A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:Advice please! My guy grew up in the town we live in. I did not - He and I have been together three years - He tells some I am his girlfriend he tells others we are just friends everyone thinks we are husband and wife! I am not even sure what we are anymore - Anyway, he seems to like to tell me about past relationships with women who live here - I dont get it - Is he doing it to be hurtful? I feel so outnumbered! He is with me - I guess - but on Saturday a woman came to pick up her daughter who was visiting his daughter ( he has two girls from a previous marriage, btw he and I dont live together and his daughters only are part custody with him )When she left he said - I went to the prom with her, well not her but she went with a friend and I went with Amy...What the f! I said to him why would you tell me that? He didnt really answer but he reminds me constantly of the relationships he has had in the past - This lady was very nicely shaped - I was when I met him but the last few years have taken a toll on me - He keeps me in emotional turmoil with this and i am an emotional eater - I know I cant blame him only for my weight gain but he is getting mean about it - I was 36-24-36 when he met me three years ago - lets just say I am not now but other people men and women say I am very pretty and a lovely person. Even strangers - When we are out everyone thinks we are a loving married couple but then he makes remarks that are so hurtful - WHY does he feel a need to do this?He thinks my problems are all in my head and I can just make it stop - I take psych meds for trying to cope with anxiety and depression ( i was in an abusive marriage) He thinks I dont need psych meds yet he takes other things recreationally. I do all sorts of projects at his house - he has rarely even been to my house and we only live 5 doors away from each other - My daugher, who is a young teen, wont accept him as anything - she has told me to take care of myself and that it has been like three years and he has never done a 'project' here. His friends and family think I am wonderful, he even tells me that I am - but then he knocks me down a few pegs as he says... Yes he actually says this to me - Is he jealous that I am a good person? I absolutely adored him before but now being that it has been three years I dont think this is going any further, He knows I would like to be married and he says 'someday' But I dont want to waste any more time if he doesnt want me right.Sorry this is SO long and I am rambling - I cant seem to make sense of what he is doing or I am allowing him to do - I have tried talking to him but he just doenst seem to respond or sometimes he will say he loves me - But I think he loves that I am a companion and he doesnt want to be alone - HELP
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 April 2008):
 It is psychological. You are the receiver, and he is the cause. Why do you need to know about his ex's? Does knowing about them provide a positive impact on your relationship with him? If his comments are not for the positive growth of the relationship, then they really don't need to be said.
When he says "someday", that's an answer of avoidance. It sounds like that's an area he's not considering. It allows him to keep getting what he wants, and gives you a thought of it being a possability at some point. The problem is, 30 years, is still someday.
I can't even begin expressing how much you should listen to your daughter. She sounds like a very smart young lady. She told you first that you need to take care of yourself. That is priority. If you're not taking care of yourself, then you're not able to completely take care of your daughter. She can see past what you're seeing, looking from the outside of this relationship. I bet she knows the someday he's talking about is not one that is going to be beneficial to either of you. Kids often don't get attached to someone they know would be a waste of time to do so.
If it we're me, I'd be telling him to shape up, or goodbye. You need to make sure the person you marry is going to be there as a positive support model for your child as well. Someone who she knows when you're out and about, she can still count on being there if she needs someone. From what you said here, it doesn't sound as if he would fill that role.
I hope this helps, take care.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (28 April 2008):
The man of your dreams could be out there and you might miss him because you are with this idiot.
Go back to your house and stop talking to him. See if he notices. If he does and comes to see you then tell him it's over.
Good Luck!! xx
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