A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend have been dating for almost a year and a half. It has been a good relationship and he is probably my first real true love in life and he swears that I am the only one for him and he could not live without me. I've grown very insecure about this over the course of our relationship however. He told me when we started dating he had a girl friend that was off and on for 5+ years he had broken up with about 4 or 5 months before we were together for good. I didn't realize it was a problem until 6 months into the relationship because he swore they never spoke. Then we did the family plan cell phone so I had full reign to his call detail every month sent to my house. I didn't look for a few months and one night he made me think I should by doing something sketchy so I checked and they talk almost every single day of the month. There was probably 5 days they had not talked that month. We fought about this for a week almost and finally I decided it wasn't worth it to fight anymore and I still loved him regardless if they talked. Now I can't help myself buy look and its still the same amount of calls. Never more then a few minutes each day but sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We met finally in the fall and she seemed to know who I was but it was a very strange meeting where she looked like she couldn't decide who she wanted to kill more me or him when we ran into each other. He says they talk because they have so much history and were friends in the beginning that he cannot just stop having contact with her after all they went through together. I would be fine with a random call once a month but I'm so upset about this and don't know if I should assume he's cheating on me or what. I know he loves me but could I be stupid to be turning a blind eye that he may love her too? I've told him many time he needs to cut her off completely if he wants us to work out and he swears they don't talk that much, I have nothing to worry about, and that he's with me not her and if he wanted her he could have her and that he sees no reason why I should force him to stop speaking to her. I feel like I spend too much time comparing myself to a girl I've met for 3 minutes of my life and its driving me insane!! Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Ok you have to end it. Im literally going thru this right now. I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and the same exact thing happened he was talking to his ex almost everyday and before I found out he was completely denying it. Now I have spoken to her and found out he was telling her he still missed her and spend xmas break, summer, and spring break with her and me. Its crazy I know its like I was blind or something. but some guys are very good at this...I firmly believe that if he does it once, he will do it agian. Its soo hard to get over, but I know we will..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): I agree. He's not over her at all.
I was in the same situation but in reversed roles. My ex and I were the best of friends and were soulmates (at that time). But because of some unfortunate reasons, we couldn't stay together (mostly bc of long distance), I didn't feel the same way about him as when I was in love. I wanted to end all contact and give each other space to heal and move on. However, he was still in love with me and did not want to lose contact. I was very forceful about it, and eventually, after a few months, he gave up (and has hopefully moved on).
What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter if your bf and his ex were best friends, if he doesn't love her anymore, it wouldn't be a problem for him to not talk to her (not to mention every day!). Afterall, friends who became lovers will never go back to being "just friends" after a break-up. That's my opinion anyways.
I don't like grey areas and murky relationships. It's best to make a clean cut and start over. It's sad that you lose a friend, but it's the best and easiest way. That's what your bf should've done, otherwise, he's just hurting both you and his ex.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 I don't think your b/f is over his ex, regardless of what he tells you. If they were together for 5 yrs. and then he got involved with you just 4-5 months after their break up, you are what they call "the rebound girl". That doesn't mean it can't work out between the two of you, but it does mean that your b/f didn't allow himself enough time to heal and get over his ex before he got involved with someone new. Now you are dealing with the quagmire of their so-called "friendship", when in reality, all it is, is a way for him to keep tabs on her, hear her voice every day, and know what she's doing. That's not moving on. That's going backwards. Your b/f needs to decide whom he really wants to be with. You or her. But he won't have a stable relationship with someone new, until he stops having daily contact with his ex. Maybe you should break up for awhile, and in a year if he has finally gotten his ex out of his system, he'll be ready to fly solo with someone like you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Cupcake  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 I had the exact same problem... My fiance had been talking to his ex about 6 times a month for 4 months until I found out about it.. This was 7 months into our relationship, and I was heartbroken as this girl had previously caused our relationship alot of problems... You need to tell your boyfriend to cut off all contact with her if its making you feel insecure, there is no need for him to be talking to his ex once a day... As you said, perhaps once a month would be excuseable but once a day is far to often to speak with an ex. If he cares about you as much as he claims to, and does not love his ex anymore, he will stop all contact. You need to be able to trust the person your with, and if hes doing this behind your back your going to eventualky develop trust issues and problems in your relationship... My now fiance then boyfriend ended all contact changed his phone number, and got detailed billing on a family plan so I could see the numbers he calls and prove to me it wouldnt happen again, it took along time but I trust him now.. You need to end this, im telling you from experience..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): To be honest babe, I would end it. If not for the fact that he lied about something he was doing every day that involved his ex. I went out with a guy who swore he had no contact with his last girlfriend, it turned out he did. We went on to live together for 3 years, and I could never trust him again. It caused nothing but problems. This may sound a bit over dramatic, and people get through worse stuff together and still survive it, but thats my personal opinion. If you think you can trust him, and not be blind to the fact that he lied, then carry on but be cautious. If he isnt willing to end the contact, then in a way you have to assess who is more important to him, which is something he is forcing you to think about. I think you are better than him. Although it seems unthinkable now, you will be happy again and you will grow from the experience.
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