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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: So, I told this guy that I've known for 3 years that I like him. What do I do now?Funny thing is, it wasn't even me that started this whole thing. There I was minding my own business, and wham, he blindsides me with a barrage of hi hunnies and a lot of staring and smiling. I thought it strange because I really don't think I'm an object of desire. I let it go at first. Then, he would walk by me and run his hand up my arm. I didn't do anything back except have a look around to see if anyone saw what I just felt. I started to return the flirtation and since, we've gone out as friends and even fooled around a little bit.Now, here lies the problem. He doesn't call me or talk to me unless we're at the same place which isn't very often. When I call him, we talk "business" and that's all, never about what's going on between us. He's never actually expressed his feelings for me except for what I said earlier. Only a couple of weeks ago, we were fooling around, mind you, we were all worked up too, I stopped everything and told him I wasn't going to put out that night because I wanted to take things very slow. He said we didn't have to do anything that night if I didn't want to. He asked if I was afraid of commitment, I said no and that I thought he wasn't looking for a commitment. He just laughed a little bit and we decided to leave. What did he mean by that? I explained to him, I wasn't teasing him and that I like him. He's just kinda "cool" towards me now. He doesn't ignore me, but I don't think it's the same. Was it just a bad thing I told him I fancied him? What did I do wrong? Is it me who just feels weird about the situation? Does he just want me for sex and is now not wanting to put up with waiting for me to "work up to it"?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Yes, dear poster, you said it just right :-).
De nada (you're welcome).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGracias por tus amables palabras. No me recuerdo mucho espanol, pero pienso que dije, Thanks for kind words. Si?
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 May 2008):
You made me laugh, poster :-), and I love your Spanish :-) :-) :-). I guess you would only need to leave the man alone with the bull, and he would get the idea where to ram his horns :-).
:-) :-) :-)
And yes, you learn a lot if you have a friend of the opposite sex. Cherish the experience you have with that friend, because it's priceless.
I have a little Spanish for you. It's a saying I learned from my mom. Sometimes, a woman is "mucho jamón para tan pocos huevos". That is, she is "too much of ham for so little of eggs (balls)". You're certainly "mucho jamón".
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will make it known I won't be used and thrown away and that's that. I was very happy I up and left they way I did. He was prime, ready to go and I cut him off. Kind of on purpose. I know maybe that was a little mean, but at the time I felt he deserved it for wanting me only on his terms.
I definitely don't want to upset the flow of the rest of the group either. I know it would if they found out should I have done something with him. I know things get weird between friends when sex is involved.
I've learned a lot about men. My best friend is a man and we've been friends for close to 20 years. I totally appreciate the fact that we are so different and yet alike as well. He's learned from me and I from him. I think it's great to be able to share ourselves as openly as he and I do. We are only friends and that will never change.
BTW, if I had el toro I would ram los cuernos straight up his culo.
Thanks to the both of you!!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 May 2008):
That sure is an evil grin :-). I'm not sure what it means but I'm sure I like it :-).
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Daniel, can she borrow the bull (toro) for a bit of gory fun in that carpark??? *Evil grin*
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 May 2008):
I have to say I made a mistake in my opinion about this man.
I thought it was clear he was a player, but also a person capable of more elevated thoughts and actions. He's obviously not. This is not a man who first checks what effect his actions might have, and acts in consequence, maybe running the risk that people will find him hesitant; he was only calculating the crudest way to take you to bed and make you his toy. And then, he does that to someone who is close to him (though I'm not saying it would be right if he did it with a stranger). I'm sure he behaves this way in other areas of life, as well. He's a rat. He has also failed to appreciate the group, you know? There are some things you just don't do, but particularly to those near you.
I agree with Tisha-1 now: he failed to see who you are. His actions have revealed who he is. He had a fine woman, and he couldn't do anything better than dropping his pants. If he got Versailles for free, he would use it the gardens for a trailer park and barbecues, and the palace would make a cool nudie bar.
You must feel happy that he's out of your life now. What do you need him for? Can you imagine what your situation would be if you were with him? What role he would want you to play?
Maybe it would be awful if his behavior made you leave a group you feel comfortable in, but I would suggest that you put distance between you and him, forever. You did the right thing in sending him away; make sure he stays there. I'm sure he will try again if you don't do something to show him he can't even dream of anything with you at all.
As to women not understanding men, and men don't understanding women, finally I find someone who agrees with me :-). I'm sure that if we bore that in mind, we would have a lot less problems, because perhaps we would be more patient and more forgiving of bad first impressions. And, also, we would take other points of view in better and greater consideration.
As to the dirty jokes, which has nothing to do with you but with me (sorry), there are levels of dirt. Some jokes are obviously too much. I'm from a different culture, and I'm sure that most women here are also listeners and gigglers, but in this country everyone tells dirty jokes. I'm not sure a woman would cut contact with a man because he tells jokes. But that's something I will learn to take in consideration :-).
The ripe fruit thing is a compliment, but it's also the truth, as I see it. I have changed my mind in this regard, maybe because I'm older. I think women are best from 30 to 50 :-). You're right in the middle of that. I didn't say the ripe fruit thing for the sake of saying something.
You want to have meaningful relationships. And I'm sure you would put all of your experience and intelligence into making it work. Just learn to wait for the right farmer who will see the fruit shining under the sun, and will take his time to really enjoy it. He won't sell that fruit; he will know it was meant for him, will take it somewhere private, and will make sure he's in the right mood and will take the time to really feel its taste. The Romans had a saying, you know: "You don't give lilies to the swine".
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2008):
Oh my gawd, my jaw hit the floor when I read what he tried to do in the carpark. What an asinine, self-centered, idiotic, maximum jerkimus, a**hole!!!!! I am floored, he is a first-class loser!
You now have your answer from him. And you absolutely did the right thing. He is missing out on a fabulous lady who deserves soooooo much more than that kind of putrid behavior. I wish you'd grabbed him by the short and curlies and just yanked out a big ole clump of hair! (Sorry, I'm very upset for you at the mo.)
So, keep on being your obviously level-headed, nice, sensible self and enjoy your true friends and laugh and giggle and have a good time with them. And ignore the hell out of the creep... I'd be soooo tempted to tell the awful story to some of the people around you, but that might backfire, so just cut him from your life other than with business...
And I like the ripe fruit comment too, Daniel! Such a gentleman he is (Daniel, I mean).
You go, girl!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Update – I saw him. Not a word, wink, smile nothing from him until it was time to leave. I was trying to get his attention specifically for business reasons, I promise you. However, I wasn’t able to until we were the last ones there. It would just not have been proper to bring up the subject we needed to speak on in front of the people he was talking to. Now mind you, we are a very huggy, kissy friendly group of people. Doesn’t matter who you are we all exchange friendly hugs and kisses at the end of the evening; we’re a big family. Welp, his kiss to me was a very long kiss, 10-12 seconds, eyes closed and everything. It was definitely more than the average peck on the lips I get from everyone else. As I was getting this kiss my eyes, wide open, were darting back and forth while thoughts of “what the heck do I do now” race through my mind. He knows full well he makes me turn to jelly. There we are in the carpark, he takes his pants down and wishes me to give him a BJ. At the start of our convo he tells me he’s really tired and needs to go home to go to sleep. I say ok bye, see ya in a couple weeks. That’s when the kiss takes place and the aforementioned happens. Anyway, I sent him on his merry way. I guess he thinks I want to be his “whenever it’s convenient for him you know what”. I don’t want that at all. I assume he doesn’t want to see me outside of our club thing. I’ve asked him to go here and there with me, but he’s always got something else to do. I know he has “action” cause he told me he did this past weekend. I give up with him. I’m tired of it.
A comment about the beer and dirty jokes; I am a beer drinker but not so much of a dirty joke teller. I’m more of a listener and a giggler. I know lots of women who get offended at dirty jokes and will drop a guy friend for telling one. I just wanted to say; I like dirty jokes no matter how gross, sexual, or perverted they are. You both are correct; these guys do feel comfortable around me. This is the best social circle I have ever been in.
You’re also correct that women don’t understand men. I’ve heard it the other way as well and I think we don’t understand each other equally. It’s just so frustrating sometimes to try so hard and get nowhere. You’d think that age would change the way one thinks, but obviously that’s not true either. I’ve practically reverted back to my teenage years through this whole situation.
Once again I thank you for writing me. You both have wonderful advice and believe me; it made me feel much better. I very much appreciate all the positive comments about me. I know I’m worthy and am deserving of being treated properly. Ripe fruit – that’s so cute it made me laugh. Thank you!!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 April 2008):
Tisha-1 is a great agony aunt and a dear friend, and I very often see things the same way she does. This time, however, I beg to differ with her. I won't disagree for the sake of disagreeing.
I think Tish is right, in her second opinion, up to this point:
"What I want to do here is to suggest that you have found this man desirable, and have shown that to him. You've also demonstrated that you're not going to rush into a sexual relationship without the understanding that it could lead to something more. I think that's great, because you've kept your head in a very arousing situation and you've drawn your boundaries and set your limits."
I think that the key in this case of yours, poster, is a very tricky one. The man you met did not stop going after you because he failed to see your worth. Much to the contrary, he became colder because he wants the sex, not the commitment you expect him to give. This is all there is to it.
This is a man in his fifties, who knows exactly what he is doing. He wants you in his bed, but he doesn't want that to mean anything else. If you won't come to him in his terms, then he won't bother. He must think that there will be another woman who will.
I would like to highlight that you haven't given him "signs" only. You said exactly what was on your mind, in clear terms. There's no misunderstanding you, or not daring to catch you; much to the contrary. The man is playing his hand of cards in the way he finds best.
This is not a man who fails to act because he's shy, or stupid, or social conventions, or because he doesn't see a clear situation.
Your being "one of the guys" does not detract from your being an object of desire. I can see the situation in a different way: if they feel they can have their beers and tell their jokes in your company, then they are very comfortable with your presence. That gives you extra points. And, your age tells me you're a ripe fruit! And you're even younger than he is! So, let's see: the right age (and younger), the right body, the right attitude towards me.... Do you think she finds you hot?
Now I want to give you two extras, that don't have anything to do with your direct situation. It's just reflections that I want to share, to expand on my opinion.
Just for the sake of clarity, let me say that men don't always fail to act on a woman's expressions of interest just because we fail to notice the worth of the person who is right in front. It's not that simple.
First, very often men can't read women.
Second, you have to be careful what you conclude on a woman's actions: have you noticed how many times a man comes to Dear Cupid to say "she say's we're just friends"? The signals should be very, very clear, and I'm sure you will agree with me that most often they aren't. They are "hints" that are "dropped" in the hope that the man will "take" them.
Third, sometimes the "context" won't let you act. If you're a married man, for example, are you supposed to act on another woman's expressions of interest?
And fourth, sometimes women do have flaws that make you not keep trying with them, even if they are quite a catch. Nobody is perfect.
Don't take rejection personally, like Tisha says, because it's not. If it happens, it's just that someone else doesn't find you right for him or her. In this case of yours, poster, he doesn't find you right because you want commitment. I agree with Tisha that he's missing out on a great woman, but bear in mind why.
And then I wanted to add something about the dirty jokes and the beer. I happen to be very amusing when telling dirty jokes, so I need to mention this bias of mine. But, I see no reason why the jokes and the beer should bother you. They are a group of friends having fun in a place intended to be used to have fun.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2008):
Thank you for your followup! That was helpful to me, and I'm sorry if I responded as if you two worked together in a business. I know Dear Cupid tells people to keep the questions short but I really think that having the details is crucial to trying to offer our opinions.
Okay, back to this guy and his confusing behavior. I have to laugh at the 'head games' comment because as I've gotten older and therefore theoretically wiser, I've realized that the fundamental question of 'does he like me?' is ageless. It doesn't matter if you're 16 or 26 or 36 or 46 or even 86! Somebody has to put him or herself out on a limb and risk rejection by the object of his/her interest. It's maddening that sheer age alone doesn't change this.
As for you not being an 'object of desire,' well, I agree with Danielepew that you can indeed be just that. Being 'one of the guys' doesn't mean you're not secretly desired, especially since you sound like you are fun to be around!
What I want to do here is to suggest that you have found this man desirable, and have shown that to him. You've also demonstrated that you're not going to rush into a sexual relationship without the understanding that it could lead to something more. I think that's great, because you've kept your head in a very arousing situation and you've drawn your boundaries and set your limits.
I go back to him not really pursuing you outside the once a week meetings; I still think that if he was really truly interested that he would have asked you on a proper date. You've given him the opportunity, and he hasn't taken the chance to do this.
This next bit is going to sound really strange, but I think you shouldn't take this personally. Seriously, it's not you, it's him. For whatever reason, he is not taking the next steps to a real dating relationship with you. And we could speculate endlessly on why, but it does finally boil down to him. You're in his path, you've got a good sense of humor, you're tolerant of foibles, you get things done in the club, you've told him you're not afraid of commitment and still he doesn't call you outside club business.
Guess what? You are a very brave woman who's shown her interest and deserve much respect for that! It takes courage to reveal that part of yourself to someone and you did it. I give you high marks for that! I also give you high marks for not selling yourself short, and succumbing to something that didn't feel quite right. You go, girl! You rock!
The fact that he hasn't figured out that you're a real catch is HIS problem, not yours. Hold your head up, go in to the club meetings, get your business taken care of, enjoy a bit of a flirt if you feel like it, don't flirt if you don't feel like it!
And above all, really truly, above all else, acknowledge your courage in revealing your feelings to someone, risking the ultimate human fear, rejection. You should be giving yourself a huge pat on the back and recognize your inner fundamental strength. You rock!
If he doesn't call for other than business, that's his loss, and that's how you should be handling this. If he does cross that room to flirt with you, 'hi bunny' you, and carry on without moving things forward, well, you're now in control of your thoughts and can decide how you want to handle him.
If it were me in your shoes, and he did this again, at this point, I would smile pityingly at him (not pitifully, there's a distinction) and think to myself, 'you idiot, you're missing out on a fabulous woman!'
I hope you'll give us an update when you see him again... but, from me to you, I think you're a fabulous woman and you deserve to be taken out and wined and dined! So there. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for answering me. I really appreciate it. I tried to keep my question short and maybe didn’t clarify things too well. First, let me state this is not happening at work. We are in a "club like thing" and see each other only on a weekly basis unless we have something on the weekend. I never considered myself an object of desire because “I’m one of the guys” so to speak. I don’t get offended at their dirty jokes or how much beer they drink, that’s just not me. This person isn’t in my age category either; he’s close to being 12-14 years older than me. Or is that still in my age category? I thought the head games thing was supposed to be over by now. I’m over it, but apparently not over it enough, not to fall into it. The tension between us has been going on for 2 ½ years and I just recently told him I liked him. I don’t go out of my way to make him notice me. I show up and do what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, this does involve our speaking and working together otherwise, I stick to my side of the room and he sticks to his. He is the one who comes to find me. The thrill of the chase I suppose? Maybe, it's not thrilling for him anymore.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 April 2008):
It seems to me that he was trying to have something with you, but not exactly a relationship. I don't think a serious interest in a woman begins like this, as a game. Or at least that's not how I would express a serious interest in a woman. And I assume he must be about your age, so I would expect him to know better than play silly games. And I would manifest my interest in a woman at all times, not only when we met.
You know, his playing it cool is not a good sign in this case. It could be understood as a wish not to run any unnecessary risks. Something like "I tease her to make her interested, eventually we take things to a higher level, and I'll have made it".
The commitment thing is a big red flag, I guess. First he said you didn't want any commitment. You fired back saying that you were afraid he wasn't the one interested. I would take that to mean that you want something serious, and want to take things slow because you want someone who will want a serious thing, too. And what's his answer? Laughter. I don't think that's a good thing.
I think you shouldn't continue to pay attention to this guy. I would be surprised if he ever came back to you with serious ideas. That doesn't seem to be his interest.
By the way, who said you can't be the object of desire? This might not be the ideal way to know it, but, the interest this man showed, even if bad, is proof that someone can be interested in you. Someone can indeed desire you, poster, and that's fine.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2008):
Hi, I have to say that I think that if he were truly interested in a relationship with you, he'd have been behaving differently. Like asking you out on a proper date, that kind of normal thing.
It doesn't sound like it to me, sounds like he's enjoying flirting and just playing around.
I'd leave him alone for the time being, stay professional and don't let him mess with your head!
Take care and don't sell yourself short. And don't flirt at work unless you don't mind what it might do to a career for you there, please, you don't want to jeopardize that over a man who isn't being completely straightforward with you.
All the best.
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