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female
age
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anonymous
writes:well I am back on here. I told you last week about my man and me. He is 69 years old and I am 65 years old and we have been dating 3 years and 10 months. His kids have never liked the idea of us dating. They want him 24/7 to meet their needs. Well we had a fight week before last and he has never learned to keep his mouth shut. He went up to the daughter's house and told her and their family that he had broken up with me. Well, I overheard a phone conversation and learned just what I thought... they were behind the breakup. His son is not as bad about us but his daughter's attitude stinks. I told him that I have too much time in this relationship and that I was going to do everything that I could to stay together. His daughter called 3 and 4 times a day to see if I was still at his house. Last Tuesday she called and he told her that I was still here and she told him to have a good life and hung up on him. It will be a week tomorrow since he has talked to her and before they usually talked every day. How should I handle this? I guess he was going to get rid of me since I am disposable and they are not. I have not been allowed to see them or do anything with them for the last year. They are very stubborn. Yhis man took care of his sick wife for 31 years and his kids just think that since she passed away that his life should now only involve them. Please tell me what to do and your opinion. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Hello, sorry for your situation.
Why is love so hard? Why should other people stick their noses in some thing they shouldn't?
His "children" sould like very selfish and inmature people, they probably behave that way because of what happended to their mother, thay probably don't think his father deserves a life of his own.
Why are you with him? What are the things you like about him?
It seems as if he won't stand up for you or for himself either.
Once I heard that women marry men hoping they'll change, and men marry women, hoping thay don't change and they both get dissapointed. If you put "more commitment" in your relationship hoping things will improve in time, you'll be dissapointed and he'll too for you´ll end up feeling bitter about the sittaution and the constant fighting and being put down by his famnily.
Problems with the family of the partner are one mayor cause for divorce, things usually take years until they get to a boiling point and everything blows up. You say you've already put more that 3 years into the relationship and that's what's making you put with all of this. Can you go on like this for another 10 years?
It sounds to me like he's very attached to his family and they control him. I mean, he already tol her sister he had broken up with you just tp please her, and what about you, don't you have feelings too?. You should sit down and have a good conversation. Talk about what you like about each other and why you are toghether, about what you both want for yourselves and what you expect of the relationship. It sounds like you are ready and willing to be in a commited adult relationship, but is he? is that what he wants?
It sounds like his "children" want him all for themselves and won't allow him having a couple (you or anyone else), so he needs to decide if he does expect to have a partner, because if that's the case, he'll stand up forhimself.
Otherwise, he should stop fooling around and making you both waste more time.
I know that standing up to their children might sound scary for him, he probably feels guilty about moving on with his life while his late wife is not around to do it with hers anymore, and his "children"are exploiting that guilt, but unless he stand up for himself nothing will change, and all of you (children, he and you)will be unhappy.
It's something like removing a band aid from a hairy arm, if you do it slowly it will hurt much more, for a longer time and you might even end up prefering to leave the band aid right there because it hurts so much to remove it. You need to decide you want to take it off and make one strong and decided pull, you migh lose some hairs, but they'll grow back again.
It's similar to when I was young. I was dating a guy and my parents didn't want me to, they didn't like me going out with anyone and they were always nagging about me taking more that one hour out. I loved him, I loved my parents, but I couldn't stand that situation anymore, so I started looking for appartments and once that I had one that I liked and could afford and was ready to move out, luckily this man convinced me to talk to my parents honestly before going away, and I did I was decided of what I wanted (seeing this guy and being able to go out) and I talked to them, told them how I felt, what I wanted, I listened to what they felt, and I also told them that if we couldn't live toghther under those conditions I had already found a nice place I could afford in a neighbourhood I liked and I would move out there.
End of the story, I stayed in my house, I continued seeing the guy, I was able to go out at night and my relationship with my parents became a healthier and more open and honest one and I even started loving them, it's not been easy, but we now see each other as persons with dreams, wants,interests who make their own decisions and even make their own mistakes and not just "my mom", "my dad", "my daughter". We are all people, it's all about respecting and not owning each other.
I wish you the best, and hope things work out in this matter. I think both of you need to be strong and stand for what you want (youi to him, him to his children), it might be hard at first, but it's the only way things will work out for you.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (6 October 2008):
 I am so sorry you are having to deal with this - it is a shame. One of my friends dads got with a woman whom she did not like. But, her dad ended up telling her that he liked this woman and asked her to try and appreciate that and be happy for him that he has found someone to spend his time with - and she (my friend finally came around) - has your boyfriend tried talking to his children this way?
Is there any way you can call his daughter and say, "Please don't hang up. I just want to tell you that I realize you and the rest of your Daddy's kids do not like me, but I love your father and I really wish that we could try to get along. I have nothing against ya'll. I know that I am not your mother, but please give me a chance to be a part of your lives, please."
You need to tell your boyfriend that you will do anything in your power to get his kids to like you for this is important to you and you don't want to lose him. Buy them a gift the next time thier bithday rolls around and maybe one for Christmas too.
I am not old enough to have to worry about my boyfriends kids, but when I first got with him, his mother wasn't too fond of me, because she knows some of my male cousins & she doesn't like them & thought that I must be like them. After visiting her several times & reassuring her that I am nothing like my cousins, I would help her clean the kitchen & once I even offered to go shopping with her & helped her decorate her house for a party as well as buying her a mothers day present... I think she likes me alright now...
SO I think you just need to nudge your way into their lives, do things for them if you can, offer your support, and give them gifts on holidays that gifts are appropriate and be extra nice - hopefully this will help.
Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (6 October 2008):
 This has to be so hard on you.
I'm sorry you have to put up with the fact that this man can't grasp his balls and make a stand. He is a grown man that should put the "children" in their place. Which is not in between the two of you. This is so unfortunate for you though. I mean if he will let this happen now, when you don't live together yet and when you're not married, it will keep happening. He's letting them cause stress and HE is the only one that can stop it. It's been a long while that you have put up with this and it's going to stress you guys to no end unless he puts his foot down NOW.
If he's merely grown tired of the chaos because of the children, it's because he let himself do so. It's hard for you because you are an outsider to the children and unless the father makes them wake up, you're the one that has to suffer.
What are his plans for you guys now? I know you two were going to move in together, right?
Michelle
PS - I'm so sorry sweetie
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