A
female
age
36-40,
*nnervouslove
writes:Hi. My boyfriend has been divorced for 1 year and 5 months. He married in 2002 and got seperated in 2003/ beginning of 2004. He was with his ex wife for 10 years all together. They do not have any kids. I am 20 and he is 35 and we've been together for 8 months.At first I was really nervous about us when we first met but we get along so well! I love spending time with him and he loves me too. I wanted to take things slow but he wanted to be with me. Our relationship is pretty much perfect except his ex-wife. She was a major proponent for their divorce and didn't care at all when he tried to reconcile. When we first got together, he told me she had a boyfriend and she seemed to not care about me and him. Thanksgiving he went to visit his family and he had lunch with her (they were trying to be friends) and he told me he was telling her about me and she told him she didn't want to hear it. Then the next week she sent him their wedding tape in the mail (they live in different states now) with a letter begging him to be in her life again since she realized he was serious about me. He made it clear he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he was happy with me. I told him how I did not like them talking a lot and it stopped, but I have seen emails from her to him now and then, and pictures she has sent him via email of them from a few years ago. I do not like it at all. But I can't expect him not to talk to her anymore because they have been together for a long time but it is uneasy knowing they have been married before. I just love him so much and he says he loves me too and this is the happiest he and I have ever been but his ex-wife will not let up. She has even started to spend more time with his family and friends. What should I do? I don't think he will hurt me because he knows how she hurt him by seeing someone else but I just wish she would leave us alone.
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female
reader, chriswitch  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 he is obviously (secretly) lapping up the attention because it is so simple to change a phone number and block an email, so if he has not done that then it is obvious he doesnt want to. he may not still be in love with her but it is more than likely that he feels flattered that two women want him at the same time...he is living his life like a lynx deodorant advert and you need to remove yourself from this game that he is playing with her....tell him that you love him but you are not going to fight for him against her or any other woman. you shouldnt need to, he should be happy to be with you and only you... explain this and tell him to choose
A
female
reader, DoneWithIt +, writes (3 November 2009):
i know i am 2 years too late, but im just curious to how things were going? are you to still together..
I know the feeling though. I am going thru the same thing with my future husbands pyshco ex wife!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): i am in a similar situation. i am 22 amd my bf is 36. his ex wife and he have 2 children together though. she has said that she doesn't want him back but her actions say differently. i can't get rid of her. she's like a bad cood that wont go away. well, reading wut u wrote, i seems like ur bf needs to change his email address and then she wont be able to email him. they do not need to be friends bc that leaves the door open for other things to happen. he needs to put his foot down and tell her to stop. even if he had to hurt her feelings. u know, sumtimes u have to get ur felings hurts in life to grasp the point. as far as him getting close with his family again, gurl dont even sweat it. she just tryin to get at him. but u just make sure u dont let her cum btw u and ur man. sounds like she is jealous of u and him. just trust him and know wut u have with him. that's all u can do. so just talk to him and ask him to change his email, but do not nag bc he will probably get upset. good luck
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A
female
reader, Bella55  +, writes (9 March 2007):
I am in a similar situation to you where my bf is a lot older than me and he was married for 12 years!! They do have children which makes it worse. But I have made it clear to him that I will not accept any phonecalls or teachers meetings together or sms, or emails if its not about his kids. He has given me his word, and she has confessed to me that he is inlove with me, not her. So I am deciding to trust him completely. If it werent for his kids, there would be no communication between the two of them, I would stand my ground. Guys arent like girls, and they tend to keep the peace rather than break ties. Send the wedding tape back to her. Ask your boyfriend if you can, Im sure he wont mind. Because as long as youre doing it, he doesnt have to feel bad. When she contacts him again, YOU answer the calls or the emails. I bet you, that your boyfriend will not stop you. They just dont want to hurt anyone, but you need to protect yourself and your relationship. Let her know that you are in control, assertavily. Dont be horrible just be plain honest.!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): i'm am in a similiar situation where I had told my bf that its makes me uncomfortable that he keeps in touch with his ex and it all blew up when he said they had no contact and I saw that they did- he said he lied not to hurt me.I think past baggage should be kept in the past. I agree that it is unhealthy to begin a new relationship if you can'g let go of the old one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is the painful downside of how some exes behave. Her harassment is causing pain in you and will, if it isn't already, have a very negative impact on your relationship with your bf. The crazy thing is..some exes to do this just to compete with the new love interest. It's very immature, disrespectful behaviour. And...it is his responsibility to deal with his ex and tell her 'enough!' He needs to fully understand, out of respect to you, and his committment to you that the connection to her was broken with the divorce. It's done-it's over. (thankfully, they are not parenting any children together) If he hasn't completely stopped contact with her, the next step would be for him to tell her, one last time and with conviction..that he doesn't want to hear from her anymore. No e-mails, no calls, no faxes..no nothing! Block her e-mail, change your phone number as was suggested, below. She needs to hear that from him and he has to stand his ground and be firm with her. If she continues, then perhaps you and the bf should discuss if a more drastic measure can be taken. Get some legal advice. A legal response to harassment is a restraining order. Might get her to sit up and take notice. To get a restraining order, you have to document her, every move. Start keeping track. Then you or a lawyer can send her a certified letter requesting that she not harass your home and your lives with phone calls or e-mails.
Now, if your bf refuses to stop contact with her, then he obviously 'wants' to be connected. You then, will have a huge problem on your hands. You will have a man who is not thinking of your pain and hurt that is being caused by his exe's, interference. You will then have to reassess if you can live with a man, who doesn't respect you enough to get rid of his past baggage so he can move forward with you. I have always said, one can't be friends with an ex..it always, always causes big problems with new relationships. Stand strong, dear and sit and openly, lovingly discuss with him, how you and he can deal with her now and in the future. Good luck, dear
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A
female
reader, innervouslove +, writes (8 March 2007):
innervouslove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe have talked about that and he stopped calling her and she calmed her calls down also, yet she called for his birthday and he told me they talked and I saw an email of her asking him a question about lasics and he responded, but there wasnt anything in it of her saying I love you. He told me that he can't see himself not ever talking to her. He wants to be cool with her because they were together for so long...I don't know. I do not like the fact that they have contact yet he did tell me that he wasn't going to cut her out his life. Yet, I feel like he wants to just be her friend but he knows its not a realistic friendship if she still wants to be with him. I guess I should just stay with him unless I notice him change. But what if she starts to plot more ways of gettng him back again?
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A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (8 March 2007):
 This is typical behaviour she didnt want him until she realised he was making a life without her. I dont blame you for being upset. I feel this is upsetting him too. He is going to have to get tough with her and start ignoring her calls and not replying to emails at least until she gets her life in order. Aunty t
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (8 March 2007):
 Let your boyfriend know how much this is affecting you and suggest that he changes his phone number and BLOCKS her email address. That will stop any more coming through. She is obviously jealous that he has someone else now and is trying her hardest to win him back.
As long as your boyfriend continues to reassure you that what she's doing won't get him back, changes his number and blocks her emails then she'll soon get the message and back off. She'll only end up making a fool of herself!
Eve
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