A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at a loss as to what I can do so all advice appreciated. I've been living with my boyfriend on and off nine months, we was together for two years before we moved in.I work full time, self employed and I have no breaks in my day. I get home and I cook from fresh, I do all the cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. My boyfriend sometimes cooks but as and when it suits him, which has been once in three weeks.Since day dot he simply finishes work and at least once but normally twice in the week he goes to the pub, most of the time he doesn't say he is I end up texting him and his reply is always along the lines of 'ive had a bad day'. He comes back after drinking well over six hours, snores all night, noisy, door unlocked quite often, it's me that ends up sleeping in the spare room to get some sleep.I've tried several ways to address this, talking of course, shouting, being silent, locking the door so he has to sleep at his parents, he will try for a week or two to not do it but then goes back to this behaviour.Question is it me that is being unreasonable here? He is an adult and he is entitled to have his time to himself I get that, it's the lack of communication and respect that gets to me and I struggle to function to work the next day when he does it, I don't know what else I can do here
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 March 2020):
 If you know deep down it's not working and won't work, then maybe it's time to TELL him? End it? Don't drag it out, for YOUR own sake, because you will turn into a person YOU won't like.
Contact Citizen's advice on how to evict legally an ex-partner. Do that BEFORE you end it with him, so you know HOW you have to go about having him move out. He might not NEED to be evicted, he might just move in with his parents until he can sort out new living quarters, but you don't know that for sure, so BETTER safe/legal than sorry.
I get that you find it OK for a partner to go hand with friends without you, that should be OK - but I also get that you are NOT OK with him CHOOSING to go drinking straight off work with out a thought of you and then showing up shitfaced late late at night. Maybe if he was in his 20's I'd say OK he hasn't got "that" out of his system but frankly? In his 30-40+ I'd think if someone had a rough day at work they'd want to see the person they love, make talk it though or just BE with them. Again, each to their own.
Good luck OP.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 March 2020):
 It's not a question of whether you are being "unreasonable". What is "unreasonable" to one person is "perfect reasonable" to another. The question you should be asking is, "Do I want to carry on living like this?" Obviously the answer to this question is a big fat NO, otherwise you would not have written your post.
You have talked to your boyfriend. I am guessing you have spelled out what upsets/annoys you and what you would like to change. Nothing has changed. He carries on living the part time bachelor life as and when he chooses. It is pointless going over the same ground time and time again when you already know what the end result will be. You wouldn't read a book a second time and expect a different ending, so why do you think he will change when he has already proved he won't?
Going forward, can you envisage a future with this guy? If you've been living together "on and off", then I assume you keep taking breaks from each other. You should not need to take breaks from a happy relationship. The relationship is obviously NOT happy - for YOU at least - so why do you go back?
In your shoes I would tell him to pack his stuff and take a hike.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): Typo correction:
"You can wait until your lease runs out, if you've signed a lease together."
P.S.
If you moved into his place, I guess you're the one who has to move!
You're more or less asking our advice on what to do to change him. If he's in his 40's, you are not changing him or his ways. You made a huge mistake by moving-in with him. I would also say you've made a very bad-choice man-wise!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): It was not my first port of call, the first was obviously communication and telling him how I feel. I didn't once say I have a problem with him going out persay but when there is an agreement to have a nice cooked tea together and a night spent together for him to simply go out straight after work and to return after last orders in my books is taking the proverbial.
I have talked to him about it until on.blue in the face. I get it, he won't change so I have told him I'll not longer cook or do his laundry and futon is now down as a bed for him to sleep on. It's my house and easier says than done to just get rid of him. He can actually be really nice and we get on amazing at times. But i know deep down it isn't working and I have beyond tried.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): He's a boyfriend! He is not your husband. This one is going to be short and to the point. Everybody else has covered enough.
Moving-in, was a bad-idea. You can wait until your lease runs out, if you've signed a least together. Start looking for another apartment. If you moved him into your place...MOVE HIM OUT!
If you put-up with crap, you don't complain. "But I love him!" If you've just got to have a man, and he's what you've described. You made a mistake moving-in together; and you've made a terrible choice in manhood.
As I see it, the ball is in your court. If you're not giving that hot-mess up, why are you here?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2020):
You treat him like a child.
Lock him out when he isn't conforming is childish.
Why not SET some ground rules? If you WANT to date this guy.
1. if he goes to the pub after work, text you and let you know.
2. when he gets home from said pub HE can go in the spare room and sleep/snore because YOU need your sleep to work the next day. OR on the nights he goes to the pub, go sleep it off at his parents (though I'm sure they will get fed up with that at some point too). So not a long term solution either.
I think it's unrealistic to think YOU can change his pattern of going to the pub to "drown his sorrow", if that is how HE deals with "having a bad day".
What you might WANT to consider is, IS he the right partner for me? Long term. IF you also consider that nothing will change.
He might have be a decent man and GF, but he might not be a great match when it comes to living and building a life together.
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