A
female
age
51-59,
*ola121
writes:I have been with my partner for just over 4 years. I have a son of 15 whose father died and he has a daughter of 22. Her mother walked out on her when she was 10 and she hasn't seen her since. My partner and I bought a house together and when she finished uni she moved in with us. However she has never really accepted me. She only ever wants to spend time with her dad on her own. She used to pay me 100 pounds per month which included some meals. She is on a good wage. She thought it was unreasonable to pay me. She has never liked me and once swore at me and called me a c*** My partner made her apologise. Since then she keeps all her belongings in her room and stays at her boyfriends parents where she eats showers and does her washing. She hasn't seen my partner in over a month and spent 30 minutes with him in last 3 months. The only time she wants to see him is if she's on her own and has nothing to do which is not always convenient for my partner. I have had a birthday and she didn't even give me a card this year. I've broken my foot and have a DVT so my partner has had to help out a lot around the house. She hasn't even been back to house to see if I am all right. My partner is incredibly frustrated and cross with her and has told her that her behaviour is unreasonable. She said his behaviour has been unreasonable. My partner is stressed out by it all. It has been an incredibly hard year and he has lost his mother and brother. His father has had heart surgery and moved in with us for three months until we asked him to go home. His daughter was really cross that we sent him home although she wasn't the one looking after him. Not sure how to handle this as my partner doesn't want to lose his daughter.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 If she wants to spend time alone with her father then that should be an option. I can understand that you feel left out but this is her father, she has lost her mother, her grand mother and her uncle, if what she wants is time alone with her father then he should try and make time for her, it sounds like she feels unwanted and neglected, maybe time alone with him will make her see that she is not alone in the world. That her dad does love her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): She is an adult, and I think you've asked the wrong person to leave your home. If it wasn't difficult to send your partner's father home after heart surgery, why is it difficult to just send his daughter on her merry way?
Sometimes people don't accept you no matter to what lengths you go to seek their approval. If it doesn't come willingly, you stop trying. That's common-sense.
You're apparently not married to your partner; yet you have to deal with everything a spouse is obligated to. As far as his daughter is concerned; treat her as you would any other unreasonable, disrespectful, ungrateful adult. Ask her to remove her things from your home; and feel free to visit her father whenever she likes. Just call first.
You've got a son to raise, and your partner has introduced dysfunction to your life. He has brought nothing but one misfortune after another, and my concern is how this is all affecting your son? The youngest and most innocent one of all involved. I see absolutely no cause to invite this young woman into your home. I think you allow her too much leverage; and take too much on yourself dealing with her, when your partner is a handful with all his problems.
Don't move anyone else into your home. If your partner's father needs help? Maybe his remotely concerned granddaughter can pitch-in; or it may be time for his father to move into a full-care nursing home. If your partner and his father can't afford it; then he will have to seek assistance from social services. These people cannot and should not disrupt life for your growing son. These constant messy issues really have no bearing your life,
After four years of dealing with all this dysfunction, your partner hasn't considered marrying you? Have you considered just leaving and finding a home for you and your son? If a man puts a woman through all the stress he'd put a wife through, he should at least offer her all the benefits of marriage. Yet you're concerned that his daughter doesn't accept you.
Forget about his mean-spirited daughter. She needs therapy to deal with her possible abandonment issues. Your partner needs to man-up and lighten the emotional-load coming down on you and your son. You need to dismiss any further concern about his daughter. She's not a child, and you're not her mother.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 June 2016):
I think the answer to your question is that you just need to focus on building a strong relationship with your partner and try, amid the stresses of your lives, to make time to spend just with each other. Other people will do whatever it is they’re going to do, but it will all be easier to deal with if you’re on the same page, supporting each other. It sounds like this young lady is very selfish. Perhaps this is a phase, and perhaps she’s angry about something, but it’s no way to behave. It’s not down to you to fix the fact that she’s freezing her father out and if you tried to tackle her behaviour directly it is likely to backfire and make her worse. She may be resentful of you if it was just her and her father before you came along. Your partner has to confront her. He is entitled to a life of his own, which includes a partner of his choosing. He is entitled to tell her that in his house you are to be treated courteously. What he can’t do is compel her to start being a bit more adult about this or making more time for him. What you can do is reassure him that he’s doing all he can, if he is making his expectations clear to her. He isn’t responsible for her now, so what she does about it is up to her.
As for paying £100 a month, that’s next to nothing. What a pity she isn’t a bit more grateful.
I wish you all the very best.
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