A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship I don't see any future in and honestly I don't want to be in the relationship at all anymore. I'm 21 years old and I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years come this April. The saddest part is I have told my boyfriend this many times but the next day he will act as if nothing happened. Our relationship is arguement free, which used to be a blessing but now I just find it's more of my apathy that's tiring me out.I wouldn't say I have no trust in my boyfriend but there is little there. He lives in my house with my family pretty much rent free. He uses my car (because he doesn't have one) and whenever we go out I pay for the date everytime. His lack of ambition annoys me but whenever I bring that up I get a handful of lengthy promises thrown in my face that I'm sick of hearing. I could riddle them off in the same order with the same words because I've been hearing them for the past 3 years. I listen to them anyways because I hate being a nag.And these aren't half the reasons I have no faith in him. Most of it stems from the fact that almost a year ago I found out he was stealing prescriptions from my dad, overusing them and drinking on top of it. Since then he's cleaned up and since has had no substance abuse issues, but my trust in him is severly deflated.We have a routined/regular relationship that is so stale which is rediculous because we're still so young.And while it may seem I'm laying out all these cons of my boyfriend I have a flaw of my own; I fall in love with other guys like its a part time job. I day dream about other guys while I'm with him and as of the moment I'm in love with a guy I work with that I'm afraid to talk to because of how ashamed I am in myself.I find myself with only one excuse to stay with my boyfriend and it's because I love who he is and I just can't leave him because he would really have no place to go and no way to get anywhere (let alone work).I'm not sure whether I came here to ask a question, get help or if I just needed to tell someone, anyone the full story.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I see that you have included the precise, concise reply to your own "question" with this: "...I'm in a relationship I don't see any future in and honestly I don't want to be in the relationship at all anymore..."
Sooooo, what's the question. YOU send the cad on his way and get on with your life.....
What is the question??????
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe stole the medication from my dad and my dad's the one who discovered it after one really weird incident with my boyfriend where he was talking like he was going through alchol poisoning but swore he only had 2 beers. He was taking cocktails of xanax and painkillers. My dad was the one who confronted him about it and then told me that I couldn't say anything to my boyfriend about it because my boyfriend seemed really ashamed of it. I did nonetheless because that was something that didn't just have to do with my family but had everything to do with the trust in my relationship.
My father usually has a stock-pile of the meds because he only takes them when he needs them but fills the prescription anyway, so it took us till that sitauation to find out what had been going on.
I do see how the longevity of the relationship has made me comfortable in it but I truly don't think that's what keeps me.
My boyfriend's mother is his only resource of any sort. She's a crackhead. She puts him in debt whenever she can and she doesn't seem to give a real care for her any of her children. I can honestly say I hate the woman.
I can understand how there may be something that's contributing to my actions in this whole situation and I think it's how my family is. We've been through a lot together so we're a great support system for one another.
And as my dad seems protective over my boyfriend and his feelings; my brother had two seperate girlfriends live with us for short periods of time and they were short because he (my dad) would refuse that they could come back to the house.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 January 2012):
 This is not about codependency. I could sum up your entire post in just a few short sentences:
You're tired of the relationship, his lack of ambition, you losing your free single youth to this guy, and you want out.
Did I get it right?
I can't say I blame you! You've dated him since he was 15, and now he's sponging off of you and your parents, stealing drugs (I assume they're of the pain med or sedative variety?)
Do you hate your parents? Bet you never thought of that one. He puts your dad in extreme pain by stealing drugs from him. Doesn't matter that he says he "cleaned up". The recidivism rate is through the roof, and I guarantee that if he had picked up a baseball bat and started beating your dad with it, you'd throw him out of the house and break up with him.
His stealing your dad's drugs and putting him in pain because they were gone was just like him beating your dad, and you let it happen! I would have broken up with him the moment he was caught, no questions asked.
The fact that this guy has no place to go isn't your problem. He put himself into this situation, and now he needs to go. Why isn't he living with his own parents? Roommates? Friends?
Break up with him before you waste your entire youth, possibly have a little kid involved (then see yourself stuck with him for life), and for god sake do you even care about your parents in the slightest bit??? Do it for them if you don't have the guts to do it for yourself!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 You've been dating this boy since you were 16, and so you he pretty much someone you have grown up with and whose presence you have grown comfortable to, which is why you cannot seem to let go of him. But you must, because this relationship has run its course and is pretty much over. And you know it too.
A young boy having no ambitions and living with you and your parents is a big put-off. I'm surprised your parents even tolerate this! The reason he doesn't take your words seriously is because a.) he knows you will never act upon them and (b.) this is the best, most convenient living arrangement he could ever have. Why would he give this up? He's useless, has no ambitions, is living off your parents, is not answerable to anyone...for someone who has no self respect, this is an ideal situation!
OP you need to break up with him and you need to do it in a way that he knows is over. Not just a feeble talk, but a strong NO. You are young and have a promising life ahead of you and he is just dragging you down. You are not his mom and his well being is not your responsibility. Where he lives or what he eats his HIS headache, not yours. DO NOT allow him to continue living at your place once you are broken up with him, because its not fair to your parents too. Why should they bear the responsibility and finances of an additional person?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 January 2012):
Your boyfriend isn't the only co-dependent one, you are too because you are half of this relationship and it takes two to have a relationship. That doesn't meant that it is all your fault (of course it's not) but you have to acknowledge your own role and your own contribution in this situation.
How codependency works is there is one person who is the one with the primary 'issues' like drug addiction, alcohol addiction, other mental health issues that are out of their control, and so on. This person relies on other people such as their boyfriend or girlfriend in order to live a normal life because they can't handle things on their own due to their dysfunctionality. THis person is the "dependent" partner.
But the more functional partner, the one who props up the dependent person, is the CO-dependent because you're doing your part to maintain the status quo. If you were to leave him, there would be no more co-dependent relationship. He might then form a co-dependent relationship with a new person, or he might - just might - finally take responsibility for himself out of necessity, because there's no one to prop him up and accept his dysfunctionality and make excuses for him anymore.
Co-dependents, such as yourself, usually don't intend to get into this kind of a relationship. You probably did not go out searching for someone who had issues and needed "rescuing" and then deciding that this is the kind of relationship you wanted, right? (some people do seek out such destructive relationships...) rather, you are simply a very kind hearted and caring individual who had the misfortune of getting involved with a dysfunctional partner and got sucked into this kind of relationship. But that doesn't mean that you don't have some responsibility for this situation either. A lack of personal boundaries on your part, or bad communication skills, or bad relationship skills, can also exacerbate your involvement and get you stuck even deeper into this kind of relationship.
Conflict avoidance is a slow subtle killer of relationships. High conflict and conflict-avoidance are opposite sides of the same coin. Some people are conflict avoidant because they have had previous bad experiences with high-conflict relationships and thus now they want to avoid conflict at all costs so they refuse to talk about anything. This isn't good either, it's just as bad but in a different way because problems don't just go away by themselves in relationships as long as the relationship continues. conflict avoidance may be the best way to deal with situations where a relationship isn't deep or ongoing (for example an argument with a stranger you'll never see again). But if the relationship is going to continue, the problems will be there whether you talk about it or not, and if you don't then there's no way for them to get resolved so they just pile up more and more in one partner's mind and cause a lot of resentment and anger towards the other person and eventually turns your mind and heart away from them. And when you're in a relationship with someone you don't actually like, there's nothing to stop you falling in love with other people...but...you can't do anything about it because you're technically with someone else so that's a pretty miserable place to be.
You could start by trying to be more objective about your relationship, and your contribution to creating the present situation you're in. for example, it's not your fault that he was abusing prescription meds, but the fact that you're still in a relationship with him means that you chose to stay despite how you feel, so that could be your contribution. Or, you accept him conflict avoidance, and accept his hurtful and dysfunctional behavior so he continues it.
Maybe you need to clarify why you feel this sense of obligation and guilt over leaving him, and why that's so overwhelming that it is justification enough to keep you in this miserable situation. if you have to find an "excuse" to stay with your boyfriend, it sounds like you're afraid to leave him, so you might want to examine your feelings and thoughts on what you fear will happen if you leave him.
It could be that after years of this, now it's just all coming to a head where you can't continue like this anymore and you need to finally make a decision.
you can try to talk to your bf again, but you already have many times and his response is to simply pretend the next day like nothing has been said. To me, this means you're not under any obligation to continue to try harder because he's actively refusing to work on your relationship problems. I dont' see how he can or will change his behavior, if he doesn't even acknowledge that something needs to change. Therefore it's up to you to get yourself out of this unhappy situation.
"I just can't leave him because he would really have no place to go and no way to get anywhere (let alone work)."
So you're basically staying with him out of pity and a sense of responsibility for him (as is a typical co-dependent situation). There are other options besides continuing your relationship with him for this reason only. If you want to help him, you can continue to support him as a friend, but no longer be boyfriend/girlfriend. He's an able bodied adult, he should be able to support himself like all other able bodied adults. You could also end your relationship as bf/gf, but continue to let him stay for awhile at your place while he looks for work and a place of his own. Of course it is also certainly an option to simply end the relationship and with that, ask him to move out and from then on it's his own responsibility for find a place to stay and get a job, that is entirely appropriate because as an adult he should be supporting himself anyway.
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