A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles:) I am needing some honest advise here about my boyfriend. We dated for one year and have been living together for almost another year this coming June. So we have been together for almost two years now. I was married in the past and have two children. He was in the same exact situation. Living together has been a really great test for us. Hard in the beginning but we have grown close and we really do love each other. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.In the beginning of our relationship, he had mentioned that he was in fear of marrying again. He was cheated on by his ex wife. I can understand that. As time went on, he would casually bring up marriage to me in bits of pieces. example: He saw a beautiful hall and said "we can get married here." One time he told me that he thought he would never want to get married again but after meeting me... he is changing his mind. I was thrilled to hear that :) Well, it's been about one year since he has said anything like that to me... One beautiful Spring day, we were walking through the park. *Spontanously* I said "I think that we should get married here." He was quiet. I said, "So what do you think? He said... "okay" just like that... and nothing more was said. I am confused......? I don't want to put any pressure on him. I want *him* to want to marry me, not because I think that we should. I know the old saying " Why buy the cow if the milk is free?" Maybe it's the truth. Should i give him an ultimatum? Or do some people really believe that if your happy, why the need a piece of paper to prove it? What do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for everyone's help :))
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): My two cents?
You can't push someone to say no who was going to say yes.
Ideally yes you want him to marry you because he wants to.
But if he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't believe in it or he's seen that it doesn't guarantee anything, then you want him to marry you because you believe in it. In which case, he would effectively be doing it for you. Would you be happy for him to propose under those circumstances? Your call.
In my humble opinion, signing a piece of paper is not a big ask if he's confident he wants to commit forever.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (6 May 2013):
Are you crazy? You are very happy together and you want to give him the boot? Have you asked yourself why is this important to you. Why is this not important to him? Look, have a open conversation regarding your feelings about getting married. Maybe he is struggling with his passed or maybe he is just so happy with you and a little piece of paper doesn't mean anything to him.
If it is important to you tell him.....but to run away because of a ring and a piece of paper from a loving and caring relationship doesn't make sense.
All the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I can understand completely how you feel. People will say what difference does it matter if you're married or not, if you are happy. But for some of us, we dream of the man we love asking us to marry them. It is knowing he is willing to risk it all & believes in the two of you together.
I wouldn't give an ultimatum, because you wouldn't want him to propose under those circumstances. Only you can decide if he doesn't want to, if you are going to be content with living together.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 May 2013):
 If you give him an ultimatum and he marries you, will you be happy... is it the marriage you want or is it him WANTING to marry you?
My dad has been with his partner for over 17 years. He will not marry her. but I introduce her as my stepmom and call her QSM (quasi stepmom) to her face. She and my dad own their home together and neither wanted to marry for various reasons.
when I met my husband he told me he never wanted to get married he did not believe in it. I told him that was fine I did not want to marry again. He changed his mind and even up to the bitter end I kept saying we did not have to get married but he wanted/needed it so we did it. I do not love him any less nor would I be more inclined to leave him if we were not married but he likes having me as a wife vs a live in.
It's what matters to you
for me the only time I think two adults need to be married is if they are making babies.
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