A
female
age
36-40,
*zrlinz
writes:Hi guys. My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend, who is a girl, who happens to be his ex from about 4 years ago. We have been together for 3, and have lived together for 1. The thing that upsets me is that a long time ago, I know that when he first started talking to her again he liked her(when he was with me) He didn't cheat, or anything, but I knew. Because she told me. She is a lovely girl, and a good friend who I can talk to about anything...but I sometimes question her motives. Like she would tell me if she sees him flirt with another girl(he's naturally flirty and a really nice guy, I know this about him and accept it) so sometimes I just think she's out to make me upset or to break us up. I'm not really sure about her. They also hang out when I'm not around sometimes. I do trust my boyfriend, but I get alittle uneasy sometimes because I know in the past he had strong feelings for her. But he has also committed to me, and loves me, so I'm not quite sure. I've been feeling down about this for quite a while and need to be snapped out of this drone I'm in. Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 What it boils down to is trust. You say you trust him, but you seem unsure if you can trust her. He will pick up on that insecurity and think you don't trust him.
You need to talk to him. Get it out of your head and into a conversation.
As far as her motives, it never 100% sure why girl friends do what they do. She might tell you about things she observe about your BF because she likes you as a friend and wants you to know that she is looking out for you. On the other hand she might be a little jealous that he flirts with others girls but not her. It's hard to tell. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
Trust is important not only in relationships but in friendships too. If you think of her as a friend you need to trust her too. I know, easier said then done, but think on it. I you can't trust her why have her as a friend, unless it's to keep and eye on her.
About the two of them doing stuff without you, I don't know. I honestly wouldn't be to thrilled.
Like I said it all boils down to trust. And gut instinct.
A
female
reader, Shalom  +, writes (21 January 2009):
This situation is a common one and one that most people can empathise with. The first thing to consider is:
Is there still an attraction between your boyfriend and his ex- girlfriend? If there is you must recognise that it is entirely out of your control.
You can only control yourself and be accountable for your actions. And that goes for your boyfriend and his ex.
It takes a strong person to trust other people and trusting them is what you need to do. Give your boyfriend your trust and believe that he cares enough for you not to abuse your trust.
If you feel that you cannot put your trust in him, them you must ask yourself why not? The answer to this question may reveal if you should be in a relationship with a man who you cannot trust.
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A
female
reader, HonestyAunt +, writes (21 January 2009):
I don't think you have to worry about your boyfriend. As you say, he had strong feelings for her but these were in the past. They broke up for a reason and he chose to be with you. Even if he did like her when they 1st met again, he turned her down for you. So he liked her, loved you, which is far stronger. He also probably has no idea you are upset about this so wouldn't see anything wrong with talking to your friend.
It doesn't matter if they hang out alone, if you also all hang out together. If there was anything to hide it's unlikely they'd be able to do this. It is possible this is the reason your friend told you your boyfriend like her - she might have wished there was something for you to be jealous about, but there wasn't, so she tried to manufacture a situation.
To find out if your friend is really acting in your best interests, why not explain to her that you understand your boyfriend is naturally flirty and don't mind (even if you sometimes do), so would prefer it if she didn't tell you everytime he talked to a girl, it's not necessary as it's not a threat. Explain that you know she is acting out of kindness (even if you are not sure) but you trust your boyfriend and would prefer to talk about other girly things. She may be genuinely trying to be a good friend - if she really wants to help you she will listen to you, and stop.
Good luck!
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