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female
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*utterflykys
writes: I have been dating my now boyfriend for a little over a month. We were long-distance friends for over a year until he moved back into the area. I am having a problem with his friends taking priority over me. He works nights so the time we get to see each other is very important and I've told him how hurt it makes me feel when he decides to go out with his friends when he's told me that he wants to see me after work. It happens a lot. I get mad and I have expressed myself, he says he understands. I just want to feel important to him. What can I do to help him understand me better? Reply to this Question
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
Ever hear the saying, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander?"Give your boyfriend a taste of his own medicine.Some evening when he wants to be with you, sweetly tell him that you have made other plans with your friends.Do it several times...if he is an intelligent man with passion in his heart for you, he will come to his senses.Then have a SHORT conversation (guys hate long talks) about the situation & devise a "compromise"He can hang out with his buddies on certain nights, and you can be free to enjoy your independance & freedom.DO NOT call him or check up him...you are not desperate !Let him receive the message loud & clear, that you are happy to do your own thing...it will draw him like a magnet.Then you can have certain nights to hang out with your girlfriends & set aside other evenings for your boyfriend.Relationships are like smorgasbords, a little of this & a little of that...savour it...enjoy it, celebrate your lives together !
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (5 July 2005):
 I would be inclined to disagree a little with Bev's answer below.
Normally when you are first together, couples wish to spend as much time together as possible. This may include being with friends too but normally, you will meet and see your friends while you are out together.
I think it could be considered as the first flush of the relationship; when you are getting to know each other and are eager to do so.
I can therefore understand you not feeling too important in your boyfriend's life.
You may not have been together very long but you have actually known each other for quite a while.
I would suggest you tell him again that it upsets you when he says he's going to see you after work but goes out with his mates instead. He says he understands but he doesn't seem to be prepared to alter what he's doing.
Ask him if he does want a relationship with you or would he prefer to be friends. It isn't fair for you to be holding on if he isn't prepared to give a bit.
Perhaps he isn't ready for a relationship yet and would prefer to carry on as he did before he met you, I don't know but you need to ask him to find out.
I don't think its pressurising him to ask him to spend time with you. He should want to without having to be asked really. You need to find out where you stand with this guy and then take it from there. Don't wait for him if he chooses to live a single man's lifestyle; get out there and find someone more mature and able to cope with the normal demands of a relationship.
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reader, cutemooney116 +, writes (5 July 2005):
hi! ok yes all guys need time with their buddies. but as you said he works nights and your time is limited. and i can tell you just want to see him and when you don't hes mostly all of what you think about...I went through what you are going through. Tell him before he may tell you that you want a break and play hard to get and give it a week or so and he'll come back and be a great boyfriend. He'll feel bad that he ditched you for his friends a lot and will realize how precious time is with you. Just try it.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (5 July 2005):
A month isnt a long time to have been seeing someone. He wont want to stop seeing his friends because he doesnt see you as a 'serious' girlfriend yet. Youve told him how you feel and he says he understands....good.Ask him to spend a couple of set days with you through the week for now. If hes really interested in you he can give up his friends for a day or two a week surely? If not, and youre not happy, maybe its time to move on?
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 July 2005):
 You've only been dating for a few weeks, so give him time to adjust! From my reading of things, you moved from friends to dating fairly quickly, and now you appear to want him to choose you exclusively in "a little over a month" of going out.
If you recognise that his friends have been in his social life longer than you have, and that he's relied on them for a social outlet for longer than you've been on the scene, you'll be able to relax and "share" him with them, without feeling this jealousy.
Don't get mad at him. It's counterproductive! Instead, try to see things from his point of view. You've been long-distance friends, he's been running his own life the way he wanted. Then he starts dating you and finds that you're trying to control his contact with friends!
Cut him some slack.
When he says that he wants to see you after work, just clarify with him that it's not a casual invitation that he might forget: "That'd be great. I'd love to see you after work, but are you sure that you don't have any previous engagements? I'd be disappointed if you cancelled out."
Then confirm it so he's aware that you're counting on him: "OK then, see you at 8. Do you want me to meet you?"
If it keeps up more than a time or two, then he just doesn't care as much as you do, and you're setting yourself up for heartbreak to keep expecting him to choose you over his friends.
For the short-term, get used to the fact that his friends have claim on his time too. Just because you've been dating for a couple of weeks, you don't get to crack the whip and control his social life. Even though I appreciate that you want to see him, things between you are still very new and he will need a while to get used to the change.
Just try to resist the impulse to make demands and enforce rules, or you'll only drive him away.
Good luck.
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