A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure why I'm so upset and whether or not I should be. Little background info: I've been married for 3 years (we've been together for 6). We share common interests (the same profession, passion for diving, love for animals, we have two cats and a dog...) and we tell each other more or less everything. My husband had a very difficult childhood, being rejected from both parents at a very young age. Recently, he got really upset by a nightmare he had (in which he killed a doe, and was afraid that it was me) and that provoked him to tell me, literally drowning in tears, that when he was about 5 yrs old he had seen a kitten falling into a lake. He saved it and than threw it back into the water and watched him drown. He remembers every little detail and this is something that has been haunting him all of his life. He has even prayed for forgiveness (he's not religious). He has never done anything remotely similar since, what's more he has always taken good care of his (later, our) pets, abandoned animals etc. I listened to him and tried to remind him of all the problems he had as a child and how much he loves animals, honestly hoping that it would ease his pain.But, the fact is, his story upset me deeply. I even felt angry for a while, although I didn't show it. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to get rid of these thoughts... I'd be grateful for any suggestion. I almost wish he hadn't told me, because now I'm feeling as if it was me who had done it... Stupid, I know. But as I said, I can't get rid of these thoughts... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers! I think too that it would do him good to help animals in need. And I do agree that counseling would help him (I'm ready to go with him). Abuse is definitely the word, now when I think of it. His parents divorced and live (still do) in two different countries, so he was always thorn between them. As very young (about 4 I think) his mother insisted he should live with his father who was financially more stable at the time. He described it as having a nervous breakdown (he cried almost every day for a year!). His father was negligent and aggressive (still is, but can't hurt him as he used to). His parents sent him back and forth a few more times and by the time he grew up a bit, got used to the environment and when he could have handled things better with his father, he was forced to go and stay with his mother (about 17 yrs old). After that incident when he was 4 they never had a good relationship. In a nutshell, he played the role of his own mother and his own father.
I think he won't have any problem to accept the idea of counseling. The hard part will be finding a therapist. Thank you once more for taking the time to answer my post. I thought I was going crazy.
A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (13 January 2009):
 Abused children tend to act out. I have heard of abused children abusing animals. Sometimes that is a stepping stone for bigger abuses in the future. But, obviously not the case with your husband. A very small part of me wants to say this is normal. As sick as that sounds. Better put, this happens with abused children...
Has your husband been to counseling? I know that a hard childhood can haunt you for the rest of your life. And can effect relationships in the future. (I was an abused child. I can understand this part.) He may have unhealed wounds that even he is unaware of. This may be the reason for his nightmare. Dreams tend to tell stories of what has been locked away. Things he has pushed so far back in his mind that he may not even be aware of it anymore. Would he go? Would you go with him?
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (13 January 2009):
 First, on the dream thing... I came across this site and used it to pick apart a dream that I didn't understand. Maybe it might help the both of you to better understand that dream:
http://www.dreammoods.com/
Second... and I don't mean this to suggest any kind of mental illness on the part of your husband, but perhaps he should spend a little quality time with a mental professional... perhaps air somethings that he may be holding onto regarding his parents, his childhood... In his defense, assuming that his troubles were from an early age, I don't see it as being impossible that the kitten incident would be too unheard of for an abused child to do. I'm not condoning it in the least, but it's not surprising to me (note: I'm not a psychologist so take that with a grain of salt). As far as you being haunted by his accounting, perhaps it will help you if he helps himself to better understand where he was then and where you are now. Off the top of my head, unless you came from the same socially hostile environment he did, you don't have much perspective on what kinds of hell he might have been through...
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A
female
reader, sheribaby38 +, writes (13 January 2009):
 i think that was a very tramatic experience for him and im sure he has felt like a monster all his life for what he did. i think for him telling you it was his way of dealing with it. a secret he has been carrying around with him forever. just let him know you believe he is very sorry for that and you know he would never do it again. tell him that though it was a terrible thing he did he was 5 years old and he needs to forgive himself.make it up to little animals you find who need help. take them to a nice shelter where they dont kill them and put bird feeders out somehwere. maybe walk a old ladies dog who dont get out much as a volunteer. he will start feeling better about himself after that. i hope the nightmares stop. i can tell he has a good heart because he is so remorsfull over it. god will forgive him . we all have made mistakes in life.
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