A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Im 17 and have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months, we have a really good relationship and i am really happy with him. Recently however, his best female friend has just split up with her boyfriend (I believe they were together for a good year or so), and i know my boyfriend used to have a crush on her and wanted to date her before he met me. I trust him and know that he would never be disloyal to me, and had come to the acceptance that he probably did still have some sort of feelings for this girl (hey he's human!) even though i know that he feels for me on a completely different level to her. I can't help being worried that he may get more interested in her now she hasnt got a boyfriend or that she may become more flirty with him. Me and my boyfriend live in different towns and so i have only met her once. She looks uncanningly like me and is really popular!! She does however seem really nice and obviously wants my boyfriend to be happy - she does seem like she is a good friend. However she does come across as very calculating and seems like she could be very manipulative. Should i be worried about this?? or am i being a little oversensitive?? I obviously havent mentioned my fears to my boyfriend. When he told me that they had split up, i said that he and his friends should take care of her if shes down. He gave me a really awkward look and now i dont know what to think! Any help would be appriciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, peppersalt +, writes (11 April 2007):
Try not to worry about it, there's every change that their slight crush has turned into a purely deep and meaningful friendship.
From what you've said in your letter it seems that although he fancied her, she never fancied him back. They certainly didn't go out as far as I can tell. If they've been friends all through them both having other relationships then it is probably past that stage. Maybe he does have some feelings towards her, but I doubt it. And remember a little crush on someone is nothing compared to the committed relationship he has with you.
I don't mean to turn this letter into one about my situation but I've been in a similar situation which I can tell you about if you wanna hear. Basically, my best friend is a guy. We've known each other about 5 years but only been best mates about the past 2 and a half ish. We are basically like the same person in two different bodies, share the same music taste, talk every other day for at least an hour usually on MSN and check in with each other every day. We've been away to other cities for weekends together to see bands and stuff and overall have the sort of friendship I consider to be the best I'll ever get with an amazing person. He knows I love him to pieces as a friend, and he's said the same, and my boyfriend knows this and is fine with it, they're also friends. Anyway onto the point, my best friend used to fancy me years ago (before we drifted apart and got back to being closer mates). We kissed once really drunkenly about 4 years ago which meant nothing to either of us, but he really liked me. Anyway it was obvious from my side nothing was gonna happen cos I didn't feel that way about him. So nothing ever has (apart from that one kiss which is really irrelevant, was about 5 seconds long lol). Now through our friendship I've had partners, he's had partners, and everything is fantastic. He said he sees me so much like a sister, and I know the thought of doing anything romantic disgusts us both. But we're still closer than ever and talk about how much we like each other people to each other.
So the moral of the story is, even if someone has a crush on someone else, it's not the be all and end all. Often they're just fleeting fancies and you can both get over them completely to be just friends. So chill!
A
female
reader, luvme247  +, writes (10 April 2007):
 Rule of thumb that I use to make sure that I stay faithful is to not allow myself to be alone with someone of the opposite sex just because temptation does happen. If he is going out with her and a group of other friends you have to be able to trust him, but he shouldn't be going out with her alone. Why don't you suggest going out with them. That way you can see how they act towards eachother.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (10 April 2007):
 So far, he's with you. Expect it to stay that way, and it probably will.
Urge him to keep trying to set this friend of his up with other guys he knows, and ask him from time to time how that project is going. She's important to him. Make sure you see her as important to him as a FRIEND, and be clear that you want to know how their FRIENDSHIP is progressing. As long as he knows that you want to know about her as his friend, he's not likely to start seeing her as anything but a friend. You might even suggest, once he sets her up with a date with someone, that the four of you double some time so you can get to know her (and hopefully her new boyfriend) better.
The key, though, is keeping everything above board all the time so that nothing has a chance to slip away into the dark shadows.
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