A
female
age
51-59,
*orculan queen
writes:His ex won't leave us alone - Harassing phone calls etc to my home and work.Update- I received a further nuisance call tonight from my boyfriend's ex wife. I rang my boyfriend to tell him and he also had a hang up call 5 seconds before I called him. We know it is his ex as she has had the kids for a week and tonight he has them so obviously she is checking to see where I am and where he is. I am having all calls traced and have the police involved. For any one in this situation all I can suggest is to keep a diary of events and notify your telephone company or the police. I don't know what she wants cause she never speaks she just sits on the phone and listens to my voice. Sometimes she hangs on the phone for a minute just listening to me. It is really bizzare and really quite frustrating as my landline and mobile are silent so she has taken some effort in gaining it so why then say nothing? She was warned in family court that if her behaviour continues she will lose the kids so maybe this is why she says nothing but what point is she trying to make? She left her husband for her affair and is still with this fling engaged to be married to him but she won't let me be with her ex husband. She moved long ago so why won't she leave us alone? Rcn has been most helpful to me so if you are out there can you reply. Thanks.Ps My four children are at home when she makes these calls and it is affecting them greatly.
View related questions:
affair, engaged, ex-wife, her ex, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): I am so glad that i am not the only one being harassed by my fiance's ex girlfriend
she has rang saying she is pregnant .
claimed she was dying of cancer (HOW SICK?!?!?)
said she cant walk anymore ( YET I SAW HER WALKING AROUND FINE!)
she even said her dad (who died when she was younger) rapes her !!! she thinks she can get him back by saying all this sick stuff IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, elsie  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 hi,There i once had a few nuisance calls from my b/fs ex. I sat there racking my brains and i never used to speak. I don't believe in giving them the satisfaction that its getting to you.Anyone else who rings will say hello first anyway.i plucked up the courage one day to leave the phone on the sideboard when she,d call. I would silently creep back and delight in hearing her trying to disconnect the call and she couldnt because obviously she was unable to get an outside line from her phone? So, you disrupt things for her as well too. Also by leaving your phone off the hook i believe this will cost her. Sometimes(although you have to tell you partner and anyone else in the house)i would leave the ex to hear us getting on with our day to day life. I'd whistle cook,hoover etc; she got fed up after 1 week. Might not work in all cases but it did for me. Good luck whatever you do.
...............................
A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (15 February 2008):
korculan queen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have received another two nuisance calls and my boyfriend strongly suspects that it is his ex wife or her new partner calling me. I have the police involved and my telephone company has successfully traced these two calls so now just have to wait for one more call and then the warning letter goes out and the police can caution this person. Due to the privacy act the telephone company won't tell me who the person is but I have two really good policeman who will follow up. It seems to always happen just after changeover of my boyfriend's children as if she is checking to see if I am home and not with my boyfriend. Anyway, I am fine I have systems in place to protect me and she will get caught and this will help my boyfriend in family court to have his children full time as she has been warned in court to stop her harrassment of my boyfriend and myself so I will keep you all posted. Thankyou all who replied to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): It seems like she doesn't want her ex husband but at the same time doesn't want any one else to have him either! She also sounds like a very unstable person who maybe shouldn't be left with the kids at all. I'm glad that the kids like you and that you feel like you can participate in games with them - thats always half the battle in cases like this. You have to be able to communicate with them on their level and make sure they are ok too. They are the most important people here as there world has been torn in two. My boyf has a 9 yo son with his ex and even tho I don't see him that often we get on pretty well, play football, he shows me his quad bike, brings me on a tour of the farm and shows me all the new aniamls etc and he feels so grown up doing this. I don't know if his mum knows about me or not, he never says anything about her or her life and I don't question him either.He'll tell me if he wants to.Best of luck with everything and hope it all works out ok for you x
...............................
A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (9 February 2008):
korculan queen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou rcn for the advice. Her new partner is a very unsavoury character. He has broken up three marriages now and he has children but is not allowed to see them unless he is in a room fully supervised. So his unsavoury behaviour towards my boyfriend's children is also a worry. I am not sure if he knows the full extent of her obsession with her ex husband but he is definitely feeding her behaviour and they follow my boyfriend when he is at the park with his boys and pull up to 'talk ' to the boys and then take notes as driving off. She questions the boys constantly about me when they are with her and his boys really like me which just fuels her fire more and when they came back from her they kept saying to me that I was ugly. Obviously they were told that because their actions towards me are very different to these words as they are always around me when they are with their dad and always wanting me to share their pirate adventure games! I felt rather silly with sword in hand in the backyard looking for pirate treasure but at the same time I loved it because it is so much fun to enter a child's world of adventure and freedom. (got strange looks from cars passing though)So yes I am growing more concerned with her behaviour every day.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 This behavior really does affect children from two sides, directly, and indirectly. Directly is the instant emotion which comes from seeing the reaction of the person who answers the phone. Indirectly, we've heard the term "transferance" That's where the emotions and fear of one can leterally tansfer to another person who doesn't have direct involvement. A child's unhappiness doesn't always come from being "mean" to the child. If parents are stressed, can't work together, or separated and can't work together, their frustrations, and stress transfer upon the child.
You're doing what is right. The court as well did what they needed too, by giving her that warning. But with it not changing her behaviors, that's not good. She needs "duh" tatooed on her forehead so she's always reminded of how her behavior can have a negative impact.
This current boyfriend, what is he doing about it? Does he know his fiance has this obsessive behavior toward her ex husband? I know I'd think twice about saying "I do" to anyone who's behavior is inappropriate.
What I would do is keep your notes. Once you receive the information from the phone company and police, file a modification of custody order, and if her behavior is stated in the court papers with the warning, file for contempt (failure to adhere to the court order). She needs to stop having a negative impact on these children. They deserve better than how they're being treated, and I hope the court can find it in their jurisdiction to assure that happens.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Keep a log of the calls. In the UK they are logged with the telephone provider as nuisance calls and can be traced. I think if things persist you have every right to contact the police. Perhaps when you next get a silent call just calmly say "I know who this is and if it happens again I am going to be contacting the police." If it does - then definitely call them. I have read about getting a whistle and keeping it by the phone - if the person rings and just stays silent blast the whistle down the phone - that should act as a painful deterrent?! These are all short term fixes - the real problem is that she is possibly mentally unstable and this needs to be dealt with by someone else. Is her fiance aware of what she is doing? Could you speak to him one day if she is out? Final resorts tend to be injunctions whereby if a person is harassing or being abusive they can be banned from making contact etc. Changing numbers is another option - but may cost you money.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Change your numbers, make them ex directory and don't give them to any one that you think will give them to her. Leave her do all these silly games and you by not retaliating back is making her more angrier and she will fall foul of her own mischief soon enough. I kno its a terrrible thing to be going thro but I've had to endure it also for a few months but I have got thro it and for the better! If she thinks she is getting the better of you the worse it will get. She will soon get bored of all this when she see's its not doing any good! The person who was doing this to me starting to threaten my family and friends and eventually the police had to caution her which finally broke her and the calls soon stopped
...............................
A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (8 February 2008):
korculan queen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou mystify for the reply. I have thought of ringing her but when she made an earlier call to me and spoke to me claiming to be my boyfriend's lawyer for family court I refused to give her any information over the phone as she had asked me to do a character reference over the phone of my boyfriend. She then asked me if I knew him. I became suss as I know who his lawyer is so when I asked her what law firm she was from she hung up then rang my work and spoke to my boss and said I was making harassing abusive phone calls to her at her work, which I have never done then she got a mutual friend to ring my boyfriend at work ie he is a policeman and make a complaint that I rang her and abused her at work. Then all in the same day she rang the police station and requested he ring her urgently and then she stated also that I rang her and abused her. So you see if I rang her she would have ammunition against me. She has already posed as a lawyer, rung my work and made a complaint,got a mutual friend of theirs female to ring my boyfriend and make a complaint and then she made a complaint. The thing is she works in a prison as a counseller to the inmates giving them an early pass from jail and my ex is a correctional officer at the same jail and her new partner is a correctional officer at the same jail. So you see this is how she has gotten my silent numbers. My boyfriend doesn't seem to want to do anything about her calls to him but he has encouraged me to complain about her ringing me. He is totally over her as she has made his life a misery but I don't know why he won't do anything about her calls to him. He just shrugs it off as childish.The police officer handling the investigation has suggested he will get in touch with the domestic violence police liason officer and get a domestic violence order out against her with me as a listed associate to protect us both.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Hi there.
I really feel bad for you, and this situation must be driving you up the wall.
Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your feelings?
You and your boyfriend have to unite, and speak up 'together' about this situation.
She needs to understand that she is overstepping the boundaries, and that you will take steps to make her stop.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend, discuss this issue, and come up with a way that you will confront this situation.
I'd say, give her a call, and tell her that you know what she's up to. Assure her that she has nothing to be worried about regarding the kids, BUT, that she is out of line, and that she needs to stop. Tell her that you've warned her now, and if it continues, you will involve the authorities.
Stand firm, and if it does continue, get the authorities involved.
And most importantly, don't let her get between you and your boyfriend. Don't fight or bicker over her and what she's been doing, but just stand together, and be strong, and be very clear with her on what the boundaries are.
Good luck
...............................
|
