A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wanted to put an opinion out there...I have posted questions and answers about porn, spoken to girlfriends and read endless articles about men and womens views on porn.One thing seems glaringly obvious yet so often overlooked by men - using porn and upsetting your wife/partner/girlfriend = LESS actual sex!!!!Personally the more my hubby uses porn the less I want to be intimate with him, and many women I speak to feel the same. Surely the idea that if you treat your partner respectfully that leads to lots of lovely sex isn't so hard to believe?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 February 2012):
I still contend that the porn and more general sex industry is a result of sexually frustrated men (mostly). A man in a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship will glance at porn like you would glace at a new car or anything else that takes his interest, but he certainly doesn't invest time and money to persue it. I think there is no acurate of the global value of the sex industry but I am sure it would dwarf the biggest global companies. It makes money and people pay for it. It is sad that the amazing technical development of the internet has been hijacked by porn. Estimates put porn usage over 50% so I am told. I am shocked that cable tv deliveres porn unrestricted into our homes, and that we have to try to educate our children to understand what its all about. What comes next with 3D and virtual reality is mind boggling.
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Regarding your latest update: Good news, though the reported resolution may be fleeting. Porn is addictive, though you do seem to have a realistic attitude that he will likely always use it at times. Hopefully, he will be able to balance the porn with a healthy sex life with you, his wife. It should not be a marriage breaker these days, but it can be detrimental if it gets out of hand (no pun intended, or maybe it would be better).
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Thank you for your update, if your husband and you have managed to have a positive talk, and as a result have become closer and more romantic, then that is wonderful and we are happy for you. No matter if you hate it or he likes it, porn should never win.
Good luck and keep the communication channels flowing.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 February 2012):
 That's horniness, nothing whatsoever to do with sperm production though. Women get irritable and horny and have sex dreams when they don't orgasm for awhile too. It's not a male thing.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 February 2012):
and as a PS to Person12345, I can confirm that the need for release definately feels biological even if it isnt. And why wait 72 hours for sperm to be absorbed when I can deal with it in a few minutes. And what happens to the new build up in the 72 hours?? Hmm, absorbtion doesn't turn me on I'm afraid.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 February 2012):
I agree that women have sex drives and can get the same stress, frustration, etc because of it there are a few really big differences. 1. Most women are only really horny a few days a month, for men it is continuous. 2. When a woman wants sex with her man he rarely says no. 3. When a woman wants sex and doesnt have a man she can usually find one. 4. Women also enjoy masturbating but, from my limited experience on this they don't enjoy or need the visual stimulus as much as men.I think it is a fairly accepted norm that most men will use porn some time. I consider myself very normal in this respect and have been a consumer since I was about 14! As a student I worked in a video library in a fairly small community and everyone rented porn. Fathers with small children, doctors, priests, policemen, friends, brothers of friends, fathers of friends, everyone, yes, and quite a few women too.What has changed is the availability made possible by the internet. This has without doubt resulted in a massive growth in use and abuse. I agree that most comercial porn is really abhorrent and often degrading. Also the internet makes addiction much more possible. However, to the OP and those women who have a problem with their husbands and/or partners I would suggest that porn use is a result and not the cause. Our wives and husbands are our best friend and best friends shouldn't upset each other. We talk and understand and work out compromises, that is what relationships are about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Youwish,Thanks for posting your opinion. I would like to say that I do not have a chip on my shoulder about men, and what do you know about my "poor husband" apart from the fact that he uses increasingly extreme kinds of porn?Are you suggesting that men only use porn in an unhappy marriage?I have no issue with sex drive/masturbation. I do not have the naive opinion that you must only have sex with your partner whenever you feel horny. I sometimes don't feel like having sex and prefer to do it myself for ease as I imagine most people do, both men and women?I also do not browbeat him about it, i'm trying to explain how I feel about what he's viewing and my concerns that I think he is getting desensitised. I don't accept a "put up or get lost" from him any more than I would want to say that to him if he had a particular issue with me. To me that is not a healthy relationship. To give the other posters an update we did speak about it last night once the children were in bed, and after listening to each other he came to bed with me instead of sitting up on the computer and guess what!!!! Lovely sex x 2!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): It really does all come back to women telling us guys what we feel, what we need, what we want, how our body works and who we are without actually listening to us at all.
It does cause problems but it takes two to tango, it takes two to reach a compromise but the women who are against it will never do that, never. Well porn's popularity is growing, not only amongst men but among a lot of women too. Men who watch porn are always labelled by the "anti" brigade as people with dysfunctions, as sexual deviants or that there is something wrong with us and our respect for women. Well what about the women that watch it and enjoy it? Why do you never mention them nor ever take their opinions into account, because you're sexist that's why.
"that speaks volumes and instead of guys trying to convince themselves and others that there is nothing wrong with it, they are seriously in denial, do not have the level of respect for women they should, or quite possibly have sexual problems themselves."
This is exactly the problem, why would we want to be with a woman who is so myopic and judgemental? We don't agree therefore we must be deluded and weird. I let my girlfriend read your post and she thinks you're just bitter about one failed relationship and looking to blame porn over your own inadequacies because it's easier to blame men and our faults than to acknowledge your own. So you can blame us guys all you want but she thinks even less of your opinion than I do and she's a woman.
I've used porn since I was a teen, I've had plenty of successful relationships and am currently in one with a woman for nearly 7 years now. You see she too likes porn, yet she isn't going to be criticized by the army boots shaven headed sisterhood for liking or watching it. Somehow it's only us guys that provoke your fury. Yet I thought you were trying to help women here, yet my girlfriend watches it, uses it to get off and enjoys it, yet you don't mention women like her, you don't even consider their opinions and you insult her by assuming she's some kind of downtrodden little tramp to allow me to watch porn and for her to watch porn.
For the record as a porn using woman she uses it for the exact same function as a vibrator. A tool to get off quickly, so in her female opinion the comparison is not only accurate it's one that fits perfectly, in her opinion women who deny that is the case really don't have a basis for comparison so how would they know? Even when women like her and Miamine tell you it is the same, women who use both porn and a vibrator, you cast down their views because you don't want to be wrong, you'd rather be right than consider any other opinions.
You see we share porn, she knows my niche and I know hers and if she finds something she knows I will enjoy she will pass it on. We have a very healthy loving relationship, we've had ups and downs like every has but we've never once argued to the point where we wouldn't talk to each other, we've never been in the situation where we've had any reason to distrust the other either. 7 years and the worst things that have happened between us were quite minor, solved quickly and we grow closer every day we're together.
The fact that this is something we share lets me know that the stuff I watch isn't the degrading, abusive kind. I wouldn't accept that and neither would she. She is a strong willed, very independent woman with quite a strict moral code, the same as me. You see what people don't get is that just because there is shit porn out there with a woman being pissed on slapped etc. doesn't mean that's what all guys watch. I've been using it for nearly 20 years, you kind of learn to spot these things in this time. Seriously, spend 20 years doing something and you will know what's good and what isn't. You can tell us guys that you know more about it than we do, you can tell us how our brain works better than us or you can try listening to us for a change. But you won't. Again you'd rather be right.
Many of you women will have used makeup for the past 20 years, you know what works on your skin don't you? You know what looks good, what shade of foundation won't leave an orange mark on your neck, what fake tan matches your foundation and gives a healthy glow, what mascara doesn't leave clumps. 20 years gives you a lot of knowledge about things doesn't it? Then why do you assume we guys are all idiots that after so long using something we can't somehow tell the difference between what is degrading and dehumanizing to a woman and what isn't? Yeah lots of guys like that kind of stuff and there are plenty of guys who have their concepts of making love ruined by it but there are plenty of girls that plaster on a tonne of makeup too and think it makes them look good. They're not a representation of all of you are they, so why label all us guys as deviants then for watching something that isn't wrong to us.
The funny thing is I've only ever really known and dated girls like Miamine. Ones that either don't care about it or use it themselves. Open minded women that listen to what us guys have to say about how we feel about things, and aren't going to try and impose their views on us. I guess I've been lucky really because if there are so many women out there that get so much from porn and the numbers of people including women who either like it or don't mind it far outweighs the numbers of you that don't. The anti-brigade are a fading minority. Because your views are extreme and uncompromising on a subject that people are less and less willing to be told what to do on. You simply will not try to see things any other way but your own, well why would we pay any attention to the views of someone like that?
In a previous discussion about this with person12345 we broached the topic of dehumanization in porn. That I didn't see these men and women in porn movies as people just mounds of flesh there as a tool to give me pleasure, actors playing a role. She convinced me to delve a bit deeper into the subject and examine it for myself and I came to conclusion that she was right. You do have to keep some of the human aspect of the person you're watching or there is a danger that you may look past things like degradation and abuse, so I listened to her, I took on board what she said and I altered my view according my new findings. You see that's the definition of compromise and having and open mind, you see listening to her and carefully considering her view did in fact give me something good and for that I'm thankful. If I was like you and just wasn't willing to even consider other perspectives than my own then I would have missed out on that.
Unfortunately nothing I have said in this thread has given any of you food for thought because you're not listeners when it comes to porn, you have extreme views and won't compromise on them, you won't even consider that maybe it will improve you life to do so and for that I pity you because this situation is one that makes you unhappy and yet there really is nothing that's going to fix that for you because you won't consider any other opinions.
I mean that rage against men website is exactly the kind of woman that even women don't like listening to, an uppity person who thinks they know better than anyone and won't consider the views of others.
It's simple, porn is like music, mainstream porn and music is cheap, trashy exploitation. Pre packaged popular bullshit that that is sold en masse to make a lot of money for a tiny minority of people. but just like music not everyone that likes pop is an idiot that only likes pop, we all have varied tastes in things and most of us have an intelligence beyond the simplistic definitions the bra burners and those others with extreme views would like us to believe.
It's simple, if a person questions your character and your worth as a person because you do something they consider wrong yet you don't then they are a closed minded fool and not worth listening to.
OP the only advice I can give you is to have a nice long talk with your husband. You used to get porn for him before so why not some good free websites with some good quality porn that you're okay with and why don't you ask him to stick to that kind of stuff.
The pop porn is rubbish, it's cheap degrading crap, just like good music you have to search it out. So why don't you go find him some nice wholesome porn and places he can go to find that stuff. It's very likely he's just lazy about it and going for whatever he sees first with tits and cocks.
You said you're a woman of compromise and I do believe that, then why not redirect him a little and guide him towards porn you find more acceptable?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Women do not get a man's sex drive, plain and simple. There's no way on earth we can compare the physiology and psychology to our own. We can't comprehend that the way we feel having gone a month without sex is the same way a guy feels three DAYS without it.
We excuse bad behavior and moodiness to PMS and expect a guy to understand and excuse it. Why do we not show the same understanding towards a man's testosterone fueled sex drive? Of course, cheating, prostitutes, those are out. But if a woman is going to browbeat her husband about porn, then turn around and shut down on him sexually, what choice does he have? Cheating? Divorce?
Does a guy need porn? One would argue that no, a guy doesn't need it. However, society looks down on husbands who cheat or run off to strip bars, and many women with long-term marriages, kids, jobs, start to look at their husbands as just another obligation when they ask for sex. Our husbands deserve much more than half-hearted fumbles in bed as we're thinking about the next day's chores and faking it to get it over with.
Also, to a woman, "lots of lovely sex" could mean twice a week or three times if they're feeling horny. After 20 years of marriage, that could dwindle. See where I'm going?
OP, I think you might be screwed. You've got such a chip on your shoulder about guys in general and especially your poor husband. Let's say he tells you that he'll never ever use porn again. Will you actually immediately open the sex floodgates for him, or will you pout and withhold some more to pay homage to your bruised ego and desire to punish him for how he made you feel?
And then, let's say after a month, the sexual "silent treatment" comes to an end, and of course he's going crazy Will you have sex with him every time he asks? Are you willing to never go on vacation by yourself again? And are you willing to go the extra mile and make being sexually adventurous NUMBER ONE in your life, and not the afterthought after he's asked you 20 times?? Will you make love to him with more passion than you've ever done anything in your life?
It's easy to say "If he showed any respect, he'd quit". It's not easy to say "If I showed any respect, then we're getting it on twice per day and trying new positions and learning new ways to give mind-shattering oral sex".
I'm telling you -- at least open your closed mind about it and consider a different point of view, or you'll lose him. There's no way in hell that 50% of all divorces occur because of porn. Nope. No way, no how. I'd stake more on the fact that 50% of all divorces end because of a LACK of sex.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 February 2012):
You're not a "selfish bitch." This situation is exactly the same as back when men used to regularly visit prostitutes. They made the same arguments and the same "biology" excuses and women were forced to put up with it no matter how they felt, and of course there were some women who felt it was normal and OK. It was normal, just like porn use is normal, I don't think that makes it OK.
Also men do not have a biological need for release. Sperm that is not used is reabsorbed back into the body, the average length of time between ejaculations before that happens is 72 hours. It makes no difference biologically whether it's released or reabsorbed. Everyone gets horny and feels a strong want for a release, that's not unique to men. It's very irritating when men try to use the fact that they produce sperm as justification for anything because it's not. Sometimes I'm convinced that men think women don't feel horniness, masturbate, or have orgasms. We all get irritable and horny if we don't have an orgasm for awhile, that doesn't make it unique to men.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 February 2012):
The big problem is dear lady... many women hate pornography and want their partner to stop... but what if the man won't stop.. what happens then.
Many women who hate porn can share experiences, I can provide a link on dear cupid with hundreds and hundreds of women who feel like you do.
But what I notice is, they don't provide any solutions to the problem. Some claim that porn is bad, ok, but if it's legal to buy, then what happens next.
You can do certain things to decrease the amount of porn a man wants to use and the amount of time he spends on it. But I don't know of any way to make a man give up porn.
That's why the only solution is, if you hate porn and he likes it and won't give it up, then you must either accept this or leave the relationship.
I know it's not what you want to hear.. but until somebody comes up with a better solution, I have no idea what anything here anybody says is gonna help your situation.
Sigh... how about you show him this post, so he can see how distressed and upset you are, that you have to come and speak to strangers about the fact that his habits are killing your love and turning you off sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has offered advice and opinions :-)Thank you especially to the last 2 posters, you have given me comfort that I am not alone and not a selfish crazy bitch who has no idea about what "normal" men are like.I have been with my hubby for almost half of my life. We wouldn't have gotten this far without compromise. We also have 2 small children. Again parenting requires respect and compromise. Can anyone actually believe that any relationship could last that long if one person is as demanding as some people on here believe me to be? Like a lot of things in life I might not necessarily like or agree with I try to think "what's the harm". I do not try to make a battle out of every little petty thing.However I do see the harm in extreme porn and I don't class it as a petty thing.Oh and to answer an earlier question the reason I know exactly what porn he's been browsing is that we only have one computer at home and google makes it very easy to view browsing history!!! As for the earlier mentioned porn I used to buy it for him as he was too embarassed to go into the sex shop himself. Thank you again for all the posts. I do appreciate everyone who has posted, we may not share the same opinions but it never hurts to look at the other side of an arguement. I hope I can pick my self esteem of the floor soon and hope to resume marital relations again soon ;-) xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): OP, I think you are correct. I never encountered this problem when I was younger and dating....the internet was a fairly new thing, so it was guys renting porn. But when I got married, this just wasn't the norm as many guys claim it is, in my circle. Now, in my mid 40's I can't get over how easy it is to get and how many problems it causes in relationships, yet, some guys still claim it's the norm. I often wonder what age group these guys are, what their actual relationship history and current status is, what kind of lifestyle they lead, etc. and WHY they have so much time on their hands to be sitting around jerking off to porn. This is just not something I find even remotely acceptable when you are a father raising children...for crying out loud, some of those girls could be their daughters, and maybe that's why I can't relate because when I do see it, I think those girls are the ages of my daughters....how sad they have so little self respect to allow a man to do such degrading things to them, and how disgusting them men who have no problem watching them, just so they can get off...pathetic.
I dealt with this about a year ago.... I did find porn on my computer and I know it was my boyfriend at the time. We both have a high sex drive and really do have sex almost every day. The problem I had was kind of like you discribe...the more I knew about it, the less I wanted to be with him because it now made me guarded, insecure and emotionally hurt. How could this guy actually be jerking off to this with the amount of time WE were together. Someone suggested he was looking for ideas....hell no, I have no desire to immulate exagerated sex acts performed by whores. Fast forward, he was beginning to "introduce" things he never did before, and I am up for new, but it was so obvious porn, I got really turned off, and a little nervous. Then I started to get uncomfortable, and started feeling inadequate...something that was supposed to be intimate, between us, pleasurable was turning into a "show". Yes, all the porn watching was coming into our personal sex life and I had enough.... I could honestly tell when he had watched porn recently and when he hadn't it was that obvious. We did talk about it, mostly me talking and honestly, it's easy to say talk about it, but for us, we as women are caught between a rock and a hard place...I had no desire to embarrass the guy, or make him feel less of a man, so talking about it can clearly go in the wrong direction.
I have been sexually active for about 28 years and this is the first time in my life I have ever had to deal with porn and the problems it causes. I never had a guy who acted the way he acts with porn...it's unsettling.
There is a small group of people who constantly tell women to get over it, accept it, etc., all guys watch porn, it is what it is...That's simply BS. IMO, the amount of information, message boards, sites like this, with thousands and thousands of posters expressing the SAME opinion about the problems porn causes in their relationships blows away and back, the small amount who don't care, get over it, it's "normal", this is what guys do posters....that speaks volumes and instead of guys trying to convince themselves and others that there is nothing wrong with it, they are seriously in denial, do not have the level of respect for women they should, or quite possibly have sexual problems themselves.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (1 February 2012):
Wow what a lot of debate on such a simple topic. Its easy for a man to understand but obviously eludes some women (luckily not my wife!!) but the simple fact is that to a greater or lessor extent men need sex. We produce sperm continuosly and this needs removal. We either do it ourselves or we are lucky enough to have a partner to join in. For those men that are skilled enough to give their partner enjoyment so much the better and all are happy. I agree that most porn is really really grim and doesnt do anything for me, but when necessary it saves a lot of time when mastabating. The women that sound unhappy about porn should relax. I think for all men the interest is simply physical, we see the part of a womans body that turns us on, or the act itself, and we get relief. If you don't want your man doing this then the answer is simple: have more sex. Twice a day works for me :)
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reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2012):
I like this series a lot. Was the first thing I read when I started to decide something was not right about what was going on, particularly what I saw from arguments here. I was a user of it at the time.http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/To add, there is next to no true amateur porn out there. The videos of couples making love available free on the popular free sites are almost all made by the big studios. Those websites are owned by the biggest porn producers. Those websites increased profits for them by 40% in the last year.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): "I don't see how I can compromise on something that I view as so morally wrong." No you don't, because you find magazines and DVD's fine.
There is no abuse here OP and it's not men vs. women either. I wholeheartedly agree with Marieclaire for example. She has her objections, she makes it clear and if he won't stop then she'll leave him. I find nothing wrong with that. But then again if it's so wrong then why does she even want to date a guy who does something so despicable in the first place.
There is no abuse here OP, just opinions.
You talk about porn like there's only one type and it degrades women, bullshit. Those magazines and those porn DVD's were fine with you but you think all internet porn is about "cum sucking sluts"? No it's not and how do you know if your husband is watching that type anyway?
The internet is a wonderful tool that has allowed us variety, we can watch real couples making love or we can "cheerleaders go wild" or other such crap. 14 years you've been with this guy and you only have a problem with it now, even though you didn't with the other kind? Then it's your problem, you had no problem with the other porn, so just ask him to stick to that kind of stuff then.
It's not porn that's your problem OP, it's progress. Cum Sucking Sluts was available on DVD before there was an internet. Porn was never a Disney movie like thing. It's all objectification, but so are women's magazines which focus on a celebrities baby fat or cellulite.
How do you know your husband is watching that type of porn anyway? and what makes you think it's any less severe than the dirty magazines and dvd's he had before? The industry is far better regulated these days than it was when those magazines came out, there is just as much exploitation in Hollywood where even kids are subjected to the "casting couch".
I see you just came here to argue though, not for help. You just came here to tell us your view not even try and see another side of it and to enforce on us your opinion. Well good luck to you OP, that'll surely work on your husband too. Just keep making demands on him and see how far that gets you with him. Question his integrity ad respect for women by criticizing him for something he may not even be doing. Sabotage your marriage on an assumption.
Personally I find out the facts before I start jumping the gun. There's a hell of a lot of different stuff on the internet, not all porn is degrading to women or men and if you take the time to do your research on what he actually watches, if he's watching cum sucking sluts, divorce him.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
And then we always end.. with an attack on men...Problem is... women watch porn, men watch porn, lesbians watch porn and homosexuals watch porn... There is gay porn, there is straight porn, men act in porn and so do women...So how did it become about "It's a man's world".... what has that got to do with pornography which is also used by women too?PS: The vibrator thing.. this is the "blank wall" thing that was mentioned. Many men get upset with vibrator usage. Unlike porn it actually touches your body and through touch allows you to orgasm. The sensations from a vibrator are more intense than any penis. Many women find it easy to come using the vibrator and therefore prefer these orgasms to ones given through orgasm.But of course it's different.. it's a woman's pleasure after all.. it's not equivalent. Women finds it difficult to come so needs a vibrator, that's ok. Many men cannot come through masturbation without using porn but that is wrong.I totally understand.
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reader, Porn_Divorcee +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I was married for 12 years to a man addicted to porn, but they only knew about it for the last two years. During that time I saw him turn from a kind, considerate man into a self-loathing degenerate who loved porn more than he loved me.
If your I husbands/boyfriends smokes cigarettes or drink heavily should you just accept them the way they are? Would you not at least try to moderate their behavior to improve their health and quality of life? Of course you would! I feel the same thing applies to watching porn on a regular basis because there's nothing real about porn; it's actresses with hair extensions, makeup and silicone implants following a script. Why does a man need that in order to enhance his sex life? Whatever happened to imagination. What ever happened to talking it over with his wife or girlfriend?
It's time men stopped defending their bad habits started thinking about how the bad habits affect the people that love them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): The best quote for this topic from Ceberus.
"You shouldn't try to change someone just to suit you. You either love them for who they are or you go find someone else."
So true! +1
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course it is always the womans fault lol! It is a mans world after all!!!
I don't see how I can compromise on something that I view as so morally wrong. If it's no big deal to a fella then why the big deal not to use it?
Also I have not changed at all, we have only recently had internet for a few years, before that "porn" was magazines and a few dirty DVD's which were never a problem (obviously as we've been together over 14 years). The porn available now is jaw dropping and nothing short of abuse in a lot of cases. It's available 24x7, and the woman are degraded to "whore" "cunt" "Cum loving slut" etc.
Thanks for the abuse guys, you keep telling yourselves that you are right because of course you always are :-)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): My boyfriend sometimes watches porn, I sometimes watch porn, we sometimes watch porn together, and I own and sometimes use a vibrator.Why did I tell you all this? So I don't get the knee-jerk "omg ur biased against porn" when I say that porn use and vibrator use are NOT equivalent and should not be considered as such for purposes of logical debate.I don't have to see other people besides my partner naked to use my vibrator. It's a piece of plastic. There is NO danger that I'm going to begin craving or fantasizing about invisible partners with three-inch plastic eggs where their d**ks should be. Moreover, unlike the average male porn user, I'm one of the unlucky women who can't orgasm through vaginal intercourse. I love having sex with my partner, and we do it every day and sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, but I can't physically come from any of it and that's what the vibrator is for. Compare that to porn use, where unless both partners enjoy the porn (rare), it becomes the pursuit of a solitary orgasm that often supplants regular sex.Leave the vibrators out of this one, boys :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): OP if you won't try and compromise on this then all you can do is force him to stop through the emotional blackmail stuff you have said here. The "it's me or the porn thing". If he doesn't stop then just leave him and find a guy you are more compatible with.
You shouldn't try to change someone just to suit you. You either love them for who they are or you go find someone else. Liking porn is not a disease and while you may find it morally reprehensible he obviously doesn't, so you either figure out a way, with him, to come to some kind of compromise on the issue that will satisfy you both, or you try and force him to stop, because you want him to be perfect and porn isn't in the vision you had of the way men should be.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
"There is fairly little debate among researchers and psychologists that porn is basically like any other addictive drug: often terrible for relationships and often terrible for the user. "Funny that.. if there is no debate, how come the psychologist don't put it in their diagnosis manual by other addiction problems are there addiction.You say there's no debate... maybe you missed the long discussion over inclusion of pornography in the new DSM manual.. just looked... gambling addiction is there, sexual aversion, sadism, masochism.. but nope, no pornography addiction that the doctors can look for. Also because of the problem of people labelling everything they hate an addiction, problems gambling addiction is now labelled as pathological gambling, and I'm sure that other addictions have also been reclassified.. Addiction is no longer a term that reputable doctors use when talking about people with serious problems.I call this debate, or not, cause I think the book is new and they already discussed it and pornography is not seen as a suitable problem for treatment. In Europe, this is the intellectual tools that doctors use for treating affected patients. Research that claims that all users of pornography have problems or have bad relationships cannot be taken seriously by either doctors, pornography users, or people who make the laws.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): "How can a man seriously choose porn over his relationship?"
We're not the ones making it a condition of the relationship. I can have both a relationship and use porn, they're not mutually exclusive concepts basically I've never had to choose because it's never had a negative effect on my relationships.
Your guy is not choosing porn over you, you're the one trying to make him not use it. Therefore you're the one making this an issue when to him it isn't.
"Why is it my choice to put up with porn and lose all respect for my husband or break up our family?"
I said compromise, but you refuse to consider that option, it's your way or the highway. That's just emotional blackmail, and demands. You're the one threatening to break up over this, not him, how is he to blame when he sees nothing wrong with it? You're the one that's losing her sex drive over this yet you want him to change all that and refuse to consider any kind of middle ground or compromise. That's what I mean when I say it works both ways.
"FYI just read that porn is a contributing factor in almost 50% of divorces"
I'm well aware of the statistics but a lot of those are used as excuses too and as leverage in divorce proceedings. Come on we all know that when fighting a divorce people try to come up with every tiny detail they can to obtain leverage.
Besides I just know that it will never be a reason for me to get a divorce because I don't date girls who have a problem with porn, if a girl lies to me and says she is okay with it only to tell me a few months down the line that she really doesn't like it, then it's not my problem.
I'll say it again, I never have nor ever will choose porn over my relationships because they're not mutually exclusive, I have both in my life and I live a good life. Have lots of great sex, has made my own porn home-movies and has a partner that doesn't feel threatened by my fantasy.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
Some of the statistics quoted here are unscientific...The quote that porn contributes to 50% of divorces was based on a general (not scientific or academic piece of research) survey of opinions amongst lawyers meeting for a convention.Lawyers aint scientist - convincing everyone to divorce because of porn, keeps them in business considering up to 90% of men use it, and 60% of women hate itLawyers have a vested interest in divorcePorn is not the cause of divorce, because there is no such category. Judge won't give you a divorce because one partner likes porn.Divorce is then based on irreconinable differences.... that's makes sense... one person likes something, the other hates it, both refuse to compromise, so they get divorced... happens all the time over lots of things.If 50% get divorced because of porn.. that means that only a few people get divorced due to domestic abuse, alcohol or drugs, money problems, problems with family and friends, adultery, lack of sex... nope.. because all these other problems of course have to share the remaining 50%... because porn is the major and only problem that most married couples face.Funny about that.. wonder what the statistics on divorce and physical violence, or divorce and money problems, divorce and madness, divorce and illness have to say and if they correlate and make up the numbers. Wonder if the police and social workers would say if we ask them about marital problems... Wonder if it would be better to actually do proper research and see what's written down by judges on all cases.Lots of statistics, but when I read the original research, there are major problems that make them debatable.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2012):
"just read that porn is a contributing factor in almost 50% of divorces..."
Actually it's slightly OVER 50%.
"If that's the case then why is your anti-porn opinion more important than his? If it works both ways then why are you not addressing the problem and why are you then asking why he doesn't."
It's been well-established (as close to proven as it gets in science) that porn uses decreases a person's satisfaction with their partner's appearance, their sex life, and their partner's sexual curiosity. The study was first done in the 80's, then repeated numerous times by other researchers in the 90's. It's also addictive, and it's estimated that 15% of users develop a compulsion that interferes with their lives (that's a LOT). There are many studies showing that viewing porn makes men less likely to respect a woman's boundaries/more likely to push her to "perform" things he'd seen in porn. There is fairly little debate among researchers and psychologists that porn is basically like any other addictive drug: often terrible for relationships and often terrible for the user. It's really odd to hear the arguments here because when it comes to arguments about harm and content, there is very little debate among psychologists/therapists, among lawyers, and even among the porn producers. The only people who are arguing it has no impact on anything are the users.
I also cannot think of ANY other behavior in a relationship where lying and hiding is actively encouraged (and 70% of users do lie to some extent to their partners). If you have to lie and hide it, you shouldn't be doing it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): have you never thought that the porn is being used because their partener doesnt have sex with them. I didnt watch porn until my partner didnt want to have regular sex any more. If she doesnt like it she should put in more of an effort to want me and have sex with me
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"If that's the case then why is your anti-porn opinion more important than his? If it works both ways then why are you not addressing the problem and why are you then asking why he doesn't."
Well my feelings on this point are simple. How can a man seriously choose porn over his relationship? Why is it my choice to put up with porn and lose all respect for my husband or break up our family? Both end up the same way?
FYI just read that porn is a contributing factor in almost 50% of divorces...No man ever died because he couldnt use porn to masturbate to every day...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): "Surely the idea that if you treat your partner respectfully that leads to lots of lovely sex isn't so hard to believe?"
Well if sex is going to be used like that as a weapon to stop me doing things that my partner doesn't like then I'm with the wrong partner. Porn has always been fine in all my relationships and even has enhanced the majority of them both by watching it and making it ourselves.
"My point is that if your partner/wife has a problem with your porn use then why do it?"
There are always going to be things that our partners do that we don't like. My girlfriend likes to listen to pop music and I hate it she puts it on regularly and loudly too because she really does like it so I tolerate it. Seriously my hatred and disgust for pop music is very profound but I love her so I accept and tolerate it. Why does she do it when she knows I have a problem with it? Because we came to a compromise, she will put on her headphones most of the time if she's sitting in the same spot listening to it.
I don't understand why the women who don't like porn never actually want consider a compromise, they just want to make demands.
"If it is causing problems in the bedroom then using it more isn't going to help is it?"
If it's not causing a loss to his libido then why is it something he has to fix?
"Surely in a marriage/relationship the one persons opinion that is as important as your own is your partners?"
If that's the case then why is your anti-porn opinion more important than his? If it works both ways then why are you not addressing the problem and why are you then asking why he doesn't.
A lot of women do have a problem with porn, I've been lucky not to date such women but I have dated that gained a lot of weight and lost their sex drives due to that, that negatively effected our sex lives but they didn't do anything about it and when I suggested that they do I was cut down as being a bastard etc. You see we can't win OP. Even when it's not our doing women very often expect us to fix it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
mmm... This to me is always the problem
Woman says "I don't like porn, so your never, ever, allowed to look at it, even if I can't see you, even if I'm far away and in another country for a couple of years or months"
Man says "I don't like your vibrator"
Woman say "Tough, none of your business, don't tell me what to do, a woman has the right to use a vibrator"
Man says "Baby, can we have sex tonight"
Woman says "No, and don't cry, I only have sex when I feel like it, you just have to wait, and don't touch yourself because your penis belongs to me"
Man says, "Baby can you spend less money, we're going broke"
Woman says, "No, don't tell me what to do, if you love me, you want me to be happy"
Man says, "Baby, please don't go on a diet"
"Woman says, "Shut up, none of your business, don't tell me what to do, if you love me, you'll accept me just the way I am"
Man says, "Baby, I need us to do more kinky sex things, how about we do anal sex or go have sex in the park"
Woman says "Your disgusting, your sex obsessed, what kind of woman do you think I am, I'm not a prostitute"
Man says "Baby I don't use porn anymore, can we have sex tonight"
Woman says "Your so obsessed by sex, you never leave me alone, your always trying to get me into bed"
In these arguments over porn, always seems that the only way a man can be respectful, is to make sure his woman is happy and he is unhappy, give up anything he likes, do anything she says... and accept that he'll get nothing back. Because if he loves her, he'll give up things, but if she loves him back, she doesn't have to sacrifice anything. Only a woman's happiness matters, only what she wants and likes is important.
Remember.. he's not asking you to give up anything. He's not making demands of you, and your able to tell him to go away you don't want sex, but he can't say the same, he can't tell you he don't want sex, or you will feel hurt and rejected.
Never ever win, win.. but always only, woman wins. And yes, I have heard the argument put directly that a man must always give up porn to please a woman, but a woman has the right to keep her vibrator no matter what, because she needs it.
The more sex less porn thing, may work. Why don't you go talk to him, tell him, that he don't need to masturbate or use porn anymore, because you'll be available 24/7, any time he's horny, for use, only as a masturbation tool without asking anything for yourself and without expecting any sexual pleasure.
For a lot of men.. yep, that might be a deal worth dumping porn for.. But remember, forever is a long time, before he dies he might get tempted to look at porn again, even if it's only one or two times.
I always like, keep your porn usage a total secret, I don't want to know, lets have more sex, because hopefully I'll make your dick so sore that you won't be able to use it, and lots of kisses, romance and sweet talk outside the bedroom, so when you think any sexy things, you'll run to me and not to porn... but hey if you look at it, I'll never know because your too discrete..
Instantly.. porn disappears from my life, and I got a sexy, romantic man and no sex issues.
That's not actually how I solve the problem, because I've used porn meself and I like my sexy romantic books and erotica... if I forced a man to give up porn, he might take my romantic books and films away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies folks, some food for thought :-)My point is that if your partner/wife has a problem with your porn use then why do it? If it is causing problems in the bedroom then using it more isn't going to help is it? Surely in a marriage/relationship the one persons opinion that is as important as your own is your partners?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 January 2012):
Of course, there's the obvious response to your post is:
If porn use by the man does *not* upset the wife/girlfriend, then the amount of sex will be unchanged.
However, if the porn use is way over the top and obsessive, then it'll interfere with actual relationships because *he* will want actual sex less due to the addiction he will have fallen into. A porn or sex addiction is highly imprisoning because the guy will not only be insatiable, but it's possible that he'll have to increase the porn use and get more and more hardcore to keep the high, like any drug.
Personally, I don't care if my husband uses porn. I know he uses it, and it doesn't bother me or make me be less intimate with him. I think porn is gross, but then again, I think a guy scratching his genitals is gross too! I know they do it, but I don't want to see it, and those hands better damn well be washed!
Heh, I insist the hand washing be done for both scratching and jerking!
One other thing -- it's not automatic that a guy gets more sex the less he uses porn. Many times, a woman's sex drive diminishes regardless of a man's porn habits. Porn doesn't equal a "lack of respect" unless you make it that issue. Likewise, a guy could consider it a "lack of respect" every time you ever say "not tonight honey". Respect has nothing to do with it.
I would consider it a lack of respect if my husband pulled open the laptop and surfed porn in front of me, or left open the computer web pages, or magazines all over the place, or the porn movie in the DVD player (hmm...will they make porn in 3D? The thought of a guy wanking while wearing massive 3D glasses would have me laughing my head off for a month!). Of course, I would also consider it gross, like not flushing a toilet.
But this all is my opinion only!
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (31 January 2012):
You said it yourself OP, when women don't want sex men use porn and everyone stays more or less happy. That does not imply men prefer Porn or want a real woman less!!! In fact I find it quite the opposite. Porn can make me really horny and encourages me to get my wife excited and usually by the third orgasm my she is screaming to stop, but she doesn't know what started it!!!!
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male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (31 January 2012):
I completely agree that if a man's in a relationship, has a partner willing to provide him with a regular sex life and yet still looks at pornography for masturbatory purposes, he's a loser. However, I can't see that viewing mainstreet-ish stuff now and again as long as his other half gets the benefit of the appetizer is much of a problem. As for potential addiction- a glass of beer does not invariably lead to lying in the gutter drinking aftershave. Guys like to look, and a wise woman will understand that as much as a wise man understands that he must tread extra-softly once a month. All within reason on both sides, of course.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (31 January 2012):
Well I tend to agree. When I was a young man coming along, pornography was rare to be found. It may have been available, but I didn't know much about it, so I sought females for stimulation. To me, a 1950s issue of Playboy Magazine was profound! My agreement is that it tends to ruin relationships. It's ok when perpetually alone, but when in a relationship, better to focus on the real stuff.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Not any harder to believe than if we eat right and exercise we will look and feel great, yet sadly many people are considerably overweight. The problem with porn is that, like fast food, the payoff is immediate and practically guaranteed. Those who overindulge in porn WILL have some reward NOW. By 'treating their partners with respect', they MIGHT benefit in some vague and distant future. That is the thinking behind these psychological addictions. The other attraction is that he can focus entirely on himself. There is no one else to please and no guilt or disappointment to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I find I'm less attracted to my boyfriend after I've seen him fondling himself whereas I used to find it sexy. I think its because I've caught him wanking it to porn enough times that I don't feel like its about me anymore. Which is silly, I know, to pretend he's thinking its me while he's masterbating but I now see a connection between catching him watching the porn and watching him play being less sexy and more creepy.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 January 2012):
Cognitive dissonance? A lot of men started using porn long before they were in relationships and literally have no baseline or sense of "normal" to go off of. If they've been using it their entire adolescent lives, what other option can they compare it to?
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