A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm very confused with my behavior as of late and wish I could understand the underlying psychology here.I dated someone who was good to me for the first 3 weeks and then it was a like switch flipped. He stopped caring and pursuing me and often ignored me for plans with his friends. We had a long history of friendship before dating and I had always really liked him. I saw the good in his character and always hoped that the initial guy who make a reappearance. Thing didn't work out - hunting, family and friends were put above me and if I was lucky, I would get to see him for max an hour a week on a Sunday night in his car. We were on and off for almost a year an a half, mostly because I continued to struggle with him not loving me. He was back on dating apps, at first lying that it was his friends who made the account and then became very up front with me saying that we would never work out. It's hard to admit but I stayed around because I really liked some aspect of him.Flash forward to today - I have started the very beginning stages of pursuing a relationship with an old coworker of mine. He's beyond wonderful, we get along very well, have the same morals/values/sense of humor. I'm attracted to him and enjoy long conversations about everything and anything that crosses my mind. He's the kind of person who I feel I can really be myself in front of. He would do absolutely anything I needed or wanted because that's the person he is.My problem is that I'm almost scared of this new relationship. I haven't yet but find myself almost wanting to push the new guy away. After months of not talking to my ex, I texted him and asked how he was doing.It saddens and worries me that I have the most incredible man in front of me offering me whatever I want, and I still want to run back to an ex who not only doesn't want me but treated me like crap before. If I listed out the qualities I wanted in a husband, this new man checks all the boxed. My ex doesn't check a single one. What is wrong with me??
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): Your confusion and misgivings comes from holding-on to that ex; because your ego was hurt by his rejection. You can't get past the fact he never saw you as a priority; therefore, you never got his validation. Friendship wasn't enough; but it was all he had to offer you.
I'm not being mean, but I'm going to be tough to provoke your thought-process. To help you to regroup your feelings.
Leave him alone. He's done with you. What do you care how he's doing? There should be no contact, from now until forever. If you happen to cross-paths; say hello, and be on your way. You're an adult now. A grown-woman with the judgement and the power to make your own decisions. He has no power over your emotions; yet you won't break the link! You're bitter about his letting you go. As if the years before meant nothing to him. They did, he's just not in-love with you.
Do any of the following facts resonate with you?
He doesn't bother to contact you, he doesn't care to to ask how you're doing; and he broke-up with you, with the reasoning it would never workout. Even when you were together, you were infatuated and frustrated. His interests all lie with his friends and other activities. Not YOU! You had to do all the work to make it happen. You couldn't force it to be what you wanted it to be; no matter how hard you tried. Therefore; it was not meant to be.
You stubbornly won't accept his rejection; and you're willing to hurt someone else in your own resentment of it.
Only, you will also hurt yourself in the process. Your ex will be just fine. So read your own post, and explain the logic. Where does any of it make any sense?
You were graced and blessed with another opportunity to find love. A much better prospect and a golden-opportunity.
Your crushed-ego is dominating and overruling your common-sense. You can't feel good about yourself; unless you can convince your ex he should care about you. He should feel like he gave-up or lost something. He should be suffering about it. Well, he's not! You're the one stuck in the past. Jeopardizing everything in the present, and in your future!
You made a bad choice, and you tried to turn a once-upon-a-time friendship into more than what it was. The odds in that happening are pretty low to begin with. Friends belong in the friend-zone; and that transition sometimes doesn't completely turn into romance. Sex can change it, but won't guarantee it will last as a romance; or evolve into anything more, or better.
Delete your ex's phone number from your phone, and your memory. Concentrate on what's in-front of you, and don't look back.
You have to pay close attention to what you have, and what you're doing; to be sure it is exactly what you think it is. It may only come just this once, at this point in time; and many years may pass before it happens again. Your ex doesn't deserve any control over your destiny, or your future.
Otherwise; stop wasting this man's time. Continue on your wild-goose chase for someone's affections that were never yours to have in the first-place. The new-guy will get-over you, just as your ex did. You'll be the one left hurting, and in regret.
Now stop and think about what I've said; and what the aunts and the other uncle have said.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 June 2018):
 I agree, CUT the contact with the ex. The relationship was not a healthy one. And there is NOT NEED for you to keep tabs on him.
I think the reason you are still fixated on your lousy ex is because you are having a hard time ACCEPT that he didn't REALLY love you and that he rejected you. That still stings. That is probably also why you WASTED a year and a haft in an on'off thing with him, to try and show and convince him that you ARE worthy of love.
And if you look kind of carefully YOU are doing to this NEW guy what your EX did to you. In the sense that you know this new guy wants to get to know you - but you rather look over your shoulder at a useless ex.
You are rejecting the new guy with your actions. Because you are worried that HE might reject you like the ex - so you SABOTAGE the budding romance by chasing AFTER some ridiculous ex that NEVER cared for you and didn't work out.
You are not over what happened with the ex. You are still dragging around all that emotional baggage and potentially hurt this new GREAT guy. (you haven't done it yet but you might - according to you "haven't yet but find myself almost wanting to push the new guy away. ")
I think you need to figure out how come you let some loser walk all over you for a year and a half and then you STILL chase after him. UNHEALTHY!
You KNOW this new guy is a good thing. Do you really think that you do NOT deserve a man like that? That a man like that can't want someone like you because your shitty ex didn't?
Also... why are you talking husband check list? You wouldn't know whether this new guy is someone you can even make a go at it right now, so it's WAY premature to say he checks all the boxes. That is unknown until you have KNOWN him and been with him for a longer while. And you are still chasing this ex!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 I would suspect you are scared of the unknown, or scared that this new guy will suddenly "flick a switch" and become like your ex did.
Stay away from your ex. You know he is no good for you. You are chasing something you can't have and don't really want because it is familiar.
Take things slowly with this new guy until you feel more comfortable. Don't put him on a pedestal. He is not perfect. Nobody is. However, acknowledge he is a good man and that you two could be good for each other.
Good luck.
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