A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need help with my situation and what to do. Last summer I broke up with my ex gf of 2 years. I wasn’t happy in my relationship for a long time and I realised she was very toxic. At first I felt nothing but relief so thought I was over it. My ex gf got into another relationship straight away and I thought I didn’t care. I felt I was so over it that I started dating a girl 3 months after my relationship ended. I liked this girl for over a year. She was beautiful, smart and we had an connection and got on very well. At first it was good and I liked her and could see myself being with her. But then of course grief of my last relationship caught up with me. I missed my ex terribly. Because of this, the new girl started to irritate me. I started finding faults in her. I was so confused. Part of me knew I should move on but another part of me was scared. I ended up stringing this poor girl along for a month as I was so confused and didn’t know what I was feeling. She was there for me when I told her about my feelings and tried to help me through it. Help me through my feelings for my ex and the grief. She was so good to me. To be honest with you the connection we had just wasn’t there when we were dating. There was zero connection. I eventually broke up with her....And I was relieved. She did go a bit crazy after though and turned insecure and I thought she was weak. She tried to get me back but I wouldn’t have any of it. I honestly thought she wasn’t what I wanted - I didn’t want to be with her.Then one day she told me face to face. That she was sorry. Sorry for being crazy (she was going through some very serious personal issues at the time). She said that isn’t like her to act like that. It was the most genuine apology I’ve ever received. And I believe her. I believe she was just going through a hard time which made her at crazy. She made no excuses for it in the apology. Since then I haven’t heard or spoke to her....it’s been 2 months.Since then I have spent a lot of time working on myself and analysing things and seeing a therapist. And I realise -I miss the girl I was dating. I miss everything about her. She was the most lovely, generous, caring person I ever met. And I took her for granted. She was so mich better than my ex on every way. And I screwed it up. I’ve realised there was no connection because at the time I was emotionally unavailable. I pushed her away as I was scared. And she tried so hard to make things work. I miss her more than I missed my ex gf of 2 years. INow know that I’ve made a mistake. I should of openedMyself up, I should of given it more time rather than just a month. I know she isn’t seein anyone and I haven’t spoken to her in a few months. Do I tell her how I feel or leave her alone? Sorry it’s long
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2020): Hi OP hereWiseowl, your right. Completely right. I was selfish, reckless and indecisive. And none of it was fair on her. None of it. It was the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to do. A lot harder then breakup up with my ex of 2 years. Because unlike my ex, she is kind, caring and the most empathetic woman I’ve ever known. That’s why I liked her for a year. Even when I was with my ex. Although I never overstepped any boundaries then. Believe it or not I’m actually very loyal when in a relationship. I had a lot of feelings for her before we dated. She was the exact woman I always wanted. The breakup with my ex was my first ever relationship. I didn’t really know what I was doing (not an excuse I know). I thought I was over it.Although truth be told, when I started to miss my first ex. I’ve realised now that it wasn’t her I missed. It was a relationship. I didn’t really think about her. It was more having someone there everyday etc. But with this girl it’s different. I actually miss her. I think about her all the time.When there was no spark when we were dating. I thought she just wasn’t the one for me. But I realise now it was me that didn’t let that connection build. I was keeping her at arms length but not realising it. We had amazing chemistry before we dated but the pressure of a future relationship scared me deep down. I was afraid that things will turn bad like it did with my first ex. I compeletely screwed things up. I admit it is all my fault. I was horrible to her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me - despite the fact she was there for me and I abandoned her when she was going through a difficult time. I was so upset when I initially broke up with her. But she kept trying to work things out and trying to get me back. This made me dislike her even more and turned me off. But I should of known what she was going through. And that she needed me. When she apologised she said the only reason she did cling to me was because she thought I was the one good thing in her life at that moment and she needed that. I’m awful. But I love her so much. I was an idiot and a horrible person. I know this now.I will email her and apologise. I will do it for her and not for me. Because she deserves it and she deserves a lotMore than what I gave her. I have spent the last couple of months working on myself. Realising my flaws and growing as a person. For her aswell as me because I want to be the man she deserves.I will let you know if she respondsThanks again
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): Offer an apology as sincere as the one you've received. Do not do it with intent to negotiate or manipulate her feelings. If you are really sorry for hurting her, that is what is most important to get across. It was your selfish rebound-feelings that hurt her in the first place. That series of events demanded that you should have been the one who apologized first! She was only there for you; even while you were moping over your ex!
Without the self-indulgent intention of just easing your guilty-conscience, offer her a heartfelt-apology. Were I advising her instead of you; I would warn her to be cautious of your immaturity, recklessness, and indecisiveness. You don't think before you act, and you don't consider the other person's feelings. Seeing a therapist doesn't absolve you of the harm you've inflicted, it's after the fact. Hindsight is 20/20! Wanting her back after dumping her is somewhat self-centered. Kind of shady! She put-up with your whining over some ex, only to be discarded after your rebound-feelings took a turn. Yet again, you've taken still another change of heart! Now for her, rather than your ex! This is like the cliche lyrics of a sappy love song! Don't get your hopes up, this could be a one-hit wonder! What a soap opera!
Seriously, dude?!!
Please don't get me wrong. I fully understand, because breakups make us erratic and we behave out of character. However, you were also impulsive and was mostly thinking of yourself. Me, my ex, my pain, woe is me...me, me, me! She stood-by and comforted you!
If she got a tad crazy for being dumped, it was the last straw!!! Things were going nuts all at once!
Whatever happens happens hereafter. You've caused her emotional-injury. Once-bitten, twice-shy!
She will not fully-trust you. She will be hesitant to allow herself to be as vulnerable in your hands as she was before. Bear this in-mind. Remember there were other issues occurring in her life at that intense moment-in-time. Breaking her heart only weakened her to other negative-influences and challenges she was facing during the time of your breakup with her. Her emotions got the better of her. It doesn't excuse any deliberate bad-behavior on her part; so her apology to you was also in order.
You're very young. This is a lesson to be learned. Be careful with the feelings and hearts of others! Do not jump from one relationship into the next; before you have dealt with your post-breakup feelings. Rebound-reflexes cause damage and hurt people! "I'm sorry" isn't always enough. You don't use other people for a pain-reliever, and toss them aside once they have eased your pain! Nor do you go back to pick-up where you left-off, after making a hot-mess of things!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2020):
 Sometimes you can't unring a bell, OP
(which means, you you have to live with the consequences as it can't be undone.)
If you contact her now and try to get back together or even GET back together, things are going to be very different, She is going to be guarded because who knows if you start being a dick again and dump her. Or if you are still comparing her to the ex, missing your ex... etc.
What you CAN do is contact he and tell her what you told us, as far as what went on with you. You jumped into dating too soon. Maybe because your ex had done that too. ALWAYS give yourself time to sort through a break up, never blame the next girl for what an ex did and for goodness sake, DO NOT expect a GF to be your therapist and listen to you yammer on about an ex.
Maybe see if she is willing to meet for a coffee and talk. But don't bring up dating her, just have a short conversation and apologize RIGHT back for YOUR behavior towards her. See where it takes you.
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