A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend who loves me to death and wants to marry me left his girlfriend of 1 year to be with me. It was after I declared my feelings for him, said this is why I can't be your friend and walked away from the both of them so they could be happy together and know why I didn't contact them anymore (but he left her 3 months after to be be with me). My problem is the fact that she contacts him all the time and it turns my stomach whenever she does so. They work together which makes things ongoing so he won't ignore her. I completely trust him, know there's nothing going on between them so don't know why I can't let this go. I don't want him to hide anything from me and try to behave normally whenever it crops up. It's eating me up and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Please don't tell me to contact her - I want her out of my life not in it more! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (19 May 2009):
ive been in this situation and unfortunatly it was a good ending for me... he cheated on me with her and ofcourse it was enevitable in my situation as they had 5years of history togther... when we started off i didnt know he was with soemone otherwise i wouldnt have got myself involved tho he cheated on me with her effectively that was my first mistake... if he was capable of doing it to someone he was with for 5years i was really nothing... secondly he dumped her for me and said he was in love with me i believed him and we made a real go of it....
problem was she still loved him... one night at a mutal friends birthday she threw herself at him... and him being a man took it with two hands... funny thing is if he dont get out of her life completely for a temp base their history is gnna be so strong something is bound to happen...
i hope u dont make the same mistake... an ex cant be a friend stright away espcially if one feels so strongly remember that and good luck sweetyy... if it was as bad as mine ur gnna need it :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): i am assuming that his ex was your friend as well. she must have been devastated to have him leave her for you. at the time they both were going out you were the intrusive 3rd party, you were in love with this man. told him while he was still attached to her. this also made their lives hell to deal with and she knowing that you had feelings for HER MAN at that time. it worked in your favour, he left her for you.
you just cannot expect her to be out of his life. if you say that you thust your bf then let it be. i am making another assumption- that they both were in a sexual relationship while together. for most women this means committment so perhaps she has not moved on YET. If you are not afraid or jealous of her what is the harm. they have a history together. they work together. it is not like she is secretly making contact with him. at that stage when she was going out with him, your actions ate at her. now you have him and her existence makes you uneasy.
she had to live with the hurt and pain that you "stole" him from her. she also invested 12 months with him and he left her for you.
personally i think your bf has unresolved issues with her, therefore he "tolerates/entertains" he calls. are you certain that he is not stringing her along and that perhaps he is giving out misguided signals that there is a POSSIBILITY. he may say he loves you but he also loved this woman as well. is he not confused. he went from her bed to yours before she could blink. did he jump too fast. did he know what he was getting into.
you can blame your ex friend all you want but make sure your resentment/ill feelings/ frustration is pointed in the right direction. he doesn't seem upset that she is in his life. the only person getting upset is you. and you need to question the stability of your relationship. you seem very insecure and perhaps have reason since he must have loved this girl a lot but perhaps could not live without you.
bottom line - both you and your bf has caused this girl pain. maybe he doesn't want to hurt her anymore. but i think his actions speak volumes. no one is forcing him to accept her calls. and she can't be that bad of a person if she was his everything for 1 year.
until this ex issue is sorted out i think you will be foolish to consider marriage. as i pointed out - he left her and got with you immediately. there was no time to breathe & think. he did not have time to be alone and comprehend what he really wanted in life. he knew he wanted you but what about all the other feelings he had to deal with. it is basically like a divorce. when you jump into the 1st relationship, marriage without any closure and ME time, the inevitable happens. time proves to be the deciding factor.
the key here is your bf. how close is he with his ex at work. do they constantly email and chat. spend lunch together? i think if you want to get to the bottom of their attachment to each other the bf has some explaining to do. sometimes the chase is worse than the conquest.
have you considered that perhaps he NEEDS TO HAVE HER IN HIS LIFE. What role did she play in his life while going out. how did they behave while they were a couple? bottom line- you got your friends boyfriend ,now it is up to him to decide who he really wants in his life. and whether he will be stringing the other along just to feel good. thus far there have been 3 people in this relationship- you were the 3rd intrusive party in theie love life, not she is the 3rd intrusive party in your love life. very intertwined lives.
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A
female
reader, misswalston  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 I would not tell you to contact her, but there is something you need to understand.... Your boyfriend left her, she did not leave him, so I would assume she still cares for him very much. I am sure that it wasn' easy for her to hear that he was breaking up with her. Maybe he told her the truth, maybe not, so as a woman, I think if you were in her shoes, you would probably feel the same way and would be trying to hold on to something of that person especially if you still had feelings for them. If you really feel that strongly about it, then maybe you should let your boyfriend kmow how you feel about his relationship with his ex. Tell him that you don't want her calling him anymore, but on the other hand, if you trust him as much as you say you do, then you should not worry about it, because if she is calling him all of the time and he is answering the calls, then apparently he doesn't have a problem talking to her.......think about what i am saying..........
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A
male
reader, Dreamlover  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 hey there, its normal, sub conciously it worried you that he might leave you. You need to let your BF knwo how you feel when she calls and you need to let him know what you epexct. Im sure you dont expect him to walk into another room when she calls or anything like that.
I believe that if he knows how you feel then the ball is in his court to make sure that if she does contact he needs to let her know that this was not important and that she cannot contact him for arb stuff.
There is pretty much nothng you can do but talk to your BF so that he understands and knows what to do.
good luck
ps: this will be a good indication to you of his commitment to you as well, he does not have to cut her totally off but he needs to limit what she can and cant talk to him about cos he needs to consider your feelings
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): out of respect for you, you need to confront HIM, not HER. Explain your feelings to him and that you really don't want her in your life and it's causing you a great deal of stress. She's the ex. What's not to be nervous about?
If he loves you as much as you say he does, he should just go ahead and ditch her. He can keep their relationship completely professional and at work only. There's no need for further contact outside of work.
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