A
female
age
30-35,
*onicaeliza
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year (11 months) and it has been a great and solid relationship for the most part. However, something I could just never quite get over is the fact that he still remains with his ex. Like many of you can say, "A lot of people are still friends with their exs". Do not get me wrong! I am not your typical psycho girlfriend that doesn't want you to have any friends. So here is a little bit of HIS history to get my point across.My boyfriend dated a girl for 4 years. She was his high school sweetie. They were very much in love, or if you as him; HE was in love. He loved her very much he asked her to marry him, she agreed and they were gonna get married. The last year of the relationship, they began to part (by then already engaged). Problems began to spur, and they decided to take a break. The "break" lasted for almost a year. He didn't see any other girls. However, she had a friend who she began to get quite close to. He wasn't stupid and knew what was going on but never had the courage to see it. Until he confronted her about it. Turns out she didn't want to marry him and had been dating somebody else. She broke his heart and left him devastated. He tells me how he was always sick, and depressed and strongly believed he could never love someone again. This all happened when he was around 20. Time heals all wounds or so they say. Three years of partying, and trying to hide depression and forget all horrible situations he went through...we met. We like to joke how it was God's will that we are together since we met at church. As soon as we met, it almost felt as if it was inevitable that we would be together. About 3 months ago we were talking about "love and staying friends", and he mentioned he is STILL friends with the girl he was gonna MARRY. I told him how much I hate it but how I feel I don't have a right to tell him who he should or not talk to (like I said, I try not to be a psycho girl). But I cannot help and wonder, could they still be in love? I cannot seem to understand why anyone would stay friends with someone that hurt you so badly. His explanations to this is:"We are friends. We don't hang out everyday, or text all the time, is only a once in a while 'hello'. She calls me for advise sometimes, but not because we love each other still, but because we grew up together and she knows I know her better than anyone else. We had an unhealthy relationship, and we were young. I would be stupid to go back to her if I have you."As much as I want to understand I still cant help to think. IF SHE HURT YOU WHY WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH HER. I don't like to fight with him, but there are just certain things I can't get out of my head. I need help, if anyone has it, have mercy. I want to break up with him because I have NEVER been in love with anyone BUT HIM, and I feel horrible that he has loved someone SOOO MUCH MORE before me and that even after all the bad stuff he can still look at her an say "I'm here for you" (as friends). It really bothers me, and we have been together for a while and I don't want to have my mind strangle me with thoughts that could be wrong.So, what do you think. HELP PLEASE!
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Interesting... A few people agreed that he is not over her, and one person completely contradicted them and said that he is over her. Everyone makes solid points. But no one mentioned (nor did you mention) the point of: Do you trust him?
The thing is, his relationship with her (friendship or otherwise) wouldn't concern you at all if she wasn't an ex and if you weren't insecure about the fact that she was his first "love".
Let me tell you a little something about First Loves. They come at a time when emotions and hormones are running at an all-time high. The sex is frequent because guys are horndogs and girls are willing to put-out because they want love. Emotions that they feel when they start to feel attraction towards each other are oftentimes magnified and scewed because they want to perceive those emotions as True Love. The thing is, though, most of us at that age don't know what True Love honestly is. None of us have any real goals in life other than to graduate highschool and start college. No one wants to start families or begin careers or build lives. They want to gain experience, get laid, and hopefully not knock anyone up/get knocked up in the process. Kids who get engaged in their late teens or early twenties most often don't stay together, even if they think things will work out. It's because we're still growing and aren't truly the people that we want to be for the rest of our lives.
Also, movies and T.V. shows that cater to that age group are so dramatized and incorrect. Do you REALLY think The Notebook would work in real life? They fought CONSTANTLY and were completely different people when they met seven years down the road. And Aly would never give up a stable and secure life to be with a man that she broke up with seven years prior. These are the kinds of things that kids want to believe exist and keep them sticking around when they know something is dead or when they're in abusive relationships. Good things come to those who put up with the most bullshit. Yeah, right...
Your boyfriend could be leaving out a lot of things that went wrong in his relationship with her. He might have left these things out because he doesn't want to be thought a fool for proposing to her. Perhaps he only proposed to her because he thought it would be the only way to please her or make her stay interested in their relationship. Most times people hold onto something that they know is dead because they're afraid of starting all over.
My ex and I were together for a year and a half. We were both seventeen when we began dating. During this time, we were in long-distance for nine months until I moved across the country to be with him. We constantly talked of marriage and kids and buying a house - the whole lot. We moved in together just about a month after I graduated from higshcool. I hadn't even been on my own away from my parents prior to that. It was nice for the first couple of months, but mainly because I had never had my own place before.
Within four months, we were fighting constantly, and he was chatting with other girls online and texting them often. Within six months, I was horribly depressed, and so was he. Only seven months into our year-long lease, we went on a break. Three months later, we broke up. During this time, I was the one who asked for space. I told him that I needed to focus on myself (which I did), but I could feel my attraction and affection towards him fading quickly. He wouldn't face it, and held onto the idea of "us" for the whole five month separation. He sobbed in front of me quite a few times. Keep in mind, we still lived together, but we might as well have been in separate accommodations as we didn't interact as a couple at all. Roommates if anything.
At the end of the lease, he moved out and into his parents' place. By this time, I had fallen for someone else, he had read my diary, and we had been through SO MUCH PAIN. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. It was over. But on the last day that we met up, he cried in front of me saying that he couldn't live without me. He even told me that he was going to propose and still wanted to. I didn't respond, and that was that. I've heard from several people that he was a bit of a mess for the next few months or so.
Now, even though we've been through so much pain, we can still communicate as two people who simply catch up every now and again. We certainly don't hate one another, and I can GUARANTEE you that even though he was a mess three years ago because he "loved" me, he would NEVER go back to that place. He doesn't even know me anymore. But we can still be two civil people and catch up. We even met up a couple of times about eight months after the breakup. The only reason I don't now is because my fiance doesn't want me to, and I completely respect him for that. An ex is an ex for a reason.
If you truly feel uncomfortable with your boyfriend talking with his ex, you NEED to tell him to STOP because it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to be a bitch about it. Just explain that, while you do appreciate that he doesn't hate her, it doesn't feel fair to you that he's still in touch with someone that once was in your place. An ex is an ex for a reason.
Again, this all comes down to trust. If you can trust that what he's telling you is true, then let it go. If you can't, then you need to sit down and talk with him. If he's not willing to compromise on the subject, then maybe you should rethink your relationship with him. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I would say he's not over her. Yet.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (17 May 2011):
I actually don't agree with the previous posts. I don't think that he necessarily has residual or unhealthy feelings for her left. It doesn't sound like they are in very close contact, or that he is obsessing about her, it just sounds like they are still somewhat friends. Just because he was deeply hurt by her after their relationship doesn't mean that it has to transform into hate or loathing or that he will always be hurt and unable to move on. To me, the fact that he CAN be friends with her now shows that he has gotten over it to a large degree. I think his explanation is very logical and mature. They were young, they had an intense relationship, they both probably made mistakes, and it just didn't work out. He's grown up now, he's with you now, and the past is the past. Just because he isn't with his ex and just because the romantic love is gone doesn't mean that she can't be a person in his life. They probably went through a lot together, maybe they still feel comfortable confiding things in each other, and there still is a bond. I'm still friends with my 1st boyfriend, that I dated for 3.5 years. We both have found new partners and have been with them for awhile. And while it isn't a close friendship, we keep in touch and spend time together occasionally. And I can say that on my side, there is no residual feelings whatsoever. I mean, in my head, I realize that I used to date him, I used to sleep with him, I used to think we were going to get married, but it doesn't even feel like that was real. It's like it's transcended a level to just someone that knows me and understands me, but it's platonic. Even imagining sleeping together is just weird, even though we've done it many times when we were together.If you're uncomfortable with it, maybe you should see if you can meet her and all hang out together. Then maybe you can see that she isn't a threat and she can meet his new girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, monicaeliza +, writes (17 May 2011):
monicaeliza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, of course is not what I wanted to hear but you are right.
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Yeah, i pretty much agree with Cerberus.I had a similar situation when i was younger. When they decided to get married, they were both young and naive... As always seems to be the case, the woman identified that there were issues with the relationship before the guy did. You wish she would have had the courage to not leave him hanging as long as she did, ya know?I had the same thing happen to me. The girl just didn't have the courage to tell me straight up "it'll never work", she took the coward's way out and would tell me "maybe after a year or so.."It's like that scene in "Dumb and Dumber" when the girl tells Jim Carrey the chances of hooking up are "1 in a million", and he responds "So you're saying there's a chance.. Yeah!" I think that pretty much sums up any guy's attitude towards women and relationships. If we even see a sliver of hope, we will hold onto it. You really wish that girl would have straight up broken his heart, that way he would probably have an easier time moving on, know what i mean?Given time, i think he CAN move past this, but i would think he has to stop being in contact with her. I don't think that's an unreasonable request as a girlfriend.I would lay it out as it just not being healthy for your relationship for him to continue being in contact with her. You care very much for him, and you want to be his number 1 love, and you just feel like her still being in the picture in any way is helping. Be honest with him about how you feel.I wish you luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This one is quite straight forward really. He definitely has residual feelings for her, she's his first love and his first long time love too, it can be hard to let go of that and he hasn't let go of it. The fact remains he's with you now though, so if you can reconcile the fact that as long as she's in his life he will still have a strong emotional attachment to her then things should be fine. How you do that, I don't know, I never have been able to. Any relationship I've been in that this was the case always ended for that reason. I absolutely just cannot date women who are that emotionally attached to an ex, especially when their break up caused so much pain and when they're feelings were so strong that it took years to "get over". I just don't understand why people keep hanging onto that person."IF SHE HURT YOU WHY WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH HER"The problem here is she didn't exactly hurt him did she? They were broken up when she started dating someone else, so she technically did nothing wrong, what hurt your boyfriend is that he assumed she was going to get back together with him, that's what hurt him. Not her. She didn't actually do anything directly to hurt him, that makes it even harder for him to get over her, because she just found someone else while they were on a "break".The problem with that is he technically has no reason to hate her, so he's never really had any excuse to let her go, you know? She's not actually "bad for him" in the sense that she cheated or led him on or anything like that.I wish you luck monicaeliza, I honestly have never been able to make a situation like this work. He definitely has residual feelings for her and you really just will never feel secure in this relationship while she's around because no matter what he says, I think you know that if she was to decide one day that she wanted him back and actually started working on getting him back she would succeed.He just can't let her go and I think you know what that means. You see your thoughts won't let you ignore this because it's too much, you know something is fishy about this and she represents a very real threat to your relationship. She'll just be there always to remind you of how much more he loved her than he loves you now and honestly there's just no way to know if that still isn't the case. It's very possible he does.
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