A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 45 and recently married for the second time. My husband is a very friendly person but seems unable to draw the line at what is friendly and what is unacceptable behaviour. He has a lot of female friends and ex girlfriends and even though we are now married they still ring him in the evenings and want to talk to him about their shared past or ask for his help and advice. Before we married we lived in separate homes and I did not realise the extent of the calls. I have explained to him very calmly that I don't think to continue with these calls is acceptable and he pointed out to me that I am insecure and controlling and that if I didn't like it he would just continue with them when he was in the car or elsewhere when he was on his own. I don't behave like that at all with other men and feel unhappy generally about it. He tries to get me to meet these women but I don't really want to as I don't want to be friends with them or particularly have them in my life. I think their behaviour is so wrong and so over what is the right way to behave that i don't want anything to do with them. I would never call another woman's husband at night. I have met two of them who constantly discussed what it had been like when they were an item and I really don't want to be put in that kind of position again, Husband thinks it is ridiculous and I should be strong and get on with it but that just isn't me.What would you do/ how would you deal with this?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Stand your ground. I think most of us feel the same way you do. There are very very few rare individuals that can deal with exes and everything is honky dory. Believe me most of them have hidden agendas and will mess with your head if given the chance. I find your husband's behavior appalling! If you truly had "nothing to worry about" he'd cut the ties with his exes and focus on his present relationship with you. I'm sorry but I think it smells very fishy and you have every right to upset. Leave if you must, perhaps that is the only way you will get his attention. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Wishing you all the best in whatever you do. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Miamine,
I am grateful for your insight and the trouble you have taken to post such comprehensive replies. I can see where you are coming from but I cannot feel that way or have such generosity of spirit. it is just not within me. Your post has helped me to see that we are all different and there is no right or wronmg and even if people would consider my view as selfish it is still my view and that there is nothing wrong with it. I cannot welcome exes into my home or could ever manage to be friends with one of my husband;s exes but I am phenomenally impressed by your fortitude and ability and your family's ability to do so. many many thanks
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 November 2011):
My story.. I have two ex's. Both promised to be life-long friends. One left, and his new woman thought like you did. She hated the fact that he still wanted to see me and contact me. She didn't think that ex's should be friends. The other ex, his new woman was different. She knew all about me. We've become great friends. We met before they started dating and he was living with me (friendship only) I've been to the house, she sends me food (she's a great cook), she's met my parents, my mother adores her and calls her daughter. Her boyfriend (my ex) comes to visit me every week, she knows, she even tells him to come. She phones me on my birthday.The first ex... sigh.. he ignored his girlfriends wishes. He said stuff about no woman would ever be allowed to tell him what friends to have. But then I got fed up of the drama and told him to go away. It wasn't fair on her, if that's how she felt, I as a good friend should stop seeing him, so he could give their relationship a chance, and hopefully make her less insecure. That lasted only a couple of months, and then he contacted me again. He had moved out of her house, broke up with her, then he got his own house... When I saw him last week, he dropped big hints that he wasn't seeing her. She's been deleted off his facebook.. He's never ever tried to delete me.My family is full of ex-partners, ex-husbands, ex-wives. It's normal in my family for ex people to be around. My cousins ex had a baby for a new man, same time as his new woman had her second baby. The whole of my family were celebrating the birth of both children, even though one of the children is no relation to us. Today I'm going to dinner at my mums. My dad will probably come to visit. (They've been divorced for 30years - he visits her every fortnight, he never visits me and I live 10minutes away) Her good friend will be there, a gay guy, and so will his ex boyfriend. When they split up, my mum's guy friend was so hurt and upset. (big age gap) But he was determined to act decently and create a good friendship. He's been to visit him in Brazil, 3 times, just as friends. He's met the new boyfriend. We haven't, so we assume the guy isn't a friendship kind of chap.Nobody is wrong, people are just different.. Until my ex's girlfriend, and the people at DC, I just assumed that everybody lived like me. I do notice, you say you trust your boyfriend doesn't fancy them, but you are worried about what the women are thinking. mmmm... So your going to give them your man, and go away. They don't have to do anything, they just have to stay in his life, and you will walk away.Interesting.. but no point in staying if your upset. Like I'm trying to explain, he may not have been brought up to throw away his friends. Women can't steal your man, men will be unfaithful if they are unhappy. If he's gonna cheat, it won't be with them, he's had them already. He'll cheat with someone new that you have never met. They also don't marry one woman, to dream about being with some woman from the past. It's perfectly possible for men and women to be friends, even if they have had a sexual relationship. Think carefully before you make any sudden decisions, but your health must come first. Sometimes people with different views and values, just can't make a relationship work, even though the love is strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think there is any particular ill intention on his behalf either but I don't trust the motives of the exes. Part of me also feels that subconsciously he is using them as a fall back incase things don't last with me. I have explained until I am blue in the face that I don't like it - I keep no contact with exes otherwise they wouldn't be exes would they, but my husband just laughs and says I have nothing to worry about and he isn't going to stop. It is making me very unhappy and I feel I will have to move out as I can't live like this. Everytime his phone goes I now jump and it is making me paranoid and ill.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (20 November 2011):
Well it's unfortunate you didn't realize all this was going on before you married this guy. Your husband likes the attention, bottom line. These women are also his safety net. He's used them for years to boost his ego and share his bed when no one else was there and apparently he doesn't have enough faith in his marriage with you to think it's time to draw the line. He's still behaving like a single man. I had this same problem with my husband, but luckily I moved in with him for 4 years before I said "I do" and believe me that was the best thing I could have ever done. Because I realized how much his exes were contacting him and I had plenty of time to help him see the light, otherwise there'd be no marriage. Lucky for me, he loved and respected me enough to obey my wishes but it wasn't easy and we had plenty of arguments over it until he finally realized I wasn't crazy. (Come to find out some of his other friends had to finally tell him it wasn't cool before he'd listen). I literally had to "clean house" before we got married. After he agreed to stop being available to these women, a few of them still didn't get the hint. But I kept a vigilent eye on things and when I'd see a text come on his phone, I'd delete it when he wasn't around. When voicemails got left. Those also got deleted. Eventually they stopped calling because he stopped returning their messages and phone calls. And because we lived together, there was no hiding things from me either. I sifted through the mail before he did and confiscated anything from another woman. Good grief it was a lot of work, but if finally paid off. You are just going to have to keep talking to him until he listens. Since the two of you lived separately, he has continued to act "single" and hasn't yet learned how inappropriate his behavior is to the rest of the world. Maybe some of his male friends can talk some sense into him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): Its a weird bunch of ex's. Is it called the ex club? Sounds unreal to me. I dont think ultimatums are a good thing,but as he doesnt care less what you think, what else is there you can do? I dont think there is any ill intention on his part,but the ex's, hmmm, i just dont get what they are playing at. I too assume theres no kids to them.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 November 2011):
Sigh.. you two should have discussed this before marriage. You don't like ex-partners and think they should stay in the past. He believes that ex-partners cam be friends and friends should be kept for life. It's not that he's disrespectful, it's that you have been brought up differently. I'm like your husband, I don't like to dump people who I once liked. That's how I got brought up.This is a major problem. It's going to be very hard to resolve. You don't want to meet his friends, you can't accept them and you won't ever to be able to feel comfortable about the situation. Such differences will always cause arguments and can possibly lead to divorce. Even if he dumps these women, he will resent you, and hold it against you for as long as you stay together.What would I do? - I'm like your husband, so I would love to meet them and make them friends. If I was like you, then I definitely wouldn't fight about it. It makes you look insecure and controlling, to this man with different views. I would try to find some type of compromise that I could live with. Or really and truly I might walk away, because it's hard to be with someone so different to me.You two need to go to marriage counselling. A third person who is neutral can help you to work out some compromise. You can ask for no more talks about the past, it's rude and you get left out. The night time calls are more difficult, you can ask him to stop that, but it's probably because the women have troubles like you say, or need his advice. You say you wouldn't call a man late at night, but he's not just a man, he's a very dear friend. Do you refuse to take any calls at night, but what if your best friend had troubles, or your sister wanted to talk. Aren't friends allowed to call when it's dark? Haven't you ever called a friend when you had problems? Wouldn't it hurt if your friend said, "I'm not allowed to speak with you, because my partner says it's too late now."Unfortunately for you, he can't just drop his friends. But he can certain put some distance between. As I said, your best bet is to go to a counselor and work out a way to sort this out, so you both feel like winners. Otherwise, he's not lying. If he doesn't feel he can keep his friends, he will continue to contact them in secret. These are not women he wants to be romantic with, he could have stayed with them if he wanted. He married you because he loved you, but love (for him) doesn't mean that other people are no longer important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I answer assuming there are no children with these women. I too feel confused and question the ex's motives. I think he is blind to something. I will still talk to ex's if i bumped into one,but i dont go out of my way to,or phone to talk about old times. Its as if they wish they were still with him.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (19 November 2011):
Its too much. I could understand if there was children or some real reason to call or visit,but talking about when they were an item sounds weird at the stage of life he`s in now. He and the ex`s have no respect for your feelings. I find this hard to understand and strange of the ex`s not to realise their limits. I do wonder how he would like you and your ex`s talking about the old times? Would he want to meet them? This isnt about your insecurity,its a strange carry on. I am not saying end the marriage,but if he doesnt stop its going to end up that way.
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