A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,With compassion and honesty, I would like to thoughtfully help someone clearly understand I am looking for friendship only.I am a 28 year old male and share the office floor with another team that includes a 22 year old girl. She acts tough, but isn't. She also recently mentioned in passing mental health issues and years of depression in college.Over the last month we have chatted on the floor, over lunches, once over dinner immediately after work and we yesterday opportunistically went for a walk after work.It is clear she is romantically interested, but my concern is I do not know if it's clear to her. Things I have tried:* When she wants to hang out, I make a point to try and involve other people* Casually and with humor encouraged her to date (others)* Mentioned I have taken myself off the market for a year (true) Based on the signs I am receiving, it is time to let her know point blank.My thought is to simply say "there's something important I need to ask. Do you want me as your friend and nothing but your friend?"It's a little out of the blue, but I like the idea of asking rather than telling her anything, as I suspect she is most likely to deny romantic interest (of which I am 100% sure) perhaps even lying to herself, which would prolong her suffering.Happy to be corrected. Please share your relevant experience e.g. Having been on receiving or sharing end, experience with depression, age difference. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 I agree with the others and since they've already said it perfectly I don't need to elaborate.
Instead I'll respond to your idea about how to confront her.
Getting her to admit intimate feelings just so you can reject her is cowardly and cruel. Lying to you does not mean she is lying to herself. Denying such feelings TO YOU (and others) could be a face saving way of accepting rejection.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2018):
 I agree. Why do you keep leading her on??? Having lots of lunches together, going out after hours for dinners and long walk-and-talks?? You can't indulge the ego boost her attention gives you, and then shut her down when she logically wants to see whether there's a relationship with you.
Your conversations are also inappropriate and are also leading her on. People don't usually start out talking about mental health issues or depressive episodes in the professional setting of work, so you've crossed boundaries and have made things personal, which you should not have done if you weren't interested in her.
What it sounds like is that you were initially interested, but getting to know her a little bit better made you realize that you're not interested in her.
You and I also know full well that the platitudes of "taking myself off the market for a year" is all smoke and mirrors. If she were to have piqued your interest, you wouldn't have said anything like that. That's the sort of thing people say when they're not interested but don't want to outright say it.
Like WiseOwle said, no more after-hours and after-work time. That all stops. This is a work setting, so it's time to drop the personal stuff and be professional, which also means that since you know she has feelings for you, YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS with her. The only thing you can do at this point is sincerely apologize for giving her the wrong impression or mixed signals, but you want to keep your interactions "strictly professional" only.
You can't be "just friends" with someone who likes you more than that. And if she's talking to you about her mental past, it ain't "Just friends" with her. She's having intimate conversations with you.
If she doesn't get it after that, then you AVOID the hell out of her. Don't be where she is. Get really busy. No more lunches. No more chats at the watercooler. She'll get the idea then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018): [EDIT]:
"You're practically leading her on,..."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018): How about coordinating your actions with your words! Going out to dinner after work, taking walks, and chatting regularly is more attention than necessary; and sends the wrong signals. You claim it's all innocent; but you know her history, and how vulnerable she is. You sure know a lot of details about this young woman.
You don't need to encourage her to date other people. That's none of your business. Dating shouldn't be a topic of conversation when you're talking to a female co-worker.
Discontinue activities outside the workplace and simply tell her that it's best you keep things professional; so nobody gets the wrong idea about what's going on. Keep your conversations polite, and mostly business; until her crush subsides. Don't treat her like she's an idiot. She may have some issues, but she's not a fool.
Here's a basic-rule to go by. Most single-females in your age-group and just slightly older; are looking for dates. If you do things that vaguely resemble flirtation or romantic-attention; you are sending mixed signals. You are not dealing with another man, she's a female.
People will gauge your intentions by the amount of time and attention you give them. They will consider flattery and compliments flirtation. In most cases, that's exactly what it is.
You've practically leading her on, and your fear is she'll go-off and embarrass you. If she is employable; she likely has her act together better than that, but who knows?
Treat it like you'd treat any other crush when you're not interested romantically. Depression doesn't make people totally irrational or impulsive. Those are other mental-health conditions. If you're not interested in dating, what's age got to do with anything?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2018):
 I think IF she is hoping for romance trying to be "platonic friends" is unrealistic.
You have given her little "bread crumb clues" that she has ignored because it's NOT what she wants. Or she is a little dense.
I don't think she will understand the whole, DO you want to be my friend and friends only. I think she will continue as she has so far. I think if you go STRAIGHT to the - " I could be wrong but it seems you have a little bit of a crush on me and I want to be completely honest with you... I'm NOT interested in you romantically. All I can offer is friendship". Yeah, it's blunt but I think "hints" are like pissing in the wind. (as in not a smart thing). She might DENY a crush (and that is fine who cares!) but at least SHE will know where you stand and you will know that SHE knows.
Or maybe what you NEED to do is pull back and be a LOT less available. And if you have "taken yourself" of the dating market - I hope it's not for her sake.
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