A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This conversation put tears in my eyes but I said nothing, I just sucked it up. Now I think that as conversation was on IM so maybe I misunderstood and I had no reason to be upset.HiI would need some honest opinions about this conversation because i am really confused.This conversation put tears in my eyes but I said nothing, I just sucked it up. Now I think that as conversation was on IM so maybe I misunderstood and I had no reason to be upset.We have a casual relationship lasting for some months and he says many times he likes me so I was a bit surprised ..Him: I am reading this biography and you remind me her a lot ..Me: ??Him: same f*cked up personality ;)Me: WowHim: ok let say “complex, interesting and problematic”, better :PMe: I do not see myself like that but it could be the perception other people haveHim: It is mine, trust meAnd we continued talking about something else but this conversation made cry.Was this a joke ? Am I being emotional ? Does he really think this ?Another thing is I was REALLY sad but I said nothing. I never say when something bothers me, I do not know why. Mainly because I am afraid he thinks I am childish, or demanding, or annoying, or needy .. So I sucked it up. But now it made me cry and probably it will stay in my mind forever. And perhaps he just didn’t realize how hurtful words can be or maybe is just that the IM can be confusing … So should I tell him or now is way too late ?Thank you for your opinions … Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 While I suppose a lot would depend on whose biography it was (if Sylvia Plath - it's not a compliment) but it does sound like he was trying to be funny and not succeeding.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): i would have said they were mostly compliments if you had just asked what “complex, interesting and problematic" meant. and since you are crying over it, maybe you are f'ed up personality :). chill, its mostly a compliment.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Two possibilities. They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but I think it's more likely one or the other, not both.
1) Sarcasm is impossible to convey over IM, and this was just a joke in poor taste that you took too seriously. It could happen to anyone; who hasn't made a bad joke at the wrong time? Tell him you're sad and he'll apologize, but if you really want to feel better, just think about all the nice things he's done for you.
2) You really *are* problematic and dramatic. This makes you... well, about average for a chick. Two sentences made you cry, after all. Fortunately, he may simply expect that of women, and be ok with it - in fact, I've met many women who consider it a badge of honor; maybe he assumes you do too.
Either way, there doesn't seem to have been any malicious intent. I'd advise against discussing this with your girlfriends, who will only dissect the statement and make it worse. Your best bet is to re-affirm your relationship by going out somewhere, having a good time, and putting it behind you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 I honestly think it was a misunderstanding. It sounds like a compliment to me !
Ok, "f...ked up personality " is not a compliment,but the emoticon shows he means it in a joking ,non -aggressive way. And "complex,interesting and problematic "- well, If something would say that about me, I'd like it a lot.
Why, would you prefer to be defined "bland,boring,and predictable " ? Complex,interesting, and problematic - it is cool. It means that you are multifaceted, intriguing, that you are capable of surprising people. Maybe you did not like the "problematic " word, but I don't think he means it like in "you are a ballbreaker ", I think he says that
you are challenging,intense- something like that.
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A
male
reader, Arcturius +, writes (23 September 2010):
This is easy, you've answered your own question actually. You said "We have a casual relationship" thats the answer. He feels more for you than he thinks he's justified in feeling and doesn't know how to tell you. He's tried to communicate this to you in round about ways, and you haven't caught on, and he feels vulnerable. Rather than blaming himself for his failure to communicate, he feels "at risk" of getting his heart broken, so he's blaming your "F****d up personality", because he thinks if that weren't true, you'd have caught on by now. You shouldn't feel hurt by his insecurities, you should decide whether or not you'd like to be more than casual with this guy, and if the answer is "Yes" then simply say to him (better in person or on the phone, not IM or some such) "It's ok that you like me, I like you too". Say that the right way and the only conversation you'll be having afterwards is a make out session.
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