A
female
age
41-50,
*erseygrl75
writes:My bf and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We had both filed for divorces prior to meeting each other due to our spouses infidelity. He has 2 children w/ his ex and had been w/ her since high school (almost 15 years). My ex is not in my life at all and there are no children. Right from the start my BF and I had an amazing bond and I seemed to get along well with his children. After 5 months together we moved in w/ each other. At that point things went down hill very quickly w/ his family. They had never been very friendly or welcoming to me, but all of a sudden they wanted nothing to do with me and made me feel very uncomfortable. I also started to sense that his ex was trying to get back together w/ him. This caused serious issues w/ my BF and me and he eventually moved out. His family took the opportunity to try to manipulate the problems we were having to get him back w/ his ex. After a few months he did a very couragous thing and stood up to his family and moved back in w/ me. For awhile things were going well for us, even though his family wanted very little to do with him. We made the decision to move together closer to his daughters (and the rest of his family) and his job about 3 months ago. Since then things have been getting worse. The few times I have been around his family they have ignored me, at a birthday party we threw for his daughter the family, especially his sister was extremely rude to me and he claims to not see any of this. It is also very difficult because his family, especially sister maintains a very close relationship w/ his ex. The way I am treated hurts me deeply, but even worse I feel like he enables it because he does nothing about it. When I've tried to talk to him about it he gets mad and defensive and says I only tell him about the way they treat me to be mean and hurtful to him. Then he'll say the only solution is for him to never see his family again, but I've told him I don't want that...So now he has decided that from now on he will not go see my family and I won't go see his. This too hurts me. My family has been nothing but welcoming and loving to both him and his children. I don't know what to do any more this situation has caused so much stress for us both that we argue about eveything now.
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divorce, get back together, his ex, infidelity, moved in, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jerseygrl75 +, writes (8 September 2009):
jerseygrl75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice STM2003...You made some really good points and validated my thoughts/opinions.I have tried to talk to him about how this makes me feel and how he handles it (or doesnt handle it) makes me feel. His reply is always that he cannot change how other people act and talking to them wouldn't do any good or once they set their mind on something there is no changing it. I know he must feel like he stands to lose either his family or me depending on how he handles the situation so by not handling it he isn't the one that effects the eventual outcome...Or he just thinks that I am likely to just put up with it indefinately.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (7 September 2009):
 This is so really sad. It appears his ex has been politicking with his family, and they are all manipulating him. He can't see the forest from the trees because, well, he's one of the trees in that family.
But what he needs to see is how mean they're being to you. He divorced his ex because she was unfaithful TO HIM. She hurt him. He wanted out because he couldn't trust his ex.
Likewise, he met you and he trusts you as a spouse, but he doesn't trust what you're saying his family is saying and doing to you.
So now he has new trust issues, but they have nothing to do with infidelity.
The one thing I always tell people is that the only way to strengthen the bonds of your relationship is to look at the the person who's weakest in the bonding process. He has torn allegiances. He loves his family, he loves you but neither them nor you can get along and so he's in the middle.
Him refusing to see your family is stupid, because in reality he's not punishing you he's punishing your family.
Not healthy right?
Okay so back to the subject at hand. You need to sit down with him and ask him who rules his heart? Him or other people? You can't lord over it, and so someone else is.
Every human being on the face of this earth has to look inside their heart and determine for themself what they want for themselves. You can't tell him what he wants. He knows you want him and that's why you're together.
Interlopers like ex-spouses and family members have no business ruling his heart. He's entitled to have a spouse who is his best friend, his confidant, his most intimate partner, and above all, the person whom he will always run to for love and support first.
His ex is not that person. His mom, sisters and whoever else, they can't ever take your place.
The best way to address this is try and do it so calmly and so gently that he can feel that you do truly love him with all of your heart and you're telling him the truth. Tell him that being mad at you is not the right way to do this. Ask him what you can do to get his family to finally accept you and at the very least, make peace with you.
If you can convince him to once and for all tell them all that he is married to you and he's extremely happy with you, then they'll back off. Right now, their jealous because they love his ex more than they love you.
I know its hard, but you deserve to be loved, not hated. You married this man and took him into your heart and you deserve to be loved by him and at least accepted by his family. If not, he needs to stand up for and defend you always that's all.
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