A
female
age
51-59,
*eardrop3
writes:Hi I have been with my partner for over a year.He has a 17 year old daughter who is controlling.About a month ago when they had an argument she told him that she hates where she stays and wants to stay with her Mum who was the bad one in my partner's R/S and that she was only staying cos of school this hurt my partner very much that he started going to counselling to sort things out.Throughout the R/S she would always text/phone wanting something (apparently she did this too b4 we met) but it drove me mad so we split for a month.He said he would sort her out (yet again!!!) but my patience is wearing thing especially as I said I would wait for him (she is here till next Aug till she leaves for Uni)He said he would toughen up but yesterday I caught him buying sweets for her who has no respect at all for him and is one selfish spoilt brat.He does/did over compensate for what happened with his Ex and OMG does she milk this.Am just so angry about it and it's a bad time too as his Dad passed away last week so he is organising the funeral ect.Am hurting cos he keeps saying he will sort but I don't think both of them will change!!I have told him that I will see him at the funeral and that I will support him but I don't think I want to see him this weekend cos of anger! Can anybody advise me? Thanks x
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female
reader, teardrop3 +, writes (7 August 2011):
teardrop3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have asked and he is getting counselling for it. His daughter has been spoilt since she was little and is expecting everything even though she is 17.His counsellor even told him that she needs to learn too and to stop demanding as she has to learn that he has to have a life too but he is finding it very hard to that's why I am trying to help him you see..last night she texted 3 times wanting something so....yeah maybe you are right we are possibly not right for each other after all....yes I have a 17 year old girl too but she is independant but knows I am there for her at the same time but does not text with demands but only in emergencies x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Sorry that you feel picked on, OP- I think this happens because you are missing the point, which is simply: his kid, his rules,his choices. You think that he may need your help to make better choices, but it is not necessarily so.
You have grown your kid and built a relationship with her/him according to your ideas,-his can be different, not necessarily worse. For instance, not in each and every household 17 y.o.girls are expected to share house chores, in mine, I was not, ... and I did not grow up to be such a horrible spoiled monster after all ( of course you only have my word for that :)
Or, you find shocking that he went into a bit of debt to buy her an expensive gift a Xmas - well, right or wrong that is what MOST people do at Xmas. They stretch their financial limits a bit in favour of their loved ones. You do not agree with this policy,-he does. He is an adult and -hopefully- capable to manage his finances,and his daughter too.
There are many different ways to do the same thing- like, raising a kid. Everybody has got their own system and think it is the absolute best- which is no reason though to try imposing it on your partners, and most of all is an almost certain way to make them get sick of you.
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A
female
reader, teardrop3 +, writes (6 August 2011):
teardrop3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut that is just it he can't make decisions as he is too scared that he will upset her and that is why I am trying to help him. However I have taken all advice on board and now going to step back and let them get on with it but not sure if I will hang around while he runs off to every demand and the fact that we can't plan days together because of that. Thank you to everybody that responded x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I'm sorry, but you asked for opinions. You can't ask people not to criticize a situation when that's what they believe based on the given situation. I understand that you're just trying to help your boyfriend but in the end, he should be able to make the decisions when it comes to his daughter. If she doesn't grow out of this behavior then in the future she will learn the hard way that you can't always behave so immaturely. So give your boyfriend your opinion, but don't try to force him to treat his daughter a certain way. That could ruin your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, teardrop3 +, writes (5 August 2011):
teardrop3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry but I have been misread here entirely.....I am not jealous of her at all and I am not trying to make him decide between the two of us....no way as I have a 17 year old also...my partner and I do not live together either. What I am trying to help him with is to try and stop her doing what 9 year olds do even though she is 17 as I am worried about her going to Uni and getting picked on if she keeps the attitude up...she has no respect for her Dad at all and he is beginning to realise that.She hardly does anything around the house but expects everything left right and centre. He thought nothing about spending over a £1000 on her at Christmas time and now he is in a bit of debt because of this..so please don't put me down whereas I am trying to help before it gets worst.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): The fact is you are talking about his daughter, and if you push him too hard or try to make him chose between you and her, he will always chose her. By the sounds of it your jealous of her and the relationship they have because his love for her is not based on how she behaves, but simply because she is his daughter. The fact is that no matter how old his child is, he will always love them and always be there for her. You need to find a way to get over your anger or move on and find yourself a man who has no children and who can make you the center of their world, which is what it sounds that you want. Whether he is over compensating or not is his decision in the end. If you continue being angry and getting involved in something that in the end isn't really any of your business you will be the one who loses. I hope that you can find a way to work it out.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Hi,
This kind of situations are complicated, but common.
I am sure the daughther is a spoil brat, but
#1 she's a teenager, you should know that. Its hard years, they are very moody, defensive and sensitive. In her case worst, because her parents are recently divorced, and girls are usually very protective of their fathers, and very jealous.
#2 don't take it personally. You are the new woman in her fathers life. Of course she's jealous of you. No matter what you do, what you say, for now she's not going to like you. Hopefully, with time, when things start getting serious, she'll accept you, learn to respect you.
#3 your boyfriend (her father) please, be supportive of him. I am sure he loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have you in his life, but he's in the middle, trying to make you happy, also needs to make his daughther happy. That's his daughther, rather she's a spoil brat or not. Also he must feel guilty because of the divorce, for not be able to give her a normal, happy life, so this is his way of making her happy. Doing what she wants, giving her material things.
The fact that, even though, his daughther is a spoil brat, taking care of her shows his character. He's a responsible, caring father.
If you truly love him, if he's worth your patience, then do whatever it takes to be with him. He seems like a good man. Its only another year, she'll be out going to college, soon enough, she'll be making her own money, get married, and have her own family. Hopefully, she will become a mature woman, realize the truth, become good friends with you. Hopefully, this is only a teenager phase.
Just think, do you love him? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Are you guys happy together, besides his family problems? If all yes, then fight for your love and happiness, I am sure at the end it will repay and be worth it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 August 2011):
So you are angry because he buys sweets
for his daughter ? And you in your mind have decided that she does not deserve them.
That sounds like run of the mill, garden variety, common jealousy to me. You are jealous of the attentions your partner is giving to another female, even if she is his daughter.You would prefer not to have to share the limelight, which is understandable, and yet, forget it.It is not going to happen.This is his child, they necessarily will always have their own peculiar dynamics which not always you will be able to understand or to approve. With kids it is like that,often.You do not do nice things for them because they have been good or they behaved , you do them because you WANT to. Hard to accept for a critical,jealous step parent. But, either take it in stride and avoid to interfere in their relationship-or get yourself a childless guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Why are you angry? Sorry but this is between your boyfriend and his daughter. You should bit your lip when it is between them. Yes its upsetting for you to see your man hurt but just be there for him and stop critising how he is handling the situation.
We all deal with situations in our own way to the best of our ability.
He comes with baggage and if you cant handle the fact that his daughter is his main priorty and not you then leave. I can guarantee that his love for his daughter trumps that of a woman he has only known for 12 months and rightly so.
His daughter is seeking attention because her parents are separeted and now there is a new woman in her dads life that makes him happy and is now getting some of the attention she would of had wholey.
You have all got to try and live with each other and this man should not be used as a piece of rope in your toug of war with his daughter. That is so unfair. Your the adult here and remember that and stop acting like a stroppy teenager too.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 As the step-mother to three girls, two of whom live with us, (and yes, all through their teenage years!!) I can say from experience, that this will not change. You have no control in how he handles things with his daughter. The best way to handle the situation, is to just let it go. It is his call, she is his daughter. If you say negative things about his daughter, he will take it personally. Just relax, she will grow up one day, soon hopefully. She is not your responsibility, so don't take any of their problems on board. Just be there for your partner, and he does need your support, not your criticisms. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.
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