A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents and grandparents keep buying me things I don't want or need. In the last week I got two puffer vests, a pair of cheap trainers and a shirt two sizes too big. I appreciate the gesture, but the regular buying of things I don't need just because they're a "good price" is really clogging up my apartment. I also get some really inappropriate things for my age for time to time, my mum bought me a loom band kit cause I "would have liked it when I was a child". I'm 22 and don't plan on having children of my own anytime soon.They have sometimes offered to take things back if I don't want them but I know this will really hurt their feelings if I do ask them to do that. That's just how they are as people. I also know they'll be hurt if I ask them to stop, I imagine they'll consider me ungrateful. I'm considering trying to sell some of the things I've been given (I live in a different city so they probably won't really know either way) but I feel guilty doing it. I know money can be tight in my family and they're just trying to help but buying things I don't need isn't helping anyone's financial situation. I feel like the compulsive buying links to deeper problems for them. What do I do in this situation?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 June 2016):
 I do think that they want to be needed and appreciated. To them you are still their loved girl. It is their way to stay in touch. Maybe occasionally send them a funny joke or a picture of a place you visited that week or a lovely view you recently saw, so that they know they are in your thoughts.
Thank them individually for all their efforts to look after you and demonstrate their support for you. Affirm that you do know that they care.
Follow that up with an individual note for each one of them. Refer to above conversation, such as ''it was lovely to catch up with you and thank you for understanding that I really appreciate how much you care. However due to space considerations I cannot keep on accepting all these gifts any more as I have no room left for anything else'' Mention that your place is crammed to the max with far too many clothes and shoes and everything else.
Confirm again that you know they care and that they have been very generous to you, but it's become overwhelming.
You might like to mention that you'd feel happier if they did something nice for themselves instead.
But if they persist that they want to help then you could raise in the discussion that in some families all present giving ceases for anyone over a certain age.
In my family we give presents to the children and between husband and wife.
The children are encouraged to make something as a present or do something.
My youngest recently cooked the evening meal entirely and received some great feedback.
Mention that in many families gift sharing between adults is limited to just between spouse to spouse and vice a versa.
I do make three exceptions to this - my two best friends who I've known since school - we do choose to exchange birthday presents over a birthday lunch.
And the third exception is I do make a really nice birthday cake for an elderly relative and that always seems to delight. And gets talked about for weeks. I used to do the same for my late mother in law and she loved how high the triple sponge cake with cream was. Decorated with strawberries on top.
If your relatives do still insist that they still want to give you something for birthdays or Christmas or both then suggest a minimum amount $ value Gift Card (from one nominated outlet) would be much more convenient and useful.
If you receive more than one gift card you can aggregate them once a year (or up to just before the expiry date) to buy one major really useful thing that you really do want.
Make sure you thank them on receipt of the gift card and again when you choose
the gift for you.
You may be right about it being an emerging problem. I suggest that they want to be useful and appreciated.
Is there a volunteer place where they could volunteer? Some very large hospitals and heritage places have a volunteer group where they are able to put in a couple of hours a week of really useful volunteer help. In those very large hospitals with volunteers the volunteer will often walk a person to the right area or advise where to find the place a person needs to visit.
In heritage places it can include walking around explaining the history of a place or greeting visitors on arrival at the heritage place.
If they have more energy they could join a walking group.
Hope you are able to resolve this.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 You just think they will get hurt if you ask them to stop. But you should ask them even so. You don't like it, and I know that if they knew how you felt, they wouldn't be buying you all sorts of stuff all the time.
Alternatively, you can ask them if they feel okay with you giving the stuff away to thrift shops or other places, when they give you things you don't need.
You should be honest about this! Let them know how you feel, that is the only way to make it stop. I had to do the same, I had to say no very firmly for it to stop. Just tell them you appreciate the thought, and that you are grateful, but that you do not wish for them to buy you things. Tell them you already have everything you need, and if you were to need something extra you will let them know.
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