A
female
age
36-40,
*amilola
writes:Hi. I work in the same place as this really cool guy. We've been spending quite some time together and I really really like him and for the first time I'm falling in love.I know he likes me too but there's a major problem I've had to deal with.He found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him and he's really hurt.I find his case really sad.He's bought all sorts of cds and books on how to get over a heartbreak!One morning, he told me he dreamt about her all night.That really hurt cause we made love before we went to bed and we cuddled all night. My friends say that was a cue to go!But I feel like if I'm patient,he'll get over her and give us a chance.Please bear in mind that I really like him.Could you please advice me??? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 If you two made love it could have triggered his subconcious mind to remember. When he was sleeping the sub concious brought her out possibly to be dealth with. If he is still in love with her that might have a bearing on his dream. If not then the overshawdowed thoughts that haunt his dreams will be present until he can let go.
Since he has been honest with you it seems he probably cares for you. Back away from him for a bit. Try just being his friend. Let him know how you feel and why you need to do this. Let him realize his feelings where you are concerned. Let him get his old relationship into perspective.
Since she cheated and he is the one heartbroken chances are he might reconcile if she changes. On the other hand he might not want to consider it at all. If he is being haunted by the fact continuously he might want to just find closure.
When you talk to him about it be tactful. Let him know that you really like him and you will be there for him as a friend. Give him space to get his head and heart sorted. If he cares enough for you and sees that you are on his side it could possibly make him choose more qickly to let go and start over with you.
Best of wishes and God bless.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Your guy was honest, that is a plus. I realize that you like this guy but I think it might be good for you to limit your interaction with him to friendship until he can get past this issue. Pull back a bit so that if he is totally unable to be in a relationship you do not get your heart broken. Be there for him, support him but do this as his friend. He really does need some space to deal with this betrayal from his ex. Be honest with him and let him know that he hurt you by saying what he did but thank him for being honest. Things can progress from friendship once he can learn to trust again.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 November 2007):
 Sorry your going through this. This has to be difficult for the both of you. What needs to happen is he has to forgive his ex. I did this before and it worked. But when he does so, it's not because she deserves it, it's because he deserves to live without the burden she caused. Next is just basic realizations. First, most cheaters don't do so with the intention of hurting the other person. They don't wake up and say, gee how to hurt them today, oh cheating will do it. So he needs to realize her act, all though it ended up causing him pain, was a selfish act of the other person. Her act has nothing to do with who he is as a person, only to fill her need or desire.
I have a meeting to attend so I'm not going to go in too much detail, just give you an idea of what's going on.
How much thought do you have to give when I hand you a pencil, to know what it is? Most people, not much.In order to come up with that, we had to learn it. Our brains work on associations. It's not capable of producing information that's not given to it, that's what we call learning. Same thing with relationships. Imagine a circle. The circle is called "relationship" In side that circle you put a man and a women. You can add everything that relationships include, faithful, trusting, loving, etc. Now add cheating. He was cheated on, and this hurts, our brain associates that with "relationship" because it happened within the circle. He gets mad and dumps her for it. You can erase her from the circle, but cheating remains behind. That's what develops fear, because that elements of cheating is now attached to "relationship." The Key is when she's gone, to re-attach cheating to her so when she leaves the circle, so does the act.
Take care, I hope this helps you a bit.
...............................
|
