A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, im 23 years old and i have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, he is 42 years old. my situation is that my boyfriend has been married twice and has 2 kids who are 16 and 18 years old. of course my parents do not approve for starters. my second problem is that my boyfriends kids are mean to me. his kids live in a different state and they come to see him for maybe about 4 months of the year. so you can imagine how my boyfriend spoils them in every possible why, in which i do admit i get jealous. my main problem, however, is whenever they come to see their dad and we all hang out together, i am ignored and treated with much disrespect when they say rude things about me right in front of me, my boyfriend does not care, he just laughs with them. i have tried very much to just let them know that i am there friend; i have offered to take them places when their dad is at work so that we can get to know each other, but they just dont like me. i bought them christmas presents and when they go home, they leave the gifts i gave them. it is starting to get really hard for me to with him, because he does not stick up for me. i love my boyfriend, but i think im too young and maybe immature for all this kind of relationship. i just want some feedback of what i should do and how i should go about this. Thanks
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female
reader, aliyahnangelo +, writes (24 March 2010):
 ok. Obviously this man doesn't respect you as his significant other if his children are rude to you and he finds it humorous. Although it maybe hard for them to accept you because you are so close to their age. i myself am pretty openminded about things like that but others are not. This man doesn't respect you as a women that he would want to keep in his life. If he did, then he would stand up for you. You are young, and don't need the drama from a broken family. Don't make life more complicated than it has to be. Find someone who is closer to your age, who you have more things in common with and you could have fun with and not have to worry about these things with. This man is old enough to be your father. Sorry to say but I don't believe that your relationship with this man will be a long term one, which probably sucks for you if you really care about the guy, but why waste your time if he won't put in the effort that you are outting in? FIND SOMEONE ELSE! Trust me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin comment to old man, my bf has been divorced from the kids mother for over 10 years, so i dont think i would be called a homewrecker. but anyway i tried talking to bf about how i feel and how his family treats me, he doesnt really care. maybe i dont need to be first compared to kids, but i think i do need respect at least from bf.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (19 March 2009):
 I completely agree with Old_Guy. It's going to be hard for you to have any kind of good standing with them. You could be 2 years younger than their dad and they could still treat you like that because they feel that you are trying to be their mother, in which they spend most of their time with. It gets tougher when you can be seen as one of their peers.
Of course, every situation is different and some kids may like their dad's new girlfriend, but your boyfriend's children don't and you are going to be climbing a high mountain on crutches to reach a level where they will respect you.
Personally, there really isn't anything I can say to change your situation with his children because it's a tough job being their mother when they already have one. You need to step back and not try so hard and let them have their time with their father. They see you as stealing their time. Sorry, you probably do not want to hear this, but you need to stay away from them when they are together or hold your visits to a minimum until you are more committed to their father and they warm up to you more.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 There two things going on here. (1) You are a "threat" to the children and (2) Teenage "rebellion". All these are not within your control, because (a) you are not legally their step mother, and (b) their hormones is theirs not yours.
(1) Why are a threat to them? Regardless of your age (yes - no need to think about your age difference please!!!), his kids see you as a threat. They need reassurance that their dad still loves them. Your b/f is doing exactly that: giving them the reassurance they badly needed. And yes, it was wrog of him to "sacrifice" you in the process - perhaps because he sees you as a very understanding person so he is not worried about you. However, you being only a few years older than themselves has also reinforced their "fear of losing dad's love", hence the more annoying they become. Vicious cycle
(2) Teenage being teenage, they have this thing called "hormones" that sometimes make them go haywire. Some keep it under control for most of the time, some go overboard. This, in conjuction with reason (1) above, just makes it worse. Sometimes a good talking to from parents work, sometimes not. But at 18 yo, s/he should be a young adult by now so should be in a better position to behave better. Maybe it is also related to (1), in addition to letting you know that their mother is way better than you. Again, rebellion is just his way of resisting against you being part of the family now.
What should you do? Well, if your boyfriend does not stand up for you, even after you discuss it with him, then may I suggest that the next time they go and hang out,
(a) you go with them but tell them that you need to do your own thing too (meet with your friends, or do some shopping, or work on your laptop, etc) and meet up again when they are ready to go home, or
(b) decline to join them because you had other things to do. you'll still see them when they are home anyways.
(c) give bank bonds (as a savings gift) instead of "stuff" for Xmas presents (I guarantee they won't throw *that* away. It is both useful and educational. Money is money is money for kids),
Four months in a year may seem a long time to you, but believe me, once the kids "grow up" and have problems of their own, you will be the least on their mind LOL
As for your husband, if talking to him does not help, try asking him to put his place in your position. Maybe that will open his eyes to your perspectives.
Your b/f is actually as insecure as his children are in a way, as he may also fear losing their love and affection by dating you. So both father and children mutually re-inforced their reactions toward their insecurities. But as a father, the older and the wiser, and the parent of course, should know better of course. But then, men think differently than we women do, dont they? (sigh)
I think you are mature enough already for your age, otherwise you would not have come for outside opinion like this anyways. You could have chosen the immature way of throwing tantrums and have a big drama with your husband - which his children would love because it proved their point - but you didn't. So yes, you are mature. As for your parents? Well, parents will have their say on whoever their daughter dates [wink]
The only concern I have (which hopefully he did not do since you didn't mention it in your story) is that he put you down in a cruel and mean way in front of his children. If he did that, then you need to make that known that you strongly objected against his disrespect. But if he didn't, then he is just being insecure (and in a way, immature lol). You can step in on this too, in private. His children carry his name and his genes and will therefore always be his children. He should not be afraid of losing them.
Tell him that you love him, but that your patience is not without limits. It is not your place to tell his children how to behave, yet. But you do have the right to tell them to respect you, as the woman your father is committed to at the moment.
Good luck and keep that strength and patience!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I'm sorry, but you seem to have no idea how difficult the situation his kids are in. Or, to be blunt, how ridiculous the situation has to look to them.
Their father is in a relationship, essentially, with one of their peers. How would you feel if your father was sleeping with one of your friends??
You refer to him as your 'boyfriend', so you haven't made a formal commitment. You're not his wife. He's on at least his third relationship, and hasn't formalized it by committing to you. I'm sorry, but you have no standing here, and it's unreasonable for you to expect any different.
Until he commits to marrying you, honestly you shouldn't even try to spend time with him and his kids. Let them spend time alone together, to try and keep some vestige of appropriate parent-kid bonds. At the very best you're a distraction. You are completely kidding yourself that you deserve a relationship with them. Stay out of the picture, and have no contact with his kids.
Just so I don't come across as a complete hardass, I'll tell you where I'm coming from. I was the youngest of four kids; my dad, at 50, left my mom and took up with a woman who was a year older than my oldest sister. If you think for a second that I wanted anything to do with that homewrecker, you're kidding yourself.
I'm just gonna bite back a whole bunch of comments I could make about your situation. Instead, I'll just say that the least of your problems is that his kids hate you. Leave them alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Even though he is 42, your boyfriend sounds immature. It is not okay that he allows his children to disrespect you, and it's even worse that he plays along when they do. I think you deserve more than what he is offering--go out and enjoy your youth. You don't need to be bogged down with a man who can't even stand up to his kids (but I suspect you already know this!).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I think his kids are a bit jealous. Like you said they only see him about 4 months out of the year. It also sounds like you are closer in age to them which could make them feel very weird because it would be like your parents dating someone your own age. Not to mention maybe they don't like you out of loyalty to their mother. Maybe they don't like you being in the picture because their parents aren't together.
If your boyfriend cared about you he would stick up for you. But those are his kids. Maybe you need to talk to him about it and if you've tried that then maybe he's not mature enough to handle the relationship not you.
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