he did not masterbate or get aroused.I am now in the poition that i cant live with it.Weve only ever been with eachother, and he has betrayed me, and disrespected me, and hit me where it hurts most.I cantimagine himon porn,sitting there, looking at it all. im destroyed. H wants to make a fresh start and wants to by a house round the corner from mymums soimhappy, but i just dont trust him!!!!I feel hes looking at women and wants them,or watching tv i think whenever sthing suggestive or a half naked woman appears i just hurt sobad.Ifeel 2nd best, i feel he doesnt want me, he wants slags,i just canthelp it.And the thing is, im an attractive woman,get lots of attention, i even get asked if im a model? and people tellme i should be 1. But it all means nothing.I cant except my b.friend has done this, then did it again on my birthday.i need help. do i walk away?? or do i stay and make a go of it?? its just every day s.thing reminds me, and i feel sick with hurt. its not a life, i dont smile anymore, ive died inside.Sometimes when we argue, he even says 'no wonder i looked elsewhere'.In order for me to carry on,how do i overcome the trust issues? and thinking 'he must like her or he must like that cus its sleazy'??Even sex,imtotally turned off!!! he seems obsessed now with bending me over, and looking at me ect (you catch my drift) he used to like it before, but now it dominates. To the point i dont want sex anymore.Even being at work, imthinking whats he looking at, is he looking at a dirty mag hen will hideit fromme, or is he eyeing up girls all day.Itreally is a mess, and im trying to explain as best i can. But this is no life to live, to be this miserable.Its imp to keeptrash out ourlives, so i dont know what to do.Please, please sum1 help me.He said he wont doit again, but he did didnt he, he did it on my birthday, and i had to go threw his phone to find out.Once bitten twice shy.its ruined usIm gutted.I cry everyday.
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at work, both virgins, depressed, immature, moved in, moved out, myspace, on holiday, porn, shy, the internet, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LittleMissInfo  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 hiya,Personally i think some of the comments people hae left you are quite extreme. Some people are saying that "most men don't watch porn" and other are saying that "men watch it all the time". It is true, some men like porn, where as others dont, all men are different.My boyfriend used to watch porn, and admitts he still does. When a friend brought up the topic, i told them that he watches it, and they were freaked out - similar to your reaction - but i don't think there is anything wrong with it. I just see it as a way for him to have some alone time and enjoy himself. At the end of the day, he is coming back to bed with me, not those girls on the films.Maybe you should try watching it with him? See how he reacts to things, what he likes best, then you might be able to experiment with him, as i find watching Porn together makes you even more horny than usual, and more relaxed into trying new things.Just be open to his views, dont let some magazines and DVD's ruin a 7 and a half year relationship.LittleMissInfox
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Most men don't look at porn. When you are around 14 or 15 its used as masturbatory material. It helps a boy discover his body.
Gradually the boy will grow into a men, and hopefully get a partner, in a healthy relationship most of his time will be spent following his hobby or bettering himself educationally or in the work place.
If his hobby is wanking to porn you have a problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): hey, i've been in a similar situation and i know how you feel. i dont think you're being stupid at all, but all i know is if you cant trust him then you cant be with him, otherwise it eats you up inside and turns everything bad. walk away and find somebody who cares enough about you not to upset you like this. good luck x
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A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Okay, first my bias: I am a woman who supports her husband watching porn. I know that men like to look, I know that these women have nothing to do with me, and I know that given a choice between me and the fantasy porn-lady, he would choose me every time.
I also feel that asking a man to stop looking at porn is asking him to hide it better. Again, this is MY bias.
That said, I'm concerned with something else with your relationship. If you don't like him using/watching porn, then that's a reality of your relationship. He shouldn't lie to you about it. He shouldn't use it as a way to get back at you when he's angry with you. If he can't be honest about it, it says something bad about him. If he feels it's something he needs to hide, then clearly there's something wrong.
I think the two of you need to separate permanently. You have different values, and you need to go with yours (and he with his). You will be miserable over the long run if you stay with him.
Hon, you deserve to be with someone who shares your values. And I know you've been with this guy for a long time, but the guy for you really is out there for you. Don't be caught up on THIS guy when Mr. Right comes along.
Cut this guy off cold turkey. Give yourself a chance to heal, and build up your self-confidence. To do that, join a sport club, sing in a choir, take a dance class, go to church, ANYTHING, as long as you keep busy and feel good about what you're doing (bonus points if it's with other people). If you keep at it, one day you'll look around and be surprised that you feel good in your own skin. It will happen, I promise.
And another thing: self-confidence is SEXY. Once you're comfortable alone in your own skin, suddenly you'll be very attractive to healthy men who are also self-confident.
Good luck hon.
P.S. I do have "exceptions" with the porn-is-okay thing: I consider online "chats" the equivalent of cheating; that's more than just looking. And if he's using a shared computer to check out the porn, then I cry foul -- porn sites are notorious for downloading crap that will screw up your computer (ad-ware, malware and viruses).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): He is obsessed with porn & women, sex in general. I would leave him. You'll never be happy with him, things will just get worse. Please leave before you get married or pregnant (God forbid) because then you'll be stuck and he'll know it & feel he can do whatever he wants & not bother to hide it. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't love you. Especially from the way he treated you on your birthday and setting up sex sites, chatting to other women while you're away, etc. He won't stop, so don't even try to make ammends. You're 24 now, you've only ever been with him, but it is time to move on. Life is short, you'll only grow older and less desired so I would do this now. Leave him to his shallow, trashy devices. You are obviously more moral of a person & I don't think that this is a good match, being that he likes trashy slags. I know it's scarry to move on, but trust this, when you do you'll be a lot happier. How could it be worse than it is now?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Its simple your man views women as no more than meat, and this includes you. You seem to be stuck in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together.
There is no future with this man, his addiction to porn, internet sex chat reveals an immature adolecent mind.
Move on and get yourself a real man.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): No it's not his porn viewing that is destroying your relationship, it's your reaction to it.
Sure he could be more considerate, but he is what he is. Most men look at porn. Find out what it is he particularly likes about it, then work on that. If you can't do that and he (clearly) won't leave the porn alone, then both of you are wasting your time trying to be together.
Don't get stuck in years and years of trying to put it "right" without ever getting to the bottom of it together. It's about both of you, not just him or just you.
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