A
female
age
36-40,
*esired23
writes:Please help me! I have been back dating my current bf for about a month now. Long story short, we originally met 2 years ago, got engaged too fast and realized we needed to slow things down, so we broke off the engagement and took sometime apart, we got back together about 6 months later and I got pregnant. I miscarried 4.5 months into the pregnancy and we broke apart cause I couldn't stand to see him afterwards. I got really depressed and what not and now we just got back together about a month ago after another 6 months apart. Just this last Saturday I spent the night at his house, he got a phone call at 5am from his ex telling him that she was pregnant. Please give me some advice, I don't know what to do. He wants to be with me, and we've made plans to eventually get married and he wants to start a family with me. I'm just leery because now she is going to have to be in his life again and his first born is going to be with another woman. Please any advice will help, I just feel really lost at the moment. I love him so much, but we've been through alot and where I want to be there for him, I can't stand to think that I will be second in his life when this child is born. Thank you in advance for you time in reading this.
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female
reader, Desired23 +, writes (14 November 2008):
Desired23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the replies.
As for getting pregnant myself, that has never crossed my mind, at this point in my life I can't even fathom going through another pregnancy. I know it is easier to give advice than take it, and if one of my friends was in the same boat I would probably say to leave him, but I was hanging out with him before all this happened, and I don't intend on leaving because of this.
She told him that he doesn't have to be a part of anything, but I know him better than that, he will want to help out in any way he can; apparently for whatever reason, his ex wasn't on birthcontrol when she got pregnant for what reason? I'm not quiet sure. I take mine religiously, and even freak out when my period comes a day late.
I guess I just need advice on what I can expect as everything unfolds, as I have been pregnant before I understand alot of what she is going through, and feel she is very brave for everything she is doing; but I've never been on the other end of this. I plan on staying with him, and if things don't play out as I would expect them to, at least I can say that I did my best and tried to stay with the man I loved. I have dated many guys before him, but I have never had the bond that I have with him.
This child deserves the best in life, the circumstances with its conception should not change the life that it should have; I just pray I somehow fit into the picture in the future. Thank you again for the advice, I need as much as I can get.
~Des
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 Hi there,
I think because of the terrible event that happened to you so recently that this is all a bit too much to cope with right now. I would not make plans or start trying to have another child with your boyfriend at the moment. If you can bear hearing about his ex having his baby then keep in the relationship but don't go down the route of making your own family or marriage plans as yet. I think this will be a very testing time for you and I personally could not cope with my boyfriend and his ex having a baby after what you have lost and gone through. I would take a bit of a back seat in this and watch how it all pans out seeing how he behaves and how you feel about it all. My advice would be do not jump in and immediately try to replace what you have lost because you feel pushed into it by this other woman or to replace what you have lost.
I say this because I had a still born baby girl and then immediately tried to get pregnant to get over this. I did and it was the worse thing i could have done as I wasn't ready mentally and my husband didn't want another child so soon and started lots of affairs and behaving badly, he eventually left.
You have got over a hard part, you know she is pregnant and now you have to wait for the pregnancy to runs its course. For me this would be far too hard to deal with but if you love him and feel a bond with him then you can get through this. Make sure he pays what he can towards anything she may need but other than that explain to him how you feel and try to get him to have as little contact as possible so you are not constantly reminded. This is and will be a dreadful time for you and my heart goes out to you. All the very best,
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