A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Current boyfriend is friends with a girl whom I have issues. Upon meeting her i had the sneaking suspicion that she had feelings for him. She lives in another state, so the last time she was in town she stayed at his house. I considered that I might just be paranoid so i went out of my way to be accepting of their friendship. I even invited her backpacking with us. By the end of it, i was convinced that she was not a threat and that their friendship was important. The day after we got back,in her drunken state,took off her clothes and got into her bed. My boyfriend did the right thing and kicked her out of her bed. Upon hearing these details, i felt incredibly manipulated by her. After, she made no attempt to apologize or make things right with him or with me. For a few months, he kept his distance from her. However yesterday she was in town and HE asked to see her. She was remorseful to him, but still has no intention of even apologizing to me. As a result i am highly uncomfortable with the situation. I almost had a panic attack when he told me he was going to see her. He told me he was going to remain friends with her even if she felt no need to make things right with me. I don't want to be controlling, but i think in the situation, it is somewhat reasonable to ask him to stop being friends with her. He is willing to lose me to go to bat for his friendship with her. Am i being unreasonable? I need the perspective of some outside people. Should i stay with him even though their interaction makes me very anxious? I feel like he is choosing her over me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): You say that she doesn't think she needs to apologize to you. I don't know what she is thinking but that might not be the right assumption to make based on her silence.
Maybe she would want to apologize to you but she feels very awkward and does not know how to approach you about the whole thing.
Or maybe she is not aware that you even know about what she did. Maybe she thinks its easier to let sleeping dogs lie with you since they didn't actually do anything sexual.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): In my experience I would say talk to him about it straight out if it happened once it could happen again and its not a good thing. You need to step in and if he ignores you and doesn't want to listen then I suggest that you end things if you feel that you can't take it. No man in his right mind would give up his relationship with his girl for a "friend". As an advise don't trust to easily on girls if you have a bad feeling stick to it don't let your guard down.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): You should really just sit down with him and talk about it. If it bothers you he should at least hear you out and come to some sort of compromise. I know all hell would break loose if I told my girlfriend that another girl would be staying at my house and the fact that she came into his bed naked and didn't apologize is just wrong.
"He told me he was going to remain friends with her even if she felt no need to make things right with me."
If those were his exact words than that should throw up some red flags already. If he cares more about his friend than your relationship than it's only going to get worse. Before even thinking about breaking up sit down and talk things out, tell him how you feel and if things don't work out than whatev's. You're young and there's plenty of other guys.
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A
female
reader, shapoopsy +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Dear Anonymous, What a horrible dilemma! Without more information, it is hard to give the best advice. So, I'm going to go with my gut on this: He's not the one. How do you know that anything he has said on this matter is true? The bottom line for me would be that he allowed her in his bed with him. Period. If you want to remain, then you will need to drop the matter. This will play out. Best of luck, ~Shapoopsy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to clarify that it was HIS bed that she got into.
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