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female
,
*rokenhearted
writes: I'm sorry for such a long letter but I really need help on this one and I have to tell you the full background! My bf of 3 years and I have got back together after a three month on-off period. We do love each other to pieces and get on great. The thing is my bf does not think we'll work out. This upsets me but we're both under a lot of pressure at mo, I'm doing my finals in college and he's working and studying. Once I finish my finals I hope to go on to work and study for the same qualification so there's going to be a lot of pressure on for the next 4 years!However last night he started telling me about all the pressure he had, I assumed it was his job and study but it turns out that his parents hate me, his mam treatened to disown him if he got back with me, although that hasn't happened yet! They really do dislike me and his whole family. The thing is he's an only child and has always been extremely close to his family so I can only imagine how this is hurting him!!I don't know what to do. How can someone hate someone they hardly know this much? And how can they do this to their only son when it is obvious that he loves me and that I make him happy??Should I call over to the house when my bf is not there and try and talk to his mother? What should I say? she thinks I'm a big bully and always get my way, which is very untrue! and his family think I'm rude which again is very untrue I'm just very shy around them as they all so close and I've always felt a bit unliked in his family sitruations. Now before someone helps I have to confess that I know why they might hate me now more than they did, while we were on a break I rung my bf quite a lot on his house phone over a 3 wk period, ocassionally blocking my number so they'd pick up. Now when I say quite a lot I mean maybe 20 times over a 3wk period but what would happen was that I'd get upset, ring his mob, he wouldn't answer, ring the house, ring his mob, ring his house, so all calls were made at the same time so I can understand why they wouldn't like that but it was never early in morn or late at night and I never hung up if they answered and I was quite upset and it was just so hard to go from talking to someone 3 times a day to nothing!I know I shouldnt have rung the housephone but I was very upset at the time and wasn't thinking rationally. The thing is his parents reciewved a call from a blocked number really late on night and when they answered someone hung up, they told my bf that i had rung! That was not me!Should I bring that up when I call into see her or just let it go? what should I say? Please someone help I'm desperate and very worried for my bf as hes trying to keep both sides happy!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Seratuki  +, writes (18 November 2005):
 Hello Dear,
You are in the EXACT same situation as I am!
First off, I can tell you from experience that his parents making him choose between you with threats ans intimidation will only cause him to resent her for putting him in that position.
Secondly, You both seem old enough and mature enough for a relationship, it may be that his mom is having a hard toime letting him go because of the fact that he is an only child, she may resent you as the "Other Woman"
Seems to me that he needs to exert his independance and speak to his mother about this. He needs to let her know that he needs to lead his own life and that, while he does love her and respect her, she needs to do the same for him...
If he does not do this, and your relationship is ended, she will have had her way, at which point, you will be left miserable, and every woman after you is likely to suffer the same realtionship failure as you did.
You need to understand that this really isn't about them not liking you, it's about letting him grow up, and being that he is an only child, well...that makes it so much harder for mothers to let go.
Perhaps he should write a letter to his mother and explain his postion on this as well as his feelings for you, writing breaks the ice without an angry confrontation where things may be said out of the spur of the moment emotions.
After this letter is written, and the ice is broken, you should sit down with him and his mother and talk this out, help her understand your side, and she may understand yours better as well...
Best thing to do is talk like adults, but in the end the choice is left on the BF, he may have to choose, but please realize that most parents threats are idle, and being faced with the choice of not seeing her son or excepting you, she'll likely choose to remain in contact.
This is a true test of your love, commitment and trust.
Good Luck!!
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