A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't do it anymore... I don't know where to go from this point. I've talked to everyone that I possibly can (except a therapist, because I can't afford one), I've looked up forums and posts on countless sites all over the internet (as well as posting my own), and I've simply tried to rid myself of this problem, but it won't go away, and I'm losing my mind...I've written here before, but I only received one response, which, while it was helpful, it was also very, shall I say, obvious. "Just let this go" is not the answer I'm looking for. If I could, I would have long before now. Also, the old cliche "the past is the past" will not do. It's something that, while I know it's not in the present, it's present in my mind, which is every bit as real.To start, I'll preface this post with noting that I am not crazy, nor am I unstable or anything of the like. I'm just a normal girl, with insecurities that extend far beyond anything I can reach, and therefore I cannot let them go.I'm lost, and I don't know how I got here. My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of her. My boyfriend and I just approached our one year anniversary yesterday (3). We are happy. I am happy with him. He makes me feel things that I never thought I could feel with anyone. But this, his ex-girlfriend, she plagues me. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I heard tidbits here and there about her. From him, I heard horror stories about all that she had done to wrong him. He told me that she was unstable when they dated, as she was hard into drugs and alcohol at the tender age of 15. He began dating her when she was a freshman and he was a senior. As the months went by, I heard more and more stories. He told me that they argued on a daily basis, screaming matches, and that they'd break up once or twice a month, and stay broken up for several weeks before getting back together. He told me that she humiliated him, disrespected him, and was irrational, immature, and irresponsible. He told me that their relationship held no standards to him, and yet, he was there to go back to her for two to three years...The part that kills me, that I just can't let go of, is why. Why did he go back to her? Why did he subject himself to that over and over again? He also said that she had cheated on him (once with a girl, and once with his best friend, and that he could probably find more instances if he tried). He tells me now that he hated her back then, and still does. He tells me that she's a horrible person (which I believe, but to what extent?).I've talked to him about it before. I calmly sat him down one night and asked him, as it had been on my mind a lot, why he had been with her (on-and-off) for so long. He told me that it was because for some reason, at that time, he needed the drama of her to thrive on. His mother and his sister were drama queens as he was growing up, and he said that that largely influenced it as well. He was used to it, it was familiar. She would be fine, and things would be good for about a day, but then she'd get back into drugs and drinking and fighting, and they'd break-up. She'd then pretend to get clean and beg for him back and say she needed help, blah, blah, blah, so he'd go back. He said that sex with her was mechanical (really?), and that she was so dominant and icy about it that he resented having to do it. So why go back??This talk, I thought, would help me, but instead, it only exacerbated my perverse imagination. I've been creating my own memories of his past. I've looked up his ex's photos on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, and I've found a fairly attractive girl. She resembles me, slightly. Dark hair, blue eyes. The only difference is, I'm tan, she's not, and I'm a bit thinner than she is. P.S. She also just had a baby at 18. Nice, huh? My boyfriend was worried when we first met that it might be his, but it would've been damn near impossible. Still, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.My problem is, she won't leave my mind. I look at her pictures every day, many times a day, and no matter what my boyfriend talks to me about, she always crosses my mind. He could be talking to me about fishing, and all I'd be able to think of was him fishing back on the island where he grew up, where she still happens to live.I have nothing to be jealous about. He doesn't talk to her anymore. He's all but erased her from the planet to get her out of his life. He doesn't have her number, he's blocked her MySpace, and he doesn't mention her anymore after I've voiced my insecurities. But still, all I can think of is, why? He met me months after he broke up with her, and to be honest, he pursued me for about three months before I gave in to him. He wrote me a song, he took my virginity, and we talk about getting married someday. His mother refers to me as her daughter (his mother HATED his ex...). But still, I just can't let it go. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've never even met this girl (and I never want to), and yet she's taken over my life.My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight the other night over it. He told me that it feels like I don't trust him (that has nothing to do with it), and that I'm just trying to start drama and fight with him (I never want to bring it up with him, ever). I'm not afraid that he'll go back to her. She messaged him a little over a month ago, right after she was dumped by her fiance (the father of her child). The only thing she said in the message was: I hate you. Mature, right? And he didn't even respond. He had me go onto his account and block her, instead, which I admired. I've dated many guys who have come to me for the rebound relationship, just to turn around and cheat on me with or dump me for their ex. So, needless to say, yes, I'm paranoid a teeny bit, but it's nothing he's done to exacerbate that.I just don't know what to do anymore. She's always there, in the back of my mind, saying "I've got something you don't, and I've given him something you never can." I wish I knew what it was, but I don't. I mean, he kept going back to her after all she's put him through, so she must have had something. Please help me. He's told me already that if I don't stop, I'm going to hurt us, I'm going to bring us down. I can't do it... But I can't stop these thoughts, either, and it's killing me...
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anniversary, best friend, broke up, drugs, ex girlfriend, facebook, fiance, his ex, immature, jealous, myspace, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): the insecurity will eventually strain your relationship anyway and I tend to agree that if you're obsessing, there's something missing from or wrong with your relationship.
A
female
reader, Lady Glass +, writes (20 May 2010):
I feel the same way...Its like you look at the pics and comments just to see what she is doing or saying to see if she says something about you or your boyfriend subliminally.i really dont have advice im still looking for some also but im just letting you know there is someone in the same boat.
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (22 January 2010):
 The fact that you're obsessed with your bf's previous gf and their relationship shows a lack of maturity and a lack of respect for him. It also shows that you are a very weak individual to become obsessed with something that isn't really your business nor a part of your life. You need some therapy.....seriously. You have an abnormal obsession with this person. You are willing to risk your mental well being and the relationship with your bf because of YOUR compulsive obsession. Get some help. It isn't fair to your bf to be with yet another unstable female.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Please, please stop! Stop hurting yourself!
This other woman that your boyfriend dated is POISON! She may be pretty, she may seem popular on her internet site. But trust me, even your boyfriend knows she's deadly.
And now she's poisoned you and you don't even know her personally.
What did she have that you don't? Insanity. That's it. And she's making you insane too.
The fact that she hates your boyfriend and he mutually hates her right back says everything.
She's a drama queen to the nth degree. He recoils from it now. He knows that drama only makes life harsh and unbearably unhappy.
What you need to do is to clear the slate, wipe it clean. Forget her, remove her web pages from your bookmarks, remove her photos; remove her from your life.
You should focus intensely on your relationship with your boyfriend and not his past mistake. That's right MISTAKE.
If anything, he needs calm, gentle love. Not the harsh, abusive, and negative life-sucking attention he received from a human monster.
Just forget her from now on. I know it seems impossible to do, but it is possible and you have to do this. Get her out of your mind NOW.
Just reading what you wrote about her and what she did, tells me that I wouldn't want to be in the same room with her, much less on the same island with her. She's bad news. Poison.
Please for your own sake, let it go and bury her in the past NOW!
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