A
female
age
26-29,
*uperboredtoday
writes:I am 18 years old and I started dating this 39 year old guy 3 months ago and every time I sleep over at his house he sleeps on the couch while I'm in his bed. The first time this happened I didn't pay much attention to it because I had fallen asleep early that night and figured he would come in when he got tired but in the morning I woke up to see him sleeping on the couch.I wasn't very alarmed because I thought that he must of just fallen asleep while watching TV.The second night I stayed there we were already in bed when I told him I was tired and he said that he had to work (he is a nurse and works from 7pm-7am) the next night and wanted to stay up late so he can sleep all day.So I fell asleep and when I woke up the next morning he was still on the couch. Then the third night I stayed over I wanted to cuddle while sleeping so I stayed up with him until about 2 and we went into the room and he stayed for about 2 min before leaving and when I went to check on him 5 min later I found him on the couch sleeping. I have spent the night there about 15 times and we have never once slept in the same place together. I have tried falling asleep on the couch so that way he will have to go into the room and I will just sneak in and join him later but when I do that he just leaves and goes back to the couch. He complains all the time that the couch hurts his back and when I ask why he doesn't sleep in the bed with me he doesn't respond.We barely cuddle and that's only when it's day time and I'm watching TV and he falls asleep and when I try to move he usually pulls me closer to him and won't let me go. He has a king sized bed so even if he doesn't want to cuddle me while I'm sleeping there is plenty of room for him to have his space. So why doesn't he want to sleep in the bed with me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 You are both at very different stage off your life, you are still very young, and you want to wait before you settle down and have children which is completely natural, but he is at an age now where he is probably in a hurry to have a family and get married. A 21 year age gap is huge at your age, and something you both really need to talk about. I know it is only early days for you guys, but you need to make sure you want the same things.
Now as for sharing a bed, it is strange why he won't just tell you. I think you should offer to sleep on the couch and see if that makes a difference, it could be that he has trouble sleeping, could be lots of things, only he knows the answer.
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female
reader, Superboredtoday +, writes (22 May 2016):
Superboredtoday is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes we have already had sex but I know he sees a future with me because he keeps bringing up the fact that he has never married and doesn't have kids and really wants those things soon. At first I thought he was just bringing up this topic because we have only been dating a month but then he keeps asking me how many kids I want, my dream house, and what kind of wedding I have dreamed of. He is a really good guy and is the best relationship I have had so far but the age gap is a problem negate I just started college and I want to finish that and start my career before even thinking about that stuff but I will talk about that stuff in another post
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (22 May 2016):
The other answers are all possibilities, but it could also simply be that he struggles to share a bed with someone else. I am a very light sleeper and someone moving a lot or even breathing deeply can wake me up/ keep me awake. Sometimes I absolutely have to leave the room and sleep somewhere else, otherwise I'd get no sleep at all. It certainly doesn't mean I love my partner any less though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I hope this doesn't sound mean, but maybe he was hinting that YOU take the couch so he could be more comfortable. Despite having a large bed, its really hard for someone to share a bed sometimes.You said he works nights, is it always like that or does he have rotating shifts? If it's rotating, his sleep schedule is constantly readjusting and sharing a bed may compound this. If its not rotating, and you're spent the night 15 times, well, that's close to every other night off that he has (depending on how many shifts per week/how long you've been coming over.But he's not averse to cuddling he'll cuddle on the couch during the day. Daytime IS his night time so I think maybe that's part of it. Maybe it would be best to go home when he's sleeping and to cut the overnights down unless you're both sleeping or both awake. And even then, offer to sleep on the couch.I guess I went with the third-shift/rotating shift assumption because I've been that person. Definitely ask him, its the refusal to answer that bugs me. Saying, "I can't sleep when someone's in my bed" would not make him an asshole. "This overnight thing just drags it out too long" (or similar) means he resents having his space taken up.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 May 2016):
You’ve only been dating 3 months and there is quite a large age gap.
It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on unless you talk to him about it, but it may need you to take the initiative and tell him that you are happy and would like to share the bed with him, and ask him what’s troubling him if he refuses or seems unenthusiastic. Has the relationship become sexual yet? If you’re not already sexually active, he might just be trying to be respectful. It might be easier for a red-blooded male not to share a bed with some-one he’s tempted by. You probably seem quite young to him so he doesn’t want to push or pressurise you. He may also feel insecure: do you know that the age gap isn’t a problem for him?
I think this just needs to be discussed and you need to be clear how you want things to progress. That’s how you’ll find out where he is and whether you can find a way forward.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): You did not mention whether you have had sex together. This would change the answer.
If you've been sexually intimate, then it seems to me he is trying to maintain physical space from you. It's his way of keeping an emotional distance. He does not want to become attached to you.
It could be because he is much older than you are. And he does not see you as relationship material. He may see this arrangement as temporary. He does not see a future with you. Also, maybe he has a complex about your age and in a strange way is trying to be respectful by not sleeping with you in the same bed, even though he has sex with you. Like I said, it's strange.
If you are good enough to have sex with, then you are good enough to share a bed with. And if he is having a relationship with you then he does owe you an explanation for his actions. Period. Do not let him get away with not explaining his behaviour. Force the issue. Sit him down and tell him you need to know why he does this. And that you are prepared to walk away if he cannot answer you. As this is something that really bothers you. I doubt you could remain in this relationship if he continues sleeping on the couch. I know I would not.
If you have not had sex, then it seems to me he is having cold feet about going to the next level due to your age difference. Or is not sure he wants to. But he obviously enjoys being with you and having you around.
The problem is that you are getting too attached to him and he is not reciprocating the closeness you are longing for.
Just be careful not to get your heart broken. Before you invest it in a man, make sure you know what his intentions are. And proceed with your eyes open. If he wants a mostly sexual relationship, ask yourself if you want JUST that and CAN you handle JUST that? Men rarely change. We women tend to think we can change them. You need to get an explanation from him so YOU can decide if he is RIGHT for you. Don't just go along with him. You have rights and needs too. He may think because you are younger that he can manipulate you or control you or do whatever he wants. Make sure you stand your ground and do not let him get away with anything. Even if it means losing him. You are still young and can find far better. The age gap at this point is quite large and I can see many problems associated with this now and in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I see that the age gap is huge. So I have to ask. Are you guys having sex? If not he may feel too tempted if he shares the bed with you.
When I was your age, I started seeing a guy who was 14 years my senior. We slept for two weeks in the same bed (we started dating when we were on a climbing trip with our team) but I didn't want to have sex with him until we went back home. I wanted to have sex with him, no mistake about that, but I didn't want it to be just a summer fling. And it wasn't. But, sleeping with me in the same bed was very hard for him. Harder than for me because I knew why I made the decision.
Talk to him. Bring the question of sex up. It's an important part of the relationship and you need to be on the same page.
Him being older than you can sometimes be hard. He's lived through so much more. But it doesn't have to be an obstacle if you talk about everything openly.
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