A
female
age
41-50,
*obme
writes:I recently got divorced after being with my husband for 12 years and we have 2 daughters. The oldest is mine as it is not his child, we only had 1 child married. My problem and question is this.We were having problems in our marriage and just fell apart, we relocated to GA to be closer to his family last May.6 weeks later he decided to send me and my girls back to IN that he sided with his family as they didnt want us married any longer.I moved on I thought and got on my feet in IN with my daughters. Now, since the divorce has been final on July 6, 2007, he is acting upset and trying to maintain a relationship with me.Buying me stuff and visiting me and wanting to be with me sexually and takes us all out to dinners and acts like we are still together bringing up memories of us being married. I am thinking I know that his family forced this divorce and now he is regretting it alot as he doesnt wnat to lose"his family" he says. I am still missing my marriage and family as well but I do not tell him. What can I do to either help him move on or stand up to his family and fight for his own? I feel like a yo yo alot and its hurting me too much to see this all happening.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): My response is what is best for you and your daughter's. Do you love him and willing to seek the guidance for a better marriage. If the past is holding you from loving him, stop the "past" is never worth holding or thinking. You need to find the right place and right words to explain that you must put his real family first. Remember successful marriage are partnered with determination and true love.
A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (11 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I did get my answers and I was dang right on all of the red flags!! He was using me to fill in his life as he has noone there in GA.I even called one of his family memebers to tell his aunt there in GA, what he was doing to me and our girls up here.
Needless to say, my ex has given me CLOSURE and he has backed off 100%!! YEAH!! :)He did fight with me untill I went to work via text messages and voicemails on my cell.He had called 28 times and sent 12 texts threatening me and blaming me for him kicking us out of his life almost 2 years ago.I stood my ground and said all I want is him out of my life and I am thanking him for closure.I said I am stopping you from taking advantage of me and our kids here on out! That I am better than that and he needs help! Life is not a game in which you can hurt and use people like this.Its nice to go back to a normal drama free life again! :)
Also, last nite I have been liking a customer and we are now talking and he asked me for my phone number and said he will call this weekend!! WOOHOO!! Life is full of surprises!! :)
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (10 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell all I stayed up super late last nite and talked with one of my girlfriends online..I think we have came to the conclusion that my ex is feeling immense guilt about kicking me and our daughters out of his life.Why he is being so needy with me and is wanting to make things right.I have been down the guilt road before with an ex and the feelings of guilt and wanting me to make it right was so validated that I had an affair to try to right the wrongs!This was not a good choice I learned!
Sad part is that the guilt feelings will do anything to make things right the longer the guilt builds up inside!This is a major red sign for me as you try to make things right in can make an obsession sit in.What my ex needs is my forgiveness and he needs to get rid of his resentment feelings of guilt and move on!
I got over any resentment feelings of guilt after going through alot of therapy to rid my baggage.Now, I am 100% guilt free and content!
I have yet to get any validation from my ex that he wants me and our kids back in his world there in GA.Its like he is still taking baby steps to feel us all out.Still calling and texting me alot as well, but I am starting to wonder what he is doing more and more daily.I need validation that he is working on a plan to get us back or he needs to LET GO! I am seeing small red flags here and there and not answering the phone alot to take his calls I think.I asked him to come here and stay a week with us to see and he freaked out alittle like a whole week??? Yepp a major red flag!!
Ugh..getting frustrated here alot on this whole situation!He needs to fess up and tell me what it is he wants besides his answer of me and our girls happy!I told him he cant do this forever and he replied I know...still no answer clearly to me.I am trying not to keep wondering all this but it has overtaken alot of my free time.
My girlfriend even said when you two figure out what it is you are doing let me know.I have no idea anymore what it is I am trying to do or not.I am in limbo and feeling hot and cold alot towards my ex.Oneday I am happy to have him back in my life the next day I want to just move on and be done with closure! I know this will hurt me sooner or later and I am trying to just get him to come clean I think this weekend.I need answers before it causes me harm mentally.This isnt a good situation being in limbo!
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (8 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI value yes all of your wise advice here truly!! That yes, it is the years I spent with him with alot of great and not so great memories is pulling me back and forth.I dont truly think of the memories much as what he is doing now.I have forgiven the past and put all those demons to rest with therapy that I went through for months.I am setting alot of things in my journal as i have always done.Yes, putting the hurt memories and why I shouldnt be with him now down and I have looked at those alot.It helps..its who he is now that is making me confused and reaching for him.I know I do not need him and that helps keep me in check alot.Heck, I could be using him to fill the lonely void of companionship I am missing.I talked for a cpl hours with him tonite and I said that we cant keep doing this forever.He said yeah I know.I said sooner or later you have recieved a committment and yes we have gotten along better as we both have put the baggage of our marrige to rest.Or at least I have anyways.I know it wont kill me to have him back out of my life and I tell myself that daily.He really isnt given me anything that my friends cant already give me.So, I am treating him as a friend period.I do want clear answers and with him it comes in time always.I have a set goal in my head..if he wants us all back and is doing this to do that right this time then by Christmas he had better have told me his plans!So, I am giving him 4 mths to prove to me something or by Christmas I am moved on and happy to do so.Untill then just treating him guarded and I notice that if I bring up him and I as a "we" or try to talk about this situation he clams up.Yepp not a good sign I know and I am keeping that clear in my book.Being very careful not to get too attatched.But I did say you will never move on and if we cant then do something soon..like invision me with you daily.He remarks ..jokingly..it hurts to think.I have been down this road before with him.He starts slow and then bombards me with plans when I think we are just friendly.I know its a mess and I am just seeing what happens..obviously we both arent 100% moved on alot.I am not putting stock in this and am prepared for a fall out.Guarded!! :)But, I am liking who he is and I like talking to him alot now.Becoming to me like a best friend.Thanks for all your honesty and support and I will keep in touch and stay strong always! :)
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 To me his behavior sounds very much like he wants to control you. He made his choice to do what his parents told him to do, but now he doesn’t want to accept the choice he made, he can’t come to terms with it and he doesn’t want to let you go. Perhaps that is why he talks so much more to you now than before. It is his only way to remain some control over your life, to keep you bounded to him.
I understand it must be very hard for you to move on from this man. To have spent such a long part of your life with him means you must have many good memories as well that will pop up and mess with your feelings now and then. I’m afraid that you will never get any straight answers from him. What is he thinking? Has anything at all changed regarding his parents strong influence on him? What would he do if you told him you would want to marry him again? Would he then be able to stand up to his parents and stay with you?
It could very well be that he didn’t at all understand that it was you setting him up on the yahoo, and to laugh and say he knew all the time could just be a way for him to take control over the fact he was set up. If not he would have to admit that you were clever enough to find him out. Don’t do these games more with him. Don’t let him manipulate you with bringing up memories from past. Be strong and prove to yourself that you can do this. Try and place yourself outside all this. If necessary, write down on a paper what you want, for example that he must prove to you he will be able to make his own choices at least, or keep a picture or item or whatever reminds you. Then every time he tries to talk to you, just refuse to go into conversation with him about anything else than about your daughter and re-read the paper every time you feel weak and must be reminded. Tell him he can talk to his daughter as much as he (and she) wants, but that you have other things to do. Don’t let him waste more of your precious time. You are divorced, and the divorce was HIS choice, not his parents. Don’t let him hide behind his parents, he is a grown man. What you are doing now is none of his business and he doesn’t get the right to steal almost all your free time just because you have a daughter with him.
I think he doesn’t treat you with respect and I think he is a coward blaming his parents for a decision HE made. You are still young and your time is too valuable, don’t let this time-thief steal it from you.
I wish you all the best and hope I could insurge some extra power to you to get the strength to do what you feel is right.
Take good care and tell us how it goes.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (7 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yet another update of sorts here.Not alot has changed really..ugh..I did not have any contact with my ex on last sat. I refused all calls and blocked him on my yahoo messenger.Sunday he started calling alot and finally I answered and was straight to the point.I said I refuse to be his part time gal and I am better than that! That I refuse to let him ever hurt me and the girls again.He replied that I am the mother of his children and he would not hurt me because of that. This has frustrated me terribly! I pull away and he pulls me back bigtime.We have a webcam and our daughter wanted to see him on their phone call and I had to readd him to my messenger to let her see him.That was tough..he brought up our Christmas's together and I had to leave the room crying.I came clean about setting him up as I did on yahoo messenger to find out what he was doing.He laughed and said are you done playing games? UGH! It didnt bother him a bit and said I knew it was you as someone else so I said all that to play along and I hope you dont do it again as you are the only one I chat with online.He called me all morning yesterday and today and has been keeping contact.I am getting to the point thinking I cant stop him I will just treat him as a friend.Instead he is wanting me to be online with him tonite and cam with him.I am so confused as in the past if I said NO MORE he would go away. Now he is not going away and I feel like we arent divorced and that nothing is changing.He is still being super nice and talks alot and that freaks me out as he never did that ever when we were married.Its been 5 weeks of constant conatact and me seeing him 2 seperate times in those weeks.I have no idea if in fact he realizes that he made a mistake and is trying to make it right.He just wont stop and is telling me all sorts of things like noone will ever understand him and I and that its our call noones elses.The long 21 years I have known him makes me ok to talk to him.I miss the comfort value of that alot but not missing alot of him.He is so persisitant and I think maybe he is not giving up this time as he has in the past so easy.I am just taking it day to day and enjoying the nites of calmness when he isnt calling me or hitting me up online and so far I have only had 5 of those nites in 5 weeks.I almost feel sorry for him now.He has a long road indeed to ever get me back 100%. I dont know him that well anymore and I have to stay guarded as I cant truly count on him I feel.Although the longer he goes contacting me the more acceptive I am getting.Missing my family I once had terribly.He just isnt giving up and I am thinking could he be deadly serious on working on us again? Why after the divorce has it hit him?Yeah I think he doesnt want to lose me at all.Why? I will and may never get these answers from him.All the questions I ask myself daily.I had moved on and now I feel like I am "stuck".Missing our family pulls me back to him in a awful way.Like I will almost do anything now for him. I am fighting that alot.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 Good for you!
Now is the time to start healing and to lean heavily on your support system. You can finally see clearly how toxic your ex-husband has been in your family's life.
I think your girls will be grateful when they no longer have to visit their wretched, pathetic father and his poisonous family.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (4 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell last nite I have made up my mind and also found out online that my ex is just using me to hold too till he finds the "one" he called it.I thought something wasnt right and now I have my answers on this not good guy!That he has many issues and is not right in mind.Saying he has to have a sexual connection and bragged that he has had many 19 yr olds as friends with benefits.YUCK!Our oldest is 16 and that HORRIFIES me!He opened up to a friend of mine posing as someone he would like to know online.She said she did this for me to know he isnt right at all at what he is doing.Yepp I see that now!He said he never wanted a child and knows now he just wants to see her time to time and that noone will undestand him and I but he has sent boundries and that he is using me to fulfill him till the "one" comes along and that he is also using another woman in GA for the same thing..yuck yuck!He came clean on being alone at 35 and that scares him and he is anxious to jump in to a new relationship for good to settle.Yes remembering all the bad in our marriage and seeing this I deleted him from all my accts online and blocked him too.I am stoping all contact and only will contact him if needs be about our daughter.I am going to push myself to start dating as someone I have liked last nite called me and made me happy talking to me for 3 hrs.Plus he is LOCAL! :)I have known this person for many months meeting him through my job and I like him and for once in along time I feel like I am happy to start to see this person and we have alot in common and he isnt afraid to face my ex to tell him to move on!Wow, alot is changing and today I am smiling once again knowing I dont have to deal with a pitiful messed up ex! :) Thanks to all of you for great advice and a shoulder to lean on! :)
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Of course he's doing everything you dreamed of. His family thinks they've won since they succeeded in causing him to file for divorce from you. And he's just letting them think that because that way he thinks he's keeping everyone happy -- you're getting his attention now, and they broke you guys up. But what they don't know is that he's sneaking around behind their backs and they haven't a clue. Well it's wonderful that he's being so nice to you because I know you were feeling rejected by all of this and hurting deep inside. But it still doesn't answer where all of this is going to lead? Because it can't stay like this forever - you living in a state of "limbo" in Indiana, him in Georgia, and keeping you a big secret from his family. Of course he doesn't want to talk about the past because nothing has changed there. Enjoy this phase while you can but know that somewhere down the road, you're going to have to ask him when he's planning to tell his family that you're back together. If he dodges that discussion, or refuses to go there, maybe you can suggest that he get some therapy to figure out why we allows them to have so much control over his life and make decisions for him. He's a grown man, when is it ever going to end? When they've passed away? That could be 20 years from now. I wouldn't put my life on hold like that. But I know all this attention feels wonderful at the moment. So enjoy it. You deserve to be treated well. But I'd keep my options open at the same time. You may still meet a guy who knows his own mind and is not tied to his Mommy's apron strings. I wish you the best. xxxx
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (3 August 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell an update of sorts here on this situation.Alot is happening as far as my life thats good like my raise at work and possibly me getting a new car as my car is dying slowly.My ex has been very supportive and talking to me alot since his return to GA.I know he is trying to work things out with me slowly now.Telling me whatever we didnt do when we were married he wants to do now.Its like he is a diffrent guy this time and its stayed that way for over a month now.He brings up when he comes up here next and I am trying to understand all this but its hard. I dont fully trust him yet although I am working on it.We call eachother or talk online and now have a webcam for both of us to be able to see eachother when ever online.He said we have a long road ahead of us and now I feel like I am on that road.We dont bring up the past and seems like we are creating a good relationship now or trying too.I used to dream of the day when he would make things right..now I am scarred and just taking this day to day.When I think I wont hear from him ..he calls or hits me up online.Yeah I am numb in alot of ways and cant forget or forgive what he has done yet.Liking my new life alot with no drama.Struggling with sharing all of my life with him once again and confused on why now after the divorce he is wanting to work things out.I try to treat him just like everyone else and to be able to be friends with him.He will say "we" all the time as I say "I" alot.I am not used to seeing him in the picture!He will just get quiet when I say "I" alot and then act like it didnt happen and go back to "we".I never saw this comming and I am numb but wanting to see what happens.I guess I am confused to say the least.For him wanting to reconcile with us living in 2 different states is hard and scary.Afraid of getting close to him and afraid he will change his mind.As we have done this but not exactly this a few times in 2 years.He has been off and on in my life but now its like alot has changed and he is everything I wanted him to be now.Hard not to fall for him all over again! I love all the support you all have given and I will continue to update weekly when I can! :)
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (30 July 2007):
I'm with Sugarbuns - It's time for you to define the boundaries of your relationship with your ex-husband and tell him explicitly. He behaves as if he is cheating on his mother with you. A sick thought, but if the shoe fits...
That your 6-year old is happy to be home with you is reassuring, but that she would say that she is glad her father is gone is VERY telling. Don't dismiss this as "she can't understand this all". She understands all too well and better than any of the adults in this sorry mess. She wonders why you let this embarrassment of a man take her to a place where unhappy people are telling her that her mother is a bad person. Believe me, it's happening, and your little girl is hurt and angry because her wimp of a father will not defend you, her mommy, in front these mean-spirited people.
For your own sake and the sakes of your daughters do not let this part-time father and full-time coward stay at your place any more. He can rest up at a motel and pick up your kids the next day. You need to heal, and he needs to respect that!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (30 July 2007):
Yes, I think he gave in to the pressure his family put on him, and went through with the divorce, but it sounds like he still has feelings for you. How sad that he let them manipulate him like that. I don't understand why he's not man enough to stand up to them rather than letting them push him around and dictate his life for him. The move to GA was a big mistake. It put his family in close proximity and thus they had more power over him. Now that the divorce is final, he suddenly wants to be affectionate and loving when he comes to see you IN (away from their watchful eyes) but he has to sneak around so they don't know about it? This man desperately needs to grow some "gonaids" (if you know what I mean) and grow up! I know this is hard for you emotionally, the see-saw thing always is, but now that you are divorced, consider it to be a new chapter and try to move on. Yes, he will still be involved in your life because of the kids, that's unavoidable, but you don't have to let him spend the night and sleep with you because you're the one suffering when it's time for him to go back home to his "Mommy". My advise is to start dating again, develop a social life so you're not so vulnerable and waiting for every phone call from him. And don't be too available to him personally (I don't mean to withhold vistation for the kids) but you don't have to be so accomodating when he wants to talk to you about what he misses about being married. Once the subject strays from the kids to you guys personally, change the subject. Or tell him you've met someone else, and hopefully that'll stop the game playing. If he's going to let his family run his life, then so be it. He's a foolish, foolish man in my opinion but there's nothing you can do to change that situation. If he doesn't have a mind of his own at this age, he never will. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (30 July 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts been 2 days and my ex is now on his way back to GA. He just left this morning. He and i let our youngest sleep in some as she didnt see him leave to upset her.She is fine and excited to be back home ..saying that she is glad he is gone.That upsets me some but I do understand a 6 yr old cant understand this all.He acted fine and was constantly whispering things in my ear.Bought me a new outfit and took 25 pics of me last nite.Bought us a webcam so that our daughter can see him as she talks to him on his phone calls 3 times a week.Also, he added that its for him and I to "keep a connection".He did buy me what I needed and was affectionate alot.It was very hard this morning to see him go and some tears fell on my end.He is saying he will be flying our daughter down to GA from here this winter.So, I will not be having any more overnight visits from him here the rest of this year.I am confused alot on him anymore and all I can do now is keep pushing ahead here now.I dont know if he will maintain any conatct with me and usually he will not after he brings her home and he leaves.All I can do is wait and see.The more he comes in and out of my life the more hurt in ways I feel and its causing bitterness alot.I will never understand why he cant just stand up to his family!! His mother called him alot asking him all sorts of questions..he would tell me to be quiet as she didnt know he was with me all weekend.UGH!I told him he has to stand up to her and I will never understand her control over him!!
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (29 July 2007):
Well, based on your follow-up, your ex-husband hasn't cut the apron strings and does not have a clue. Too bad for him.
It is the height of immaturity when he blames his woes on everyone else but himself. It sure sounds like he ran from the arms of his mother into the arms of his wife, but in the end preferred to suckle on the maternal teat. I feel nothing but contempt for these kinds of guys.
It is now your job to raise your children so that they can stand on their own, use their inner voice to guide them through life, and understand that all choices have consequences for which they and they alone are responsible. I hope their happiness will lead to your happiness. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, tobme +, writes (28 July 2007):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have told him I miss OUR family and yeah he took his side and said "its too late for us" after our divorce date.
Now he is at the moment on his long trip up here (11 hour trip)to bring our daughter back home and he is staying at my house for the 2 days he is here.Although I do still love him and will never understand why he did what he did I am hopeful for me and our daughters future with or without him period.I miss alot of how him and I once were for so many years and dearly missing our family we had once.This has been so hard on the girls and I am the one that holds them up and always will.
Last nite we were aguring about his visitations with our daughter and I said I would never keep him from her.He seems to be upset and blaming so many for all this but himself and his acts on what he has done.He is wanting me to keep him in my life and give him a "list" of what the girls will need monthly.He was telling me to start including him back in my life as he doesnt like not knowing what is going on at all. I have mixed feelings on that as when I have agreed in the past to do that he has rejected my calls or started a fight to push me away again.This converstaion truly upsetted me and I said I did still love him and always probably will and no matter what he will have me on his side, but he has many obstacles to do with his life.Yes, to get boundaries set for his family there.They are truly dysfunctional and never wanted us married and told him to get fixed after our daughter was born and he did.
I have no idea what will happen all I can do is live and have peace as often as I can and not look to hard at the future but take 1 day at a time.For some reason he is not letting us go and I am having a hard time letting go all the time but push on always.So my thoughts are to wait and see and if it is meant to be it will be..
Thanks to you all for the great advice and I appreciate any and all support as you all can count on me as well1 :)
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (27 July 2007):
You're a very strong person to have come through such an ugly disappointment like this.
Well, are the kids better off without their father? Are you able to provide a loving and stable environment now that your corrosive in-laws are out of the picture?
All other things being equal, it's your kids that matter the most when making future decisions. They are your family, and if your ex-husband could man up then he would see who his REAL family is. Your ex-husband's actions must prove that he can set boundaries and put his REAL family ahead of his corrosive relatives; only then should you consider letting him back into the fold.
I admire your resolve. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (27 July 2007):
I'm afraid I can't tell any good advice on this, but I still felt I had to write something to you, I felt touched by your situation. I must ask how come his parents can have such power over your life, over your marriage. Is there some specific reason for this? What are their powers that make their influence on him and your marriage so strong? Can you talk about that with him? He is a grown man, can you see any possibility that he could ever be strong enough in the future to stand independent towards his parents? If not, maybe you are actually better off without being married to him. He has the right to see his daughters of course, and should pay allowance, but other than that you can now, as you are divorced, decide all for yourself how your relation to him will look like. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel good to you. Even though it is a very kind thought of you to wanting to help him to move on, I don't think that is possible. He must learn on his own how to best live his life. And if he wants a happy marriage with you, he should scramble some courage and stand up for you and his life choices, right?
Oops, there were some advices after all. I hope you will be ok and feel happier soon.
Take care!
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Why have you not told him that you miss your marriage and your family?, is it because you are hurting that he sided with his family over you?.
Do you still love him, if you do you need to tell him how you are feeling and see if there is any chance that you could maybe try again, he has realised the mistake that he has made, so there is obviously something still there for him.
It's your call babe, you need to try and work out what you want, whether or not you still want him.
Take care.xx.
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