A
female
age
41-50,
*ariposa28
writes:i am looking for some advice. my fiancee has this ex-girlfriend who won't let him go. i have found notes that she has written him and they make me feel uncomfortable. i have talked to him about this and he swears up and down that he doesn't encourage her behavior, but i dont believe him. I have recently found a letter from her to him telling him how she wished our daughter was hers and his child, and now that she is pregnant she hopes he isn't mad at her. why would he care if she was. anyways in that letter she told him that he could visit her whenever he wanted and also call her. What should I do? Should I confront her and him about this? I feel so disrespected!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Same as adifferentperspective said. They can still work together, but there's no need for him to crack open letters or read notes from her. Just like problems from home should never be brought into the workplace, the same goes for the problems in the workplace,..they should never be brought home. He should keep things professional between them at work, and nothing more, and if he can't, then you know there's something seriously wrong with him, too.
A
female
reader, Mariposa28 +, writes (19 July 2010):
Mariposa28 is verified as being by the original poster of the question You all have given me some really good advice. Thanks for that. The only problem with that is that they work in the same company so how would i get him to stop all contact with her?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Yuck to crazy ex's... Wish they would all just take a one way cuise to Mars.
Be honest with him, tell him how those letters make you feel. If he is engaged to you, you have the right to assume he is over her, which mean cutting contact with her would be no problem.
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female
reader, karen1989  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 This ex of his is obviously still very much in love with him. Do you know what there relationship was like? and why they broke up. Hes definately over her aswell right? (i don't wana make you upset i'm just trying to cover all angles of this) Why is he keeping her letters?..I think you need to quiz him to be honest. Then tell him to tell her to back off-he has to be forceful about this hes with you now, and if he hurts her feelings then so be it. Shit happens i'm afraid. Make sure he isnt leading her on.
Good luck :)
Karen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Ask him why his ex said she hopes he's not mad that she's pregnant. Is she in a position of knowing that you're engaged to be married, somehow? If so, how long has she been going on like this, sending him letters and notes, and how old are the letters(notes)? Were they written just recently, or long ago?
If they were written long before you decided to get married, they're most likely legit words from her. If they're more recent, around the same time as he proposed/or you proposed, she might be playing up a bunch of drama to cause friction and a possible delay or cancellation of the future wedding.
One thing's for sure, if letters are being sent to him from his ex, getting married soon isn't a great idea, without getting as much detailed information as you can out of your fiance. If you bombard him enough with questions, if there's something going on between them, eventually pieces will fall together and he'll slip up too much. Until this mystery is cleared up, I would tell him you're postponing any wedding plans for an indefinite amount of time, until you feel more comfortable with how things are going.
In the meantime, get as many different answers as you can, out of him, and try to piece as many timelines and stories as you can together. If there is something going on, lately, between them, it will turn up in your queries.. and you have the right to information and answers. If he loves you enough and is serious enough about wanting to marry you, he'll answer every question you have, to prove he's not so in touch with or close to his ex. You deserve to go into your marriage with a clear, uninterrupted conscience.
Don't feel bad about prodding him for answers now, as innocent as he might be, because would you rather end up marrying someone who potentially got his ex pregnant while dating you? It's better to be safe than sorry. As far as she goes, you're better off trying to get answers out of her first, before showing him you're too concerned, so you might be able to catch him in lies when asking him questions, or compare what she said to see which one is lying. Don't fight with her, but tell her you just want to know her side of the story, and any times she knows he was with her, calling/texting/emailing her, etc. Good luck.
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reader, Roshii +, writes (18 July 2010):
 No and why should you, He should of nipped this in the bud long before it got to this stage, You might need to give him a push to do it, and i think your right to not believe hes note encouraging her in her endless behaviour. He should be showing you these letters instead of you finding them.
This is a sticky situation, but for this girl to stop it needs to be him that does it.
There maybe more to this than it first seems. Be openminded.
And good luck
Roshiii
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 July 2010):
 The ex is obviously having a hard time letting go and it's making her a bit crazy. Your partner probably doesn't want to hurt her feelings and in all honesty, he can't make her stop unless he changes his number or you move.
I am pretty sure he isn't encouraging her and if she is pregnant with someone else's child, he's not going to want too get in the middle of that. Speak to him again and let him know (calmly) that her contact is really bothering you and would it be ok for you to contact her and ask her to stop. Tell him your going to be sensitive when you tell her to kindly go away but that it isn't normal for her to keep contacting him and it's affecting your relationship.
He will either do one of three things, he will let you do the dirty work, he will realise that he has to do it himself or he will do nothing.
If he chooses to do nothing then I would keep a very close eye to make sure that nothing is going on between them.
It is disrespectful to you but you need to take control and let him know it's hurting you.
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A
female
reader, johannabanana +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Sometimes guys just have insane Ex-girlfriends. First I would say ask yourself how your relationship with him is. Forget about the Ex for a second and just think about how he treats you. Think about what other problems you both face as a couple and how you resolve those conflics. If you have inner problems between the two of you he could be reaching out to other people just to feel important or wanted or for his Ego. Guys have a hard time letting go of people they were once with. Guys are also liars, which I'm sure you are aware of by now. But you are also putting all the blame on him. A big part of a working relationship is trust. If he swears he is doing nothing then mabey you need to take his word for it... If you can't trust him now forget marrying the guy. Distrust makes people miserable and ruins solid relationships. My advice is believe what he is saying because you are the girl he wants to marry. As for the girl is you have her phone number call her... Better yet if you know where she lives go talk to her face to face. If you let her know how she is embarrassing herself and should be ashamed of the things she is saying it could have a big impact... If it doesn't phase her simply say if he wanted you this ring would be on your finger not mine. Simply tell her to stop. If possible cut all ties. Change phone numbers... etc. Try to cut off her communication. But you may want to secretly check up on your fiance's side of things if he acts weird or secretive something could be up. You don't want to find out he is a liar after you seal the deal. Careful now... You don't want him knowing your checking up on him.
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