A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I’m writing this in regards to my current relationship, the question is (Should I let him go?) My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months now. In the very beginning he did cheat on me, we had a fall out and he begged for me to take him back, so I did- I forgave him. Currently the problem is, I still have a hard time believing anything he says. He still has female friends that he texts. He has one girl best friend that he has been intimate with in the past and they are still very close. He assures me that it isn’t anything more than that, that they only like each other as friends. We just had a conversation and he told me he doesn’t know why I worry about the imaginary “thots” he has when I’m the one who’s winning. I didn’t feel comfortable with that, so he went on to tell me by that he meant there’s no one else- I’m the only one. He says he doesn’t have time to even worry about entertaining other females because he’s struggling right now and trying to get himself together. He gets mad whenever we have a serious conversation, he says all I do is annoy/nag him about the same thing. My thing is- is it wrong for me to not feel comfortable with certain things he does, like texting other females or liking their pictures. He told me that I’m the only one he wants to be with, and that he loves only me but he’s tired of us arguing all the time. I feel bad after the arguments because I feel like I do nitpick at times but I can’t help that I’m not okay with certain things. We love each other want to be together but I’m scared that it can’t work. Please help guys!!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 March 2020):
 I also considered replying to Male Reader, Anonymous (MRA). I'm just not sure how well the advice fits the situation. There is some truth to what he said. There is also some falsehoods.
Truth: If you were to cheat on existing boyfriend you would probably be successful. This is true whether you are female or male. It's the plenty of fish principle. There is someone out there who would be interested in you. On the other hand all of that potential will still be there if you Dump the traveling cheater first and then pursue a better relationship.
Truth: You will probably get away with it. For a while. Most do, and you have the advantage of distance and scheduled visits. The flip side of this is that he has the same advantages and has used them.
False: You will probably not feel better. You would be acting against your core beliefs, and that is going to make you unhappy. You will get a thrill. You will get revenge (which is not a happy emotion). But in the end you will feel like you let yourself down. Dumping him before pursuing a new relationship cancels out this guilt and returns you to your principles.
False: It will probably not work out long term for you. Although MRA and Linda made it work, the truth is that relationships are made up of Trust, and you can't start one out with a big dung heap of lies and cheating. It's a weak foundation. It is much easier, and more likely successful, to build a relationship on truth and respect.
So while I am not picking up rocks to stone MRA, I can't endorse the advice, it's more likely hurtful than helpful.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 March 2020):
 Bad advice from male anon.
It’s not an eye for an eye when it comes to cheating. If someone disrespects you in that way then the logical response is to leave them, not cheat on them to get them back, it’s extremely immature and really not the foundations for a good and honest relationship.
Why would you stay with someone who cheats on you? That’s cuck behaviour.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2020): I'm sure I'll get stoned by others for this advice.
But here it goes. When dating Linda I found out she cheated on me. I felt a little bummed out but I had FWB in my complex I didn't want to give up. I just stopped feeling guilty. Thought let Linda sow her wild oats now. We're married 40 years.
Cheat on your boyfriend -- you'll feel better. And it's so easy for girls. Play safe, ware a helmet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2020):
 Ghosting is rarely a good option, OP
It shows a bit of immaturity. It's sticking your head in the sand. All while making a BIG decision.
If I were you? I'd at LEAST text him (he doesn't deserve a face to face break up) But to let him know:" this isn't working for me or you. We have different values, morals and boundaries. I wish you good luck and that you DO BOT contact me any further." In your own words, mind you.
That way you GET to set the final piece in the puzzle yourself. Not really about closure, but ENDING things with a sense of grace, maturity and respect for yourself.
Ghosting him make it seems like you are hiding your own action and presume he can now read your mind.
But again, THAT is what I would do in your shoes. You do you. Just think about it.
Good luck, and thanks for the update.
Next time you date, don't date someone who does things you don't want in a partner. Set some personal standards and stick to them. Also, don't take back a cheater, ever. Because trust lost is NOT easily (if ever) rebuild.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 March 2020):
I take back my last statement, you are afraid of letting go. or really you are conflict avoidant. I encourage you to work on that as well so next time you won't have to ghost someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): Hi,
Me again. Once again I appreciate all the responses. Just would like to update you guys. I ended it. He doesn’t know I did, but I don’t care. I just decided to block off any types of communication. I feel like that’s what’s best, I don’t need any type of “closure” from him. I’ll be my own closure. You guys are 100% correct, I need to love MYSELF first- always. Thanks.
Sincerely,
An Optimist
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 March 2020):
Thanks for the follow up. You are not afraid to let go (dump him). you are afraid of being alone. See Code warriors post.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 March 2020):
He’s very heartbroken. So he Cheated on you? Where’s the logic in that? He’s been hurt in the past so he cheated on his GF. Please give your head a wobble and realise how stupid this sounds.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 March 2020):
Trying for so long? You’ve been together for 8 months. That’s nothing. In that time he’s cheated on you and brought your level of trust down to a point where you don’t believe what he says. What exactly have you been working on?
You try to see the good but he keeps disappointing you? Are you living on the same planet as us? What are you getting out of this? He’s making a fool out of you and you’re buying it because he’s ‘sweet’.
The second you start doubting your relationship is the day that it’s as good as over. You would NEVER doubt someone that you’re in love with and trust. They wouldn’t put you in a situation where you have to doubt them.
This guy is a waste of time and you can see it or else you wouldn’t be here asking this question but for some reason you think this is the best that you can do. Someone who cheats on you and won’t entertain serious conversation. He sounds a catch!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 March 2020):
 Sadly I feel it is pointless anyone offering you advice as, judging by your second post, you have already made up your mind that you are going to stay with this guy because he is "sweet". Let's get this right: he is NOT "sweet". He occasionally does things you see as "sweet". You need to learn the difference. What is "sweet" about "He gets mad whenever we have a serious conversation, he says all I do is annoy/nag him about the same thing"? What is "sweet" about him cheating on you?
Do you honestly believe he lives an hour away from you and never cheats on you while you are apart? Someone saying they don't have time to cheat because they are too busy with other things would ring alarm bells for ME.
And saying you are in love after 8 months of seeing a guy who lives an hour away (how much time have you actually spent with him?), well really? Yes, he occasionally does sweet things for you but he also does things which are not so sweet. How do you envisage a future with this guy?
Sounds like he has got you exactly where he wants you: insecure and begging for his attention, in competition with the numerous other females in his life. Don't you think you deserve better?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): Hi guys,
I’ve read all of the replies and I completely agree. I guess since we’ve been together this long, I’m kinda scared to let go. I keep trying to see the good in him, but I just end up disappointed every time. I realize I have to let him go, It’ll hurt but it has to be done. Thank you all for taking the time to hear me out! Sorry, I don’t have an account to reply to you all one-on-one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): Are you comfortable with a guy who refers to females with the derogatory slang-term "thot!" (That ho over there!)
Are you comfortable with a guy who cheated on you from day-one? Are you okay that he keeps in-touch with his old f-buddies, and has a side-collection of female-friends (aka a harem) that he is busy chit-chatting with on your time??? Do you "trust" him?
He's struggling? Then not only is he all of the above, but he's a loser on top of it.
Girlfriend, do you not know what a "player" is?
Let me define one for you. First-off, "thot" is a word in their playbook glossary! It's the term his "friends" (with vaginas) use when making reference to you! Why do you think they are always calling when he happens to be with you? It's to shake you up! Unsettle you, and let you know you don't have a firm-grip on your situation. They are hoping and waiting for a fallout between you! They are trying to cause one every-time his phone pings! Let me guess, he likes to answer his phone in the bathroom? You like spying through his phone and get shocked at what they say to each other! Let me know how off the mark I am about any of this. You don't have to, unless you want to. I'm here for you!
He has a lot of females on the side that he calls "friends!" They constantly text and call him, and he always responds. If he says he doesn't have sex with them...he does! Otherwise, wouldn't they have a man? If he is struggling, that means he has no money. You probably don't go out on dates much; so you must be paying for everything when you do. If he does have a job, it's a pie-back job that doesn't pay much. Otherwise, he hustles under-the-table; and you're not sure where his money comes from!
Does he pass the smell-test with your parents? Particularly with your father??? My guess is, he doesn't!
I hope his struggle includes hustling to pay his college-tuition, helping his parents, and/or earning to support himself.
I read how he talks to you through out your post. It reminds me of a few other derogatory urban-terms guys like him use regarding females. They call them "skank" and "chickenhead" or "whooty;" and a host of other despicable urban-terms you don't want to know!
When talking to his buddies, he will refer to all of you (females) as a group. Not individually. You're just one of the many females he "plays!" Like the rest, you forgive him; because you know he'll just go pick another dummy from one of his harem. He keeps them on-call to keep you inline. You are always competing for attention, scaling for 1st-position, and feeling in your gut he's lying to you. That's because he is!
He tells you it's insecurity. That's player-speak for you might be "woke" and catching-on to his game. You're the "winner?" That implies he's some kind of prize??? I mean, seriously?!! Can you read your post without screaming?
Girlfriend, where is your mother? Why hasn't she educated you on these things?
Be smart. Dump that loser! Let him go back to his other girls...excuse me..."friends!" They aren't going anywhere, and they ARE having sex with him. Everyone is scrambling to find first-place. Like he's the number-one stud about town! If you can't trust a guy, you're wasting your time and your feelings on him. Don't let him piss down your leg and tell you it's raining!
You are dating beneath yourself. If you didn't think so, you wouldn't have written such a long frustrated-letter to DC!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 March 2020):
Sorry your follow up was posted after our replies. I'm not sure how to integrate it into my advice. Most abusive partners are sweet some of the time. Look up signs of an unhealthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 March 2020):
I'm going to give you a completely different answer with the same conclusion.
1 you didn't forgive him. You rug swept it. The problem is still there just barely under the surface. You allowed him to get away with it, and now you have self shame for that bad decision.
2 You do not trust him. Trust is the "stuff" that relationships are made of. When you have no trust you have no relationship.
3 he is not the relationship partner that you want or need. He does not have the qualities you are looking for in a relationship. you should have never accepted him in the first place. The only thing he has going for him is exactly the thing that worries you the most. He is an edgy bad boy.
Notes:
My reply focused on you instead of him. I don't need to call him a bunch of names to demonstrate why this relationship isn't working. Without understanding the poor decisions you have made in this relationship, you are likely to repeat them.
I actually agree 100% with everything honey posted. Your guy is no prince. But, his failings are only a part of why you should break up with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2020):
The thing with forgiveness, OP, is that it's not easy and it's not always deserved.
You KNOW his has "issues" with boundaries with other girls. He cheated. He still keeps a girl around he also slept with at some point in time. And he thinks you should just shut up and accept it all because he TOLD you that you are his #1.
Should you break up?
I think you should. Because you don't trust him. He hasn't given you ANY reason TO trust him.
As for liking other women's pictures on social media or not... THAT is ridiculous to fight over. Because he did it before dating you, HE is totally OK with it and he doesn't SEE how it can be wrong, so arguing over it... is A waste of time.
Texting other girls? Same as above. HE does whatever he WANTS to do and YOU should just SUCK it up. He thinks because you have the "title" of "his GF" that THAT in itself means you can't criticize how he acts around other women.
I think, in general, liking other girl's pictures is fairly benign UP TO A POINT. The thing is he is SEEKING these girls out to let them KNOW that HE likes their pictures... why? To make sure they notice HIM. Giving several girls attention by "liking" their picture FEEDS his own ego.
OP, he is a VERY self-centered and immature little twat. Who likes to GAS LIGHT you (in term of a better word). He does things that MOST ADULT women (and men) would not WANT/Want to do in a relationship because it's not DECENT behavior towards your partner. He claim that it's YOU causing ALL the arguments, except... HE is creating the issue, YOU are reacting to his behavior. But he is making it out like your relationship could be perfect IF ONLY you would just ACCEPT EVERYTHING he does... because "you are winning" him.
Sorry, OP He really isn't that big of a prize. Calling other girls "thots" (that ho over there) and making you out to be the "bad guy" when HE is the one who can't behave himself like a decent person, no he HAS to think he is a "player" beating off all the "thots" who come knocking...
Let him go, HE DOES need to get his shit together, but more so... HE needs to GROW up.
My guess is he wouldn't like it one bit of you hung out with exes you had been intimate with or you were all over social media "liking" other guys post and texting other dudes. Because it's SHITTY behavior for someone who claims the care about you and are in a relationship with.
It doesn't mean people can't HAVE friends of the opposite sex, but when he seems to go out of his way to LINE up YOUR "replacement" or the next girl that he "ooops" cheats with, it's disrespectful and plain SHITTY behavior. It's him SHOWING you HOW easy he can replace you.
And that isn't love, OP. Let him go. It truly can't work long term because HE doesn't think his behavior is wrong and he won't change. And you can't PRETEND (nor should you) that you are OH SO OK with him chasing other girls online.
It IS OK for you to have boundaries and to express them to a partner. He might not agree with them all, he might have some of his own, but to absolutely DISMISS yours as "imaginary" is him gas-lighting you so he can KEEP doing whatever HE wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2020): Also I would like to add that he’s a very sweet guy. He deals with my constant mood swings. He’s always there for me when I need to cry and he helps talk me out of my lows. He’s been very heartbroken in the past so he is a little reserved. He constantly tells me how much he cares about me and that he doesn’t want to mess this up. He even sleeps in his car every time he comes to visit me (bc he lives an hr away.) He once came when he was sick with a 100.1 fever, and ended up sleeping in his car again all because I wanted to see him. With that being said, I want to change my question to, “Am I just being insecure or should I let him go?”
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