A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I'm having this uneasy feeling about a situation, theres nothing I can do about it but wait for it to pass. And then hopefully it'll just be a forgotten memory. The situation is that my boyfriend (of 5 years, of which 2 years living together) has gone to a wedding of his friends, in another country, so is gone for 4 days.He hadn't got a plus one, but I knew I wouldn't get invited anyway as soon as i'd heard they were engaged. Im not sure if i would have even gone if I did surprisingly get one.This is a female friend from his Uni, and this group of friends have never made an effort to get to know me, they've only ever invited him out for drinks/dinner/house parties. Mostly he used to go until i showed one day how upset i felt about it all.He claimed he hadn't realised, and the handful of times I was at a social gathering with them (when he brought me along to get to know them after I pointed this out) the friends went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome, he reckoned he didn't notice still.. and after a serious heart to heart, he admitted yes I'm right, they aren't being very friendly.The he had a massive internal melt down, because he felt his friends didn't care about him, as they weren't interested in his ever increasingly serious relationship. He himself couldn't understand why they were like it. But they did the exact same to the other guys in the group, (he was the first of the guys to have a gf) so we put it down to them being a very selfish, insecure group of friends, who were scared to let anyone else in, that may take attention away from them.So now its wedding weekend, and he has gone. We had some discussions about it, and decided she will probably disappear in the marraigedeom and making babies and not really see her often any more, so may as well go, rather than decline. I agreed as I could see he did want to go, and I'm not going to force him not to go.But it just sits in my stomach like a tight knot, I just find it all so childish to be honest. The rest of that group will start with weddings, so there will be another 2 or 3 to come that will beckon this situation.Then one day it'll be our own, and I'm sure he'd like to invite them, but it would seriously cheese me off having any of them there at my big day.I was with someone previously for 4 years, he was 4 years older and all his pals were having weddings, i was invited to every single thing, we also spent many weekends all socialising together, and being adults, having fun, it was quite frankly the saddest thing about breaking out of that relationship - losing that amazing circle of (his) friends. I guess I just expected the same level of maturity, and what i have is something that feels like I'm discussing the high school Ball!!Ive been completely busying myself over this weekend, i have some important exam to sit next week, so its great to just study/live to my own schedule and prepare.But I just can't tell if I'm over thinking this, or wrong to feel 'uncomfortable' or show my feelings to him, which naturally he sees I'm uncomfortable about the whole thing, where I'm just not anything to his friends.I asked him not to call me this weekend, just instant message, let me know he's ok now and again. I'm just not interested in a phone call where he a/ talks about how lovely the wedding was (its a wedding of a gd friends - they are always sentimental!) b/ pretends he's not enjoying it at all for my benefit. Either way a phone call would make the knot in my stomach worse, at least my focussing on study helps me to forget it mostly!I asked that when he gets back, to just continue on with our week as normal, unfortunately I'm not going to be interested in all the details.I think its very sad situation. I pray it doesn't become something i resent. I think it depends how he handles the next situations?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Don't let it bother you.
They are a bunch of jerks. Maybe even trying to drive a wedge between the both of you.
Don't let them.
Your power over them is not giving them any power.
So that means not indulging them. Just completely ignore their behaviour. Show them it does not bother you. You take away all their power by doing exactly that.
In the future, I would suggest you go to EVERY event they are trying to exclude you from. Not only that but have a damn good time in spite of them! OK?
Listen to my advice.
Once you start to do that, they are going to back off.
TRUST ME ON THIS.
A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus +, writes (23 May 2016):
 Did I read this correctly? he and this other guy are getting the business because they have girlfriends? is this girl getting married receiving the same grief for getting a husband?now to the important part, why is your boyfriend so comfortable with people who will completely overlook the important things in his life? why does he call this people who have clearly gone out of their way to dismiss his life choices and seem to show no interest in his personal development at all?are you overreacting? no i don't think so, they do sound selfish and possessive, a very unhealthy group of friends, it is exactly like a high school ball.The type of group composed of 1 or 2 heads and a few weaklings getting pushed around.the typical peterpan group! bunch of people who meet in ''highschool'' or ''college'' often times misfits who will accept anyone as a friend no matter how terrible they treat them and a narcissist who needs someone to push around and suck energy out off, that is why they are so angry because you are about to take their narcissistic supply away from them and your husband seems to be under the impression that those ''people'' are his friend. I bet he feels like being out of this group is the end of his social life so he is willing to put up with them just to say he has friends. Plus we have all had that sucky friend we have known for years and no matter how terrible a person they are you can't seem to be able to get rid off them because well we have known them for years.I imagine this whole scenario and high school keeps popping in mind, it is everything like a bunch of petulent tenagers who refuse to grow up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I'm not close to all of my boyfriend's college friends or some of his other friends. My friends are different, they welcome everyone I've introduced to them so far; but that is a matter of personality-type. I make friends with very friendly accommodating people. He has friends who may be reserved or just a little jealous of me; so he protects me from them. I see no reason he should give-up friendships that have endured for years; when it bothers me not, one way or the other. I've grown tough with experience and wisdom. That takes time and constant effort.
You have a little bit of resentment leftover from times when you were younger and felt the sting of being left-out by cliques, or tight-nit social groups who wouldn't allow you in. You needed their validation and you were hurt by the rejection. Happens to all of us. It makes us all feel small and unimportant to be rejected by anyone, or a group, for any reason. However; people don't get to assess your worth. They only get to form opinions based on their feelings about you. If they don't like you. So what? You don't really like them either. So, it's even.
My boyfriend makes sure his family and friends show me respect; and he will call people out when he sees things aren't right. He is very open-minded and has an advocate spirit. He's the kind of guy that stands-up to injustice and speaks his mind. That will not change how people feel, only how they behave or think. I demand the respect I deserve, that's all I want. I off respect to people because that's my upbringing. I kill his standoffish friends with kindness, because I've already got enough love around me.
I feel no deficiencies, just because they may not like me. You have to develop this attitude, it comes with maturity. They're jealous of how you both are attached, and the group is no longer his single-most priority. He now divides his loyalty and love outside their closed-circle. That makes some selfish snobbish people feel betrayed. Loyalty to them is proven through prejudice and exclusion.
However; he has to show some empathy for your discomfort. He should in fact, insist that anyone he brings around you show you respect, kindness, and human-decency. My continued friendship depends on how well my friends treat the other people I love. Their prejudices and snobbishness will be rebuked, and I won't stand for the foolishness. Your boyfriend has to be more protective and responsive to your sensitivity about this situation. That's his duty.
If it were me or my boyfriend, neither of us would go to a wedding without the other. That's our loyalty to each other.
It just wouldn't be fun for me. I'm sure your boyfriend is a bundle of guilt right now. You don't feel it until you're smack in the middle of the situation. He wishes you were there. I know it. Don't ever be afraid to vent your feelings about it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 I can understand how this entire situation would piss you off and I think it was really mean of his friend to not have invited you when she knew that you were a part of his life. Look, maybe I'm being really irrational and but I think that your boyfriend shouldn't have gone.
You really are a very supportive girlfriend!
Anyway, what's done is done, dont dwell on it any more. The weekend will be over before you know it, its already Sunday. As for your wedding, hey its your decision who you want to invite or not. If I were you, I wouldn't invite any of these people. Let your boyfriend deal with them as he likes, I wouldn't like anyone spoiling my mood on my special day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): These friends of his treat you the way HE LETS THEM treat you. The faster you realize this the better.If you were not invited to the wedding he shouldn't have gone. Period. You've been together for a long time. It's RUDE not to invite somebody's partner. And if it happens, then the person invited should openly ask WHY. Maybe it's a stupid oversight and it can be corrected. If not, well then the person should decline.It's is a question of having respect not only for your partner but for yourself too. If he's too weak to say "no" to some people whom he cannot really call friends, how do you think he'll treat you if someone who's really close to him ( a real friend or family member) asks him to chose between him/her and you. If you think I am overreacting, go back a few years and tell me if you could ever imagine yourself in the position like this? So instead of asking how to deal with friends, ask how to deal with your partner. Why is he choosing them over you? Why did he just accept their behavior? I don't care if they treat all the other girlfriends the same way. That's not an excuse and it's none of your business. Why would have ever want to be nice to people who are rude and hurt you?I am sorry, but this is how it is.
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