A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:3 months ago i found out my boyfriend of 7 years whom i lived with was looking at porn, searching for very specificthings (bending over ect) and chatting to girls in chat rooms, and was a member of a sex chat site.Most of the responses on here was that i was over reacting by thinking about leaving him (which i did)Anyway ~ the last 2 months i have been meeting up withhim, to try and work things out, imtrying to be strong. But its not working. Im not surewhat im suppost to do to get over it? or what he should do?I have a lovely figure (often get asked if im a model), attracktive, long hair, kind, loving ect yet my confidence is now none existent. I comfort eat, ive put on half a stone now, i dont sleep well,and work is difficult as i feel sad all he time. Plus ive had an outbreak of spots. Its really taking its toll, yet hes tried so hard too, and regrets what he did.Please give me some adviceon howto get over this and this weird fear i now have with women/porn/magazines ectPLEASE HELP:-(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Hi Girl
I know exactly how you feel. Woman has sexual needs too and thinks about sex differently than most men. Woman has more emotional feelings about sex and men mostly think about the physical satisfaction. You do get the odd men who is different.And you also get the odd woman that's having more sex than brains.
Many girls will tell you: "get over it" "watch with him" and bla bla bla... Well, lets look at it from your angle...
Some signs: He is tired when he gets home
: His kisses are no longer intence
: He battle to look you in the eye
: He is touchy about remarks you make
: sex mainy on weekends only
: and when having sex he thinks you are ready immediately???
Do I have your attention?
Now out of experience of the same emotional feelings - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!
YOU HAVE NOT FAIL IN ANY WAY!!!
And THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
That is questions that's spinning in your mind, I'm I right?
Ok. You love him dearly, but you feel Hurt and betrayed? I mean a relationship of 7 years and no commitment??? ALARMING!!!! Surely you are with him because you see a future with him? Why are there no commitment yet?
There are four choices.
1. Sharpen yourself up on sex positions. Buy some sex toys and some decent massaging oil and lubrication. Do the pre taste and feeling about different positions and exploring with sex toys with your boyfriend, because the cyber virtual reality has cought him already and he is chatting to the girls on the sex or dating site about it anyway. He sees you as innocent and decent that is why he does not share that thoughts and desires with you. He obviously told one of the girls there that his "girlfriend" is not into such things...
2. Let him be what he wants to be and let him view what he want and when he wants. Because confronting him was good and he felt guilty. He is not gonna stop. Confronting him again - will end up in an argument where he will tell you that you "snoop" on him and turn the WRONG unto you. Then you will just need to learn how to live with it and except the fact that he will visualise the naked sexy woman he viewed in the week on the net is now "sitting naked" on top of him, when you having sex.
3. You can get him back and do to him what ever he has done to you. Start talking about it openly with him. Make him understand that you are no longer the "innocent" 20 something girl. Men dont like woman to view naked sexy men with "hard" "long" "stiff" "perky" penises and 6 pack abs. They feel ashamed that they dont look like that too. They get jealous too. But this is a short term solution, and it is not gonna solve the main challenge.
4. This is the hardest coice. Let go of your relationship of 7 years. Get yourself back in shape!!! Phone up all your old friends and go out for coffee or what ever. Start dressing like you deserve to look. Tell yourself that you are respected and that look good. Read "The Secret" book. Dont feel that you gave him your viginity and he owes you or you left something behind. And most important - DONT LOOK BACK!!!
Ok. I did all four coices and tried everything I could to safe my relationship of 8 years with no commitment(which was my hearts desire to marry him). I just got more hurt in the process. The good feelings DIED! I told myself I am done with men and will never go into a relationship again.
Untill the most amazing guy which was open and honest with me from day 1. He did not know much about my past issues in my ex relationship. He told me what he likes and disslikes (sex and desires)and what he still likes to explore and do. And we will watch an Adult DVD together (which I would never have done before with a man), but he made me feel so comfortable with sexuality. If he views porn behind my back now, I would not care or be angry... because I know he is open and honest with me.
If your boyfriend can become open and honest with you... don't hesitate to try the the "odd" things. It is normal to explore, its part of life. Tell him that you are keen to also learn and explore.
Good luck with your journey.
Just Remember: You are in charge of your own happiness!!!
(THIS IS BASED ON TRUE EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES) "DRC"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Most guys look at porn. Deal with it. It doesn't mean they don't love you. Men love women. It's a fact. Men love sex, that is also a fact. Therefore porn is something most men enjoy, whether or not they choose to expose themselves to it or not.
Just because a guy likes to look at other females - it doesn't mean they don't love you. It is what makes males, male. It is something males cannot help.
I am sure that you also appreciate males, and at times perve, our hormones aren't as strong as males and therefore we do not need to carry through our thoughts into looking at porn. It is written up in our dna.
Just accept it. What I suggest you do is actually have a look at some porn yourself. I am not saying make it a habit, but just have a look so that you can try to understand why he does it.
At the end of the day he is coming home to you right? Isn't that what should matter most?
I know this may all sound very upfront and many people may disagree - but I have been with the same guy for seven years and also had the same predicament as you. I was totally shocked and disappointed and hurt. It has taken alot of thought to get to where I am today.
I personally just think it's life. Men like females. Some males differ from others. If your boyfriend enjoys to look at porn it's okay. Just as long as you are both honest about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): hi,i just recently found out that my live-in beau still looks at porn -- something that has been a point of contention for me ever since I discovered his usage a couple of years ago. At first, I was really upset, because I didnt understand why he'd look at that stuff if he could have sex with me. I felt hurt, jealous, etc. I mean, i'm perfectly alright, why would he wanna go out and about, even with some cyber-masturbation material?Other than that, he's a fantastic dude who is funny, loves my cooking, and gives me kisses and lovin' everyday!Anyways, he's really embarassed and doesn't like to talk about it. he says it has nothing to do with me and that he just uses it to get off and that he doesn't do it when i'm around.This has torn me up for months. . .until I realized that I have a CHOICE to be threatened by these non-real things. That I can choose to be a victim and feel jealous, or I can look myself straight in the mirror and realize that I have my own issues of self-confidence that are holding me back from accepting who he is. Besides, I'd rather he not quit -- I don't want that hanging over my head (i mean, i'd rather we not be together than for him to change part of who he is in that way). I know I am controlling, but I can't accept that I would be the cuase of him curbing himself and his sexual identity. I'd rather I come to terms with MYSELF.And I don't think that is screwed up!Would love to hear yr opinions.p.s. -- i dont think porn is gross, I watch it with prior boyfriends. i just don't like the secrecy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): To LIERIN and her dumb, in sensitive comment!!!!
This young woman is asking for advice and guidence!!! not to be told to go watch porn!!
Sound to melike she has standards, unlike you!
Sweety, you dont need to watch porn, your a classy, sexy woman who needs love, security and some DECENT advice.
You said hes been trying hard, (tagged problem in porn section) and that he no longer chats and looks at porn as he said itwas nothing special, not what its made out out to be, you wanna know why???? your amazing!!!!
7 years is a long time, he loves you dearly, youlost your viginty together (as stated in porn section - tagged question)
Try and work it out, you have both seen porn, you both dont find it anything special, you have something in common, hope it all works out!!!! It willif you spend some quality time, talk, and be close again
Love always
KAILOU x
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A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (27 October 2007):
I think you should see him LESS than you are now, for sure. It sounds like you're not quite ready to really break up. But the stress is having an ill effect on you! Superdopah has good advice about the vitamins and exercise. Especially, if your fall weather is beautiful, get out there!
Personally, I rue the day computers were invented to put porn on line for men, and I agree with your ":-( " totally! Most of those photos are airbrushed or doctored up so they don't even look like the real person! You sound like an attractive bombshell and shouldn't ever have to compare yourself to these stupid photos which are the equivalent of Playboy mags hidden in a guy's closet for a rainy day, not really THAT threatening but potentially hurtful...
And his chatting on line: That is very serious and if he cares about you he should stop chatting with girls on sex chat websites! It's a creepy thing to be doing behind your back. I hope that he has stopped that in his effort to work things out.
How can girls compete with these photos? WELL you are a flesh and blood loving woman! A million times better!!! Get hold of yourself!! I think you should see less of this guy and focus on other areas of your life to get your happiness back! I hope you guys can work this out.
Lots of love from
Manya
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A
male
reader, xLamentedxAmourx +, writes (27 October 2007):
 Sounds to me, as if you have more of a problem with the sites than him looking at them.
First and foremost, you have every right to get pissed at him for looking at porn sites. Why do that when he has you right there, eh?
To get over it, forgive him. If he is truly sorry, he will stop looking at the sites. I would not be afraid of women, he has not cheated on you, right? It is rather depressing, but give him a chance. Seven years is a long time to be committed, and should not be thrown away just because he did look at porn. If he is going to stop, then give him another chance. If not, then he does not respect you as he should.
As for this breakout ... I have not heard of someone randomly breaking out it spots. Are they more, pimple like (as an example), or like liver spots? Whichever it is, I would get that checked out, unless it is already starting to fade away. Even then, it would not hurt to be sure.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (27 October 2007):
 HE IS A GUY!What do you expect. Get over it. Its not like he is cheating on you. He is just looking on pictures in TV or in the magazine. Don't worry about it. He doesnt go and visit prostitutes or such, so what are you scared of? Why don't u watch a moovie like that w him and than you will see its not as bad as you think it is.It doesnt mean that he doesnt love you or that he thinks you are not attractive. Guys like to look at people haveing sex! Its not about the woman in the moovie .. its the actuall act that they are haveing in there!!! Don't worry ... get over it ... and it will be fine!
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A
female
reader, superdopah +, writes (27 October 2007):
i think you should stop contact with your ex as it seems to be doing more harm then good for you and you dont owe him anything he betrayed you! half a stone really isnt that much, you will be able to shift it easily. as for your spots have you thought of taking some vitamin tablets or rescue remedy for when your really stressed. exercise is also really good you will lose weight tone up have more confidence and energy, and you will generally feel good about yourself!
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