A  ,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me recently, completely out of the blue. We had lived together for 3 years and been together for nearly 5 years.The main reason that he gave me is that he's been feeling very depressed and is worried about dragging me down with him. He has had problems with depression for as long as I have known him, and part of why we became close is because I had also been through depression so we shared our experiences.I still love him and I know he still loves me and he is my best friend. On the few occasions that I've seen him since we split, it still feels very comfortable and we're still able to talk about anything like we always could.I can see us getting back together at some point in the future, but we've both said we don't want to rush things as I need to be able to trust him again and be sure it's what he really wants. He's getting proper treatment for his depression and is dealing with some of the issues in his life that he'd previously brushed under the carpet.The problem is, I don't know how to handle things in the mean time. I handled it well in the beginning and kept myself busy so I wouldn't have time to miss him, but lately it has started to sink in and I do miss him very much. He's happy to see me and speak to me as often as I want, but I'm torn in all different directions.I want him to know I'm still there for him if he needs support through his depression, and he's the one person that I've always talked about everything with. However, I'm worried there are other underlying issues as to why he broke up with me and that there's a possiblity we won't work it out, and maybe the best thing I can do at the moment is to put my efforts into keeping some distance from him.I find it hard to step back and see what's for the best as I'm blinded by how I feel for him and my need to stay in touch as I don't want to lose my best friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThought I might as well write a follow up a year later. It all worked out well in the end. I kept my distance from him and spent lots of time with my friends keeping busy, but I let him know I was still there for him if he really needed it. After a few months, the time apart made us realise that we were better off as friends rather than a couple, and he still doesn't feel like he's ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone, so I have moved on. We remain good friends. He still has problems with depression but he's doing much better and building up a much better and more supportive circle of friends.
Meanwhile, I am with someone else now and everything is going really well there and I'm really happy.
If you ever happen to come back to this page, then thank you both for your advice!
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (18 April 2005):
 He broke up with you because he felt he could be dragging you down with his depression. However, you have found that when you are together, you are comfortable and happy with each other. It seems odd in a way that he made the decision to split which is perhaps why you are worrying about underlying issues for why he broke up with you. You have always been able to talk to him about anything so talk to him about this. Ask him if it is only related to his depression. You need to confirm and understand this first, he should be able to allay your fears and worries.He is possibly going through a time of self discovery as well as self analysis so you need to keep updated on what he is thinking and feeling. I don't mean for you to put pressure on him but if he is happy to see you whenever then perhaps you need to find out what is still stopping you from being a proper couple again? It is perfectly normal for you to miss him and want to be with him because you love him. He may be asking quite a lot of you to expect you to wait for him to sort himself out. He could still do this with your support in the background.It is a very good idea to keep yourself as active and distracted as possible by taking up a new interest or seeking out new friends, all to occupy your mind. Take time out for yourself as well. Think about your own needs and what you want from life and from your partner.If, for example, you aren't both able to work it out, make sure you have something to fall back on. In this case, your own independence and other interests and friends.Talk to him, discuss what you feel so he knows too what is going through your mind.I do hope this helps.
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reader, manda +, writes (18 April 2005):
I think he did the best thing he could at the time for your relationship. Sometimes when you are feeling this bad inside, being around people you like or love is hard to do. He did what he had to for his own self preservation. Good on him for getting help, as it will help everyone in the long run. Now it is your turn to do what ever you need to, and he needs to return the love by accepting your decisions from here. Depending on your situation what oportunities you can chose from, but how about taking some time off to go and travel or spend a weekend with someone you haven't seen in ages? Do something that tests you mentally and physically like a charity trek in some Mountainous place. Doing these things will be good for you and really fun. Start thinking more as a single person and doing all the fun things you can and hope that maybe one day soon your boyfriend will think he would like a bit of an adventure too and joins you, if you want that still. Hope all works out x
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