A
female
age
51-59,
*eejuliet
writes:My boyfriends best friend is a woman. They have known each other since they were children and there is no romantic attraction, at least on my boyfriends side. She, however, loves him in the same way that I do. She is a wonderful person and has become a very good friend of mine, too, almost a sister. I try to be considerate of her feelings towards my boyfriend and know that she needs her time with him, too. I am probably the first girlfriend of BF that she has liked. BF and I joke that although I am the least of all evils to her, but I am still evil. Sometimes I feel that she undermines my relationship with my BF by trying to assert her own importance and/or trying to get him to do something I dont want him to do. For example, I only get to see my BF alternate weekends. A few months ago BF was extremely busy with a project for work. I offered to skip our weekend together (which meant 3 weeks between dates) so that he could spend the whole weekend working, uninterupted. He greatfully accepted and I made other plans. I spoke to our friend and told her what was happening and asked her cooperation in letting him get his work all done. I asked her to please not invite him over or out as I know he has no willpower to stick to work when something social comes up. At first she agreed but then told me how she had decided that they were going to spend Sunday together, she wanted to go out to breakfast and driving all day. I was aghast. I told her"NO! I told you he doesnt have time for that!" So she seemed to see this as a line in the sand and I cannot tell her what to do and she had him over Friday and Saturday night and spent the day on Sunday with him. He did not get the project completed. When I complained to him he told me it was none of my business if she wanted to ask him out or if he wanted to blow off work to be with her. He told me to butt out and that I had no business giving orders regarding time to either her or him. I still feel badly about the whole thing and it caused me to pull back emotionally. Undermining success! A few days ago I was speaking to her (we generally speak every day to each other) and she said he had asked her out for that evening but then recinded the offer saying he had to do something but couldnt remember what it was. I told her he needed to build lattices for our garden as the peas were now falling over and he had promiced me to get it done. She agreed that the lattices needed to be built or our crop would be ruined. I told her that he needed to get this work done or I would end up doing it and if I did it than he and I would end up in a fight. She then said to me, "Well I am going to call him now and try to convince him to go out to dinner and a movie with me" I yelled "No! Dont try to convince him tonight! I just told you he needs to build the lattices or we are going to end up in a fight!" She replied that she wanted to go out to dinner and a movie and was calling him right now and that she would call me back. She called me back to say they were not seeing a movie, but were going to dinner with his folks. It turns out his parents asked him out to dinner and he was just about to call her and ask her to join them when she called. But still! Her INTENTION was to convince him to blow off what I needed him to do. He went out to dinner and ended up building lattices until 1:30 in the morning.I feel she was undermining our relationship by trying to cause a fight between him and I. She feels I am twisting things around and being a drama queen and has told my BF that she is afraid I would try to forbid him to see her. I dont want to ruil a friendship, either the one between the 2 of them or between her and I. She is way too good a friend. But I am ANGRY! I feel if someone tells you "this is important" than you respect their wishes, you dont defy them to teach them a lesson that they are not allowed to control you! What is this idiocy of 'dont draw a line in the sand because then I will have to cross it.' Both she and my boyfriend seem to do this. But that is another story and a huge problem with my boyfriend that I written about her before. So the 3 of us are going to get together tomorrow night to hash this out before it festers too much. I am nervous about a confrontation. Any ideas of how I can present my side so they will listen? Am I really just being an overreacting drama queen?
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female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (30 June 2007):
 I don't get this at all, and i don't want to appear rude or disrespectful to you... but you say this women is a really good friend, like a sister but i'm sure i would not treat my friend the way she treats you.
Ok she has been friends with him for years but that still does not give her any right to listen to things you have to say and then deliberatly go right behind your back and tell you she is going to do it.
Have you ever considered why she is such good friends with you?
She has been friends with him a long time and then you come along and she sees that as a threat to their friendship, so she befriends you gets as much information as she can and then uses it against you, maybe to try and put a wedge between you and your partner.
This is just the way it comes accross to me from the information you have given and i may be wrong but we are hear to tell it as we see it.
Maybe you could try showing this page to them so they can see how you feel in black and white, and also see how other people see it.
I realy hope things work out for you.
Take care.xx.
A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (30 June 2007):
 Hun there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I would be angry if this was happing to me specially if you dont see him that much, but once you have dinner with them then just tell them both you dont want to cause a fight and you like this girl but this is what is bothering you and why. just tell them everything dont hold back....Good luck and the best wishes to you!
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