A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and I really love her. But I think I pushed her away. We've been fighting alot. Mainly because of me throwing everything up in her face. I work and pay for all the bills. She works in a day care but isnt getting any hours because of the weather. She says that im constantly throwing stuff up in her face and saying things like " im thr one who's paying for it, you wouldnt have it if it wasnt for me" and stuff like atleast I have a job and work and can pay for everything. Today I got mad at her because I spent what money I had left for food for us. And today her grandpa dropped by and gave her money for gas. I got really mad because I am low on gas as well and she didnt offer to get money for me she said I threw it up in her face because I said" I always find ways to get yoy money for gas and you wont do it for me" she said I didnt tell her I needed gas. But I figured she would ask me. Anyway I read her texts and she was telling her friends how she didnt wanna be with me anymore because she couldn't handle my constant throwing sruff up in her face. Im scared shes really gonna break up with me. if shes telling her friends that stuff does she mean it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): If I was her I would just leave, honestly. I don't go to work at all, I am stay at home mom of 3. My husband provides for everything: housing, food, clothes, medical expenses, gas money and so on. The rest of our lives is mine part: keeping house clean, babies, food, making all desicions, what to eat, what to wear, where to go on vacation, what classes for kids to take and so on. So it means because I don't bring any physical money into a family that my husband would tell me that he supports me and kids every day?.If you cant handle the pressure of sharing your money with your girlfriend than don't, but that's not how people coexist when they love each other.If I was her I would just leave and get another job so she can support herself and not to be dependent on people like you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): You are still young and it's well known that men usually take a lot longer than women to mature emotionally.
You sound very similar to my ex partner - giving on the one hand because it boosted his ego, then effectively taking it all back psychologically and degrading me in the process, because he feared losing control.
He hadn't grown up emotionally and neither have you.
If you're doing this AND reading her private texts then you have insecurity and control issues that you need to deal with. Either deal with them and stop doing this to her, or simply tell her that you can't offer her ANY financial help and the relationship is over. If you keep giving her mixed messages she'll get sick and tired of feeling degraded and confused.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Maybe it's a good idea to not LIVE together? and just date? Keep your finances separate?
I do think it's kind of pretty to bring it up that she isn't paying for anything if she really CAN'T go to work due to weather. How the heck is that her fault?
On the other hand if you generally PAY for everything, then instead of bitching at her (or point it out, call it whatever you like) then sit her down and explain you can't afford to pay ALL the bills that she NEEDS to find a way to either bring some financials to the table or she needs to move out. My guess it in the beginning it didn't bother you so much to pay for it all, but once she took it for granted, it annoyed you?
If so, I don't blame you. But I don't blame her either, since you LET her get away with living OFF you.
Talk to her. Find something that will make you both happy. Even if that is for her to move out.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Sounds to me like OP isn't exactly rolling in money either, is that right OP? I notice you say that you used the last of their money to buy food and feed them both, if all OP's money is being shared then I don't think it is too much to expect a "I've been given X for gas, do you need gas" let's face it OP is the one I'm guessing needing to drive to work? She's out of work, if you live together you have to work together. That if course do go both ways you can't rub things in her face, she might do other things, cook dinner, clean you both need to show appreciation to each other it's tough when financial problems hit but you should talk to each. you both need to talk about how you handle all money coming in moving forward, that means when she works she contributes. I supported my ex, he never contributed a penny despite working at times I'd have next to no money, and I'd still be the one expected to pay. When I lost my job he up and left two months later I got a job at almost double and guess who wanted to come back... So if she's running out when things are tough you might be better off on your own I'm sorry to sayBest of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): I agree with the others but I also must say that you do have good reason to feel there's an imbalance in this relationship if that's how you feel.
The others are right though, you either deal with that or you shut up about it. Forgive my bluntness but if you're unhappy about the financial situation then change it. You can't use it as a stick to beat her with. You're not paying for the right to throw it back in her face any time you feel.
You need to sit down and think long and hard about what she brings to the relationship, not just in terms of finances. If there truly is an imbalance and you feel she's mooching off of you then maybe she's not the right woman for you.
You need to make a decision on whether the money thing really matters, it sounds to me like it does OP. You're not in the wrong here about wanting some equilibrium, but you're handling it in a destructive way.
I'm definitely not on your side about the gas money thing, you have no reason to get upset when you could have just asked her. You kind of got petty about that, it was the wrong battle to fight.
OP this whole thing and how you're handling it is all wrong, and it's going to finish this. Come to some kind of agreement, or maybe figure out that she does do a lot for you and there is already balance. Money is one of the biggest reasons people have stress and it's also one of the biggest reasons people break up.
If her lack of money is only temporary and you know she'll contribute more in the future then maybe you can live with it. But she has to address your concerns too. There's a reason you're being like this, you may well be putting far more into this than you're getting back and this relationship may well be totally off balance. Just handle it better OP, and deal with it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I guess she means it and I understand why. She's probably not a lazy or greedy person and would like to pay her own bills. Yet, she is not getting any hours, has no money and you constantly remind her of that fact. As if she didn't know it already! It's very humiliating for a person to be reminded of how poor she is and how many things she couldn't afford. You say you love her, but you make her feel bad about herself. That's not very caring.
My advice is to apologize and to change your behavior and your attitude. Be grateful for the money and the job that you have, instead of looking down on others who are less fortunate. You don't have to sacrifice everything for her, but come clean about what you want.. do you want to buy her something, just because you want her to be happy? Then it's a gift. And it has to be given with a loving heart and no expectations of return. Or does she need something and you relentlessly pay for it because she asks you, but you expect her to pay it back some time? Then it's borrowed money. Just make an agreement on that, and keep record of it.
Just don't pretend you're generous anymore when you resent her afterwards.
And about the gas money: Why do you expect someone with zero income to share some money with you? When you actually have enough to support yourself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): If shes telling her friends, then that could mean shes serious. When she does work and get paid, does she help with bills, rent, food, and other necessities? It isnt right to constantly throw things in her her face, but if you feel she is taking advantage, or if you are financially stressed out you need to sit down and have a conversation. Appologize for the way you have been acting first, because either way its wrong to act yhat way. But f you are stressedcout and need helpwith the bills, see if she would mind getting a temporary part time job. She cant stick you with everything if you did not agree to financially support her,but hard times happen. My fiance works fulltime while I take care of our kidd, Iits something we agreed on when he took the job. But Iin the past I supported him when he was looking for work, andvhe did the same a few years ago when I was out of work for 6mos. Its all give and take... So just figure it out, appologize and talk to her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 January 2014):
 Of course you're pushing her away! I would not want to stay with someone who pointed out constantly how little money I made and constantly pointed out that I owed them for living expenses. Talk about sucking the romance out of a relationship! If her job bothers you then you need to talk about it and decide if she needs a new job or if you can live with paying for everything. If you don't want to break up then you need to stop saying things like "I'm paying for this or that." If she was so desperate for gas money that she needed to get it from her relatives, I hardly think asking you, who is constantly talking about how much money you have, if you need gas money would be her first priority.
You're not obligated to provide for her, but either you need to decide to do it or not do it. Constantly attacking her over this is not a productive or OK way to deal with it.
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