A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently started dating a man who is 11 years older than me, we have known each other for a few years and been friends ever since. He was in a relationship until about 3 months ago and although it was always obvious that we found each other attractive, I never thought that we would be together because of the age difference and his relationship.We have gotten close over the last six weeks and he is wonderful: caring, kind, funny, etc. However, at the very beginning he frequently brought up our age difference until I told him that it did not bother me and that he should let it go. A few days ago we went out for dinner and he had a little too much to drink. At one point in the evening all of a sudden he became very serious and told me that he sometimes wondered looking at me what it was that I wanted from our relationship. When I asked him what he meant he said that he just didn't really understand me. That, considering a number of his previous personal issues, he wanted a relationship that was not complicated and happy, and that if things didn't work out it wouldn't be dramatic for him. I didn't know what to say on the spot so I didn't dissagree.Now thinking about it I do not know what to make of his comments. He is always a gentleman with me, we care for each other, trust each other, enjoy going out together, he has told some of our friends that we were together, and I know that he is not dating anyone else. However, although at this stage I am not currently looking for an extremely serious relationship (leading to commitments, moving in together, etc), I also do not want to be just "friends with benefits" in a relationship that can end from one day to the next without explanation.Should I just wait and see what happens and bring the subject up again in a few weeks or should I take what he said as a "he's just not that into you"? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, trueatheart +, writes (13 January 2010):
 It sounds as though this guy isn't ready for another relationship full stop. I mean come on, what relationship doesn't have complications, some bad times and a bit of drama? A very boring one in my opinion! If he only wants the good bits of a relationship then he obviously isn't really over his ex-partners and whatever may have happened with them. It's called 'emotional baggage'. He's obviously not ready for a real relationship with you and he'll probably run away at the first sign of an argument! You deserve better. Take care.
A
male
reader, Libra +, writes (12 January 2010):
You don't say how old you both are. 11 years at age 30 is not so "dramatic" as at say 50 years. However, think about some practical issues. You will both get older, and he may want to stay in and do very little in later years.
Men can get funny, and men can like to be looked after. It solves a lot of problems!! You need to think about the sort of relationship you envisage here. Also what does he want here. You might not be in full agreement in some areas, and try to define future expectations (if any).
Many people are wonderfully happy even with a largish age difference. You could be one of then, but be carefull.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 The way I see it, he is really falling for you, and he's scared. His feelings for you are overwhelming him.
I think he was expecting a more casual relationship...but this is developing into more than he bargained for.
If you care for him, and have no other agenda, wait and see how things go!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I don't know what he really meant with his comments, but to me it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship full of drama, that he doesn't want to be pressured into making a commitment and that he isn't sure if you ever want to be married.
I think you are underselling yourself to yourself by thinking you have to lower your expectations in order to fit in with this man.
Don't do that to yourself. He is only 3 months out of a relationship, depending on how long he was with this person, or how serious it was, or how badly it ended, he is going to need some time to heal, even if it was his idea to end it. That makes him emotionally unavailable to you. He may want to spend time with you and bask in your attention but I don't think he is willing to give too much to you.
Why not instead of agreeing to a relationship with him so soon in the dating game, you continue to see other men, you are allowed. Put your focus on yourself instead of him and don't worry about where this is going, it is simply to soon to tell. By putting your focus on yourself you will continue to make your needs a priority, you won't settle for less than you deserve or what you truly want and you will leave your heart open to other men who may actually be better and more suited to you than this one.
You are the prize he has to win, not the other way around, the minute you forget that, you lose your power.
So remember your heart belongs to you until you meet a man who is strong enough to stand up and claim you as the ONE he wants to be with forever and he has made a commitment of marriage to you...that is what you want, your happily ever after. And truth be told men do not commit to women until they ask her to marry...period.
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