A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 30 years old and he has 5 siblings but have to take care of 2 younger ones after his mother’s death 5 months ago who died tragically. I understand it is a great loss to get over I had lost my father too so I know how it feels like loosing a loved one and I also know people deals with loss differently, but either way life goes on. Our relationship is almost 2 months old. He no longer communicate with me very well I would like him to chat with me with more enthusiasm in his voice but recently he has started talking to me lowering his voice as if he is in deep sleep or bored he doesn’t behave affectionately towards me anymore and this is very frustrating because when I tell him how I feel he says we are fine nothing has changed but somehow I feel him pulling away that I even ask myself if he is just afraid to tell me it is over, I like him very much and I think I am falling in love with him. Most of the time he complains about the sudden death of his mother which left him a lot of responsibilities. He constantly talk about his future plans but I only hear his siblings in there and I am not, when I asked he says he is looking into moving in my hometown to be close to me that’s why he is concentrating on his siblings for now but I am finding it very dodgy. We live in different towns which means we can’t see each other every week because of the traveling expenses that have to be incurred during each trip and other responsibilities hinders the opportunity because of this circumstances we chat everyday through e-mails and telephone calls, but recently I am the one calling him when I asked him why he is not calling he says its either he got busy and forgot or he dosed off while watching TV or studying and when he realized he still have to call me it was too late and thought I am asleep I must not worry he is not neglecting me. I am trying to believe him but it is not easy because in my past relationships when my ex stopped calling me it meant he was no longer interested so I don’t want to compare my relationships, but what can I do to make him give me some attention as his girlfriend? Or what questions should I ask him indirectly that will give me an answer if he still onto me or not? I am considering leaving him because I don’t want to get hurt as I told you I think I am falling for him but at the same time I am afraid he is not letting me in because he is still struggling to come to terms with his mother’s death and all the responsibilities incurred by this tragedy, if the latter is true how do I help him cope? Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx guys for all your very objective responses I think I really needed to hear that, but Camille I’m not messed up when you have been in painful relationships you learn to be cautious the reason I wanted to leave him was that I’m falling for him so I didn’t want to get hurt as he is not opening up to me about anything I have to pick up that he is hurting only if I mention something related to his pain other than that I won’t know anything, I am trying so hard to understand him, but sometimes I need him myself and he doesn’t show any interest so I don’t really know how to deal with that and becomes frustrating that’s why I needed your advice before I make any decision. Being excluded in his future plans doesn’t bother me because it is too soon I only wanted to know that I do exist in his life I am not asking to marry the guy is too hasty as you say, I just want to know if he is having a full months plan do I exist somewhere, I am not asking for a year or 10 year plan. Thanx
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (25 October 2006):
 All I am going to say is that you have only been his girlfriend for 2 months and he had a mother for his whole life so far. You have only just got together so it seems him moving, you wanting more etc is all a bit hasty. As you say, everyone deals with bereavement differently so all you can do is give him time.
To be honest if you're considering leaving him, you sound really messed up. The guy's just lost his mother and you may leave because you're not the centre of his world? Maybe you shouldn't be in ANY relationship until you have coped with the rejection from the previous ones. That's your issue, not his. I think you are being totally unfair. Why should his future plans include you, you've only just met. If you continue pushing him and putting pressure on him, maybe you'll drive him away. You ask how you help him to cope, well, do the opposite of everything so far by the sounds of things. He doesn't deserve this when trying to cope with his grief, so be supportive instead of selfish.
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A
male
reader, jack23 +, writes (25 October 2006):
 I think you are doing the right thing, by trying to be there for him, in this respect you need to be patient. People all have different ways of dealing with the loss of a loved one.
I would not expect him to be giving alot of attension and it may be a while before he does. I would suggest talking to him about your situation, and just explaining that you feel very distant, and just want to know if the relationship is falling apart or if its just a phase.
The most important thing is to give him space, this doesnt mean just stop contacting him, just to leave him alone for a little bit, then perhaps waiting for him to come to you (altho I wouldnt leave it more than three days before checking on him).
At the end of the day you know hes having a hard time, but you also need reassurance, and if you dont get it looks like the relationship will end anyway. So give it a go and see what he has to say.
I hope this helps :)
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