A
female
age
41-50,
*rsYoshi
writes:I need help to figure out what to do about my fiance having an emotional affair. We have been together for 3yrs and have a daughter. I found out that he had been talking to another girl and that they had sent naked pix to each others phones. He promised that he would never speak to her again and as far as i know, he hasnt. But after digging around a little i found out that durring the first year and a half of our realationship he had been talking to a girl in Canada that he knew from when she lived in the States. I read messages from them to each other saying that they loved each other. When i confronted him about it he said that i shouldnt be mad because it was in the past and that if he had wanted to be with her that he would have went to Canada, but instead he stayed with me. His excuse for having these "emotional affairs" is that it just felt good for someone to "want him" and to be able to talk to someone about things he couldnt talk to me about. But he doesnt consider it cheating because he never slept with them, but swore he would never do it again. Im so confused about what to do. I feel so hurt and betrayed. If he had slept with anyone else I would have already left him, but because he didnt, I dont know what to do.
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affair, fiance, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 how convenient that your boyfriend doesnt consider naked emails dirty texts etc as cheating.oh well guess its ok for you to do this too.ask him head on how hed feel if you were sending naked pics of yourself to a man.is he really that thick skinned or maybe hes just plain stupid?surely he doesnt believe that you shouldnt be very bothered and hurt by all of this?its enough to make even the strongest married couple head for a divorce court.no honey something is serious lacking from him tact,loyalty and honesty to name a few.his excuse about the girl in canada translates to 'i could of run off with that girl but arent you lucky i stayed with you'.he sounds like he has one hell of an ego and needs constant reassurance from fresh sources to give him this.honey one word for the thoughts you have on marrying this guy 'DONT'.if you want to try with him id suggest counselling and let him do most of the explaining.good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): Ever heard the saying " you want the cake and eat it too " well, why can't he talk to you about anything ? this is not healty. You two aren't married yet and if there is problems now, it's only going to get worse later down the road.He needs to stop. Why can't he feel wanted by you alone, why isn't it sufficient ? to be wanted by you the love of his life ? This guy needs to be watched closely and I won't rush a wedding if I were you. I feel for you sweetie, good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): I agree that if you are engaged to be married you really need to get to the bottom of this issue before marriage, or you will drag this unresolved resentment and mistrust into your marriage, and you don't want to do that.
This is really about him and not about you. He has issues, but you may need to communicate better with each other so that he will feel more wanted.....my guess is that he resents being saddled with a child and a fiance, you got pregnant out of wedlock and he is commited to you both, but he may feel it was not his "choice", that is just a guess as I don't know the whole story, but it would make sense to me. He is acting out by behaving in a lude manner with women he can't really get together with, so there is a little check and balance there for him, but I think he is full of resentment, and he needs to work that out.....Hope you get some counseling soon, good luck.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (14 April 2007):
 Sounds like he has an underlying issue. He is greedy. If he cant be happy with just the one person, you need think seriously about your future.
He and only he can change the way he is, by talking to you or by going to counselling. As along as you feel comfortable you are giving him the love and attention the relationship deserves then you have nothing to feel bad about.
This is about him and his inablility to be happy with the person he is supposed to love.
x
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A
female
reader, MrsYoshi +, writes (14 April 2007):
MrsYoshi is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is a reply to the person who said that his chats were just friendly. I thank you for your advice but the fact is that his chats were much more than friendly. With the girl from a couple years ago, they were sending dirty email to each other and saying "I love you". With the recent female, I found naked pix they had sent to each others phones.
I totally feel what your saying about me trying to make him feel wanted, but the thing is that i was. I always tried to make him feel good about himself by flirting and sending random text messages to him letting him know how much I loved him and how sexy he is to me. The thing is that he just didnt notice. I think his problem was that he knew I "wanted" him, he just wanted to feel like other women did too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): It sounds like you would both really benefit from having counselling together so that you can better understand each other. Have you considered that?
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (14 April 2007):
There is something in the relationship which maybe he feels he isnt getting. But what he has been doing is WRONG. What kind of trust can you hope to have with someone like that?
If he isnt happy with the way the relationship is he should tell you rather than go elsewhere for his "companionship". Its up to him to realise that your engaged to be married what does that mean to him?
Whether or not he is sleeping around is not the point. he is with you, you should be his companion.
He cant treat you like this, its unfair. If he cant stop these "emotional affairs" with your help or professional help then you need to get out before you get married and he hurts you then.
x
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A
female
reader, beautifulllove +, writes (14 April 2007):
 If you read this leave him thats what i did with my ex YOU dont deserve that at all my ex told me it was the past leave it alone then he left me saying nothing last forever so get out and find you some one that has respect for you you deserve it and trust me you will
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): I think what's great about your boyfriend is that he's told you what the problem that led him to "emotionally cheat" is. He wants someone to want him and to talk to.... translation he doesn't feel you want him. Therefore maybe if you try to show him how much you want him and encourage him to talk to you you might get through to him a little more. I'm sure you feel very hurt and betrayed but the fact is that his chats with this girl after he met you were just friend chats really.
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