A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So to explain the situation a bit better Ive been best friends with an American man for about 12.5 years now, I lived in Ireland and we met online and started as penpals , we have emailed nearly every day for 12 years and always rang each other and there for each other if we were going through crap and were always there for each other. He is my rock and when I got married he was there for me in the dark days and was especially there for me when I divorced from my husband. I’m 26 and he is 30. When I left my marriage he begged me to come over to the US for a few weeks to forget about the divorce for a while, when I was there he changed, he has always been the goofy funny joker always but this time he was affectionate helpful loving and just touching me a lot something I never experienced with him, one evening we got really close and had really deep real conversations about life that night after a few glasses of wine he sat on the bed and kissed me so passionately and we ended up having the most slow romantic passionate sex. It was then things took a turn in our friendship at first i chickened out I thought maybe he is looking for a friend with benefits thing or maybe he’s just using me as I was vulnerable after a divorce so when he flew 10 hours to surprise me with flowers and ask me for a relationship my mind got the better of me and I made it clear I didn’t want a relationship just friends. A few weeks after he started dating a girl, he was with her 3 months and broke it off with her two weeks before I came to see him as he told me after he knew I was the one for him. As he dated her he would always ring me and kept reminding me that this was a fling with the girl he was with and it wasn’t serious . The three months he was with her bothered me as it was then I realised I was falling hard for him, when I came over to visit I told him how I felt and he just kissed me and told me it doesn’t matter he waited over 12 years for me and he would wait more if he had to. We have been together for over a month now and it feels incredible . I have taken time out to be over there with him and I do plan to live there soon. We are so happy until one night I received a message online from his ex claiming I'm a man stealer that she would get me and teach me not to mess with her. Walking home one night she was in a bush a threw a small rock at me. When me and my boyfriend were in the local club kissing she barged up against him and shouted to keep me that I’m a screw like my boyfriend. He has told her he wants nothing to do with her and to not blame me but she hates my guts. Sometimes I’m afraid she is gonna get revenge . It’s affecting me as I’ve never dealt with this kind of situation before , she lives about thirty minutes from him. When I told him what happened he told me that before they broke up he told her drunk that he is in love with a person he’s been best friends with for years . They fought over it and when he broke it off he told her that he dated her to try and forget me being with him but he can’t and that he hoped to get with me when I visited again so it was best to end things. . I didn’t know this until the day she threw a rock at me when I asked him why he didn’t tell me he told me that it was messy cause his ex basically went crazy. Which I understand. Has anyone advice on how to deal with this behaviour without getting the cops involved? My boyfriend has assured me that things will be fine that she’s just jealous but being honest the girl is freaking me out .
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best friend, broke up, divorce, drunk, flowers, friend with benefits, his ex, jealous, kissing, met online, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 August 2018):
 It always amazes me how people can redirect their anger.
The one who did her wrong was your boyfriend, not you. HE was the one who basically used her to try to get over you and then told her what he had done and that it hadn't worked. No wonder she is fuming. However, her gripe should be with your boyfriend. YOU didn't tell him to date her. YOU didn't even tell him to dump her.
In your shoes, if she contacts you again, I would make that point very strongly and then tell her, if she bothers you again, you WILL contact the police. Hopefully she will get over this in time but, in your shoes, I would be thinking long and hard about what type of person would do this so lightly to another person. Is your boyfriend really as wonderful as you believe him to be?
Tread carefully. He may be enamoured with you at the moment but, if he can do this to one person, he can do it to another.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 August 2018):
 Well I have to say that’s dickish behaviour from your BF to admit to her face that he’s using her until a better option came along. No one on this planet would be able to completely keep their cool to be told directly that they’re not good enough and they were a placeholder for someone else.
That being said, physical violence is absolutely unacceptable and should never be a response. Especially not to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. I wouldn’t respond to any of her messages, I’d keep a record of them and if anything else happens I would inform her that I’m contacting the police. There’s not much else you can do here besides hoping she loses interest and if she doesn’t then involving the authorities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): The rejected psycho ex-girlfriend! The subject of songs, Lifetime movies, scary poems, plays, and American rap music!
She only threw a small rock, when she could have used a hammer or tire iron. She's not totally psycho; but that was a shot across the bow. No telling what she's capable of.
Okay, we are all jumping to the conclusion this woman is a stalker and a potential-threat; but we haven't accounted for how lover-boy dumped her.
Some of the sanest women I know lose-it and go into ultra-bitch-mode; when a guy pulls that kind of player-number on them like your friend-turned-boo! I mean very educated sophisticated ladies who just go-off!!! He has sexed her, romanced her, and told her sweet-nothings in her ear! Then this other chick flies in from Ireland, and "Sorry babe, I gotta go! I was using you to forget somebody else!"
There's thunder and lightning!!! Earthquakes! A mushroom-cloud can be seen in the horizon! It's a scorned-female! Not Armageddon!
I'm hoping she's only going through post-breakup withdrawal that will eventually ease and subside once she gets her emotional-bearings. You should keep records of threats sent by email, on social media, or text message. File a police complaint; if those threats continue, or progress in intensity. She might be crazier than we think! She must be tracking and following him by GPS on her phone. He better turn-off his locator on his smartphone!
You and no one else likes to be rejected; and certainly not romanced for three months to be told you really want somebody else! It's humiliating and infuriating! Not to excuse her behavior; but it's a pretty common reaction in these parts...the USA I mean!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 August 2018):
 I agree, I would involve the cops.
She ONLY dated him a short while so her behavior and anger is disproportional. which to me shows that she might not be totally right in her head. Or she is just VERY immature. Though, Like Cindy states, I get why she might be pissed... he PROBABLY didn't tell HER that she was "just a fling".
And there is NO way, YOU or HE can "fix" her or "make" her stop. She might NEED to be told by someone with AUTHORITY like the Police.
I would write down all the dates/times and what happened and print out/save all electronic messages from her.
I would NOT try and "talk" to her or have your BF talk to her... I would call the Police before this escalate.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 August 2018):
 What he done to that women is disgusting! He used her and that is a horrible thing to do to any person. Even though it was only three months, am sure it still hurt her very much.
However she does sound crazy and she has no right threatening you or throwing rocks at you, you done nothing wrong and I can see why you are worried. Honestly if it was me I would send her a clear message stating if she gives you any more hassle you will be going straight to the police. I am sure she will calm down, but if she is willing to throw rocks at you I would also be worried. Getting mad at him is one thing but physical abuse to you is simply not acceptable.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Why don't you want to involve the police ? that's exactly their job : protecting people against other crazy people who throw rocks at the them !
I am not saying that she deserves to be taken away and locked in a dungeon, - but a nice restraining order should do the trick. I feel that any problem is always better dealt with by professionals, and in this case the professionals are the cops.
Actually, I can see why she is so bitter and angry; nobody likes to be used, and nobody likes to be treated like a convenient penis-holder until the " real thing " comes along. ( And ,TBH , that this guy is capable of such a callous , exploitative , although flattering for you, behaviour- no, I would not like it a bit if I were dating him . But since I am not the one dating him,ok, I'll just shut up ). This ,though, does not give her permission to become violent and stalkerish, and most of all toward you, who have no fault whatsoever for what happened . So it needs to be nipped in the bud by any means necessary, and if ignoring her totally did not work , then luckily there are laws for your protection.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 August 2018):
Why don't you want to involve the police ? that's exactly their job : protecting people against other crazy people who throw rocks at the them !
I am not saying that she deserves to be taken away and locked in a dungeon, - but a nice restraining order should do the trick. I feel that any problem is always better dealt with by professionals, and in this case the professionals are the cops.
Actually, I can see why she is so bitter and angry; nobody likes to be used, and nobody likes to be treated like a convenient penis-holder until the " real thing " comes along. ( And ,TBH , that this guy is capable of such a callous , exploitative , although flattering for you, behaviour- no, I would not like it a bit if I were dating him . But since I am not the one dating him,ok, I'll just shut up ). This ,though, does not give her permission to become violent and stalkerish, and most of all toward you, who have no fault whatsoever for what happened . So it needs to be nipped in the bud by any means necessary, and if ignoring her totally did not work , then luckily there are laws for your protection.
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