A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I recently got a new job. The job is run on a set shift pattern basis, I chose a pattern that adapted well to both our lives (he plays sport some weekends etc) so that we could both do what we wanted to do without compromising our relationship.Since that point I have been badly ill and not at work, and during that time my boyfriend got to pick his own shifts, he's chosen something that's completely centred around his self and his sports, and doesnt match with mine at all, it means we only get to see each other once every 6 weeks, and that the rest of the time our shifts are opposite to each other (hes on earlies when im on lates etc)To make matters worse, when he told me about it, he claimed he'd taken that taken that particular shift as it would be best for us. It took me 5 mins of drawing a shift pattern out that this was very clearly not the case. I'm now very angry as I feel it's very selfish. I have adapted my life around his hobbies plenty of times and never got in his way as far as doing what he enjoys entails but I feel this is a step too far.I feel completely let down by him, weve only recently moved in together and he's never behaved this selfishly before. I've had bad and selfish relationships in the past, and this particular action has made me want to run a mile from him.We normally have quite a balanced and loving relationship but at the min I dont even want to be in the same room as him.What should I do?
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female
reader, supersofi  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Sometimes even though we don't like to admit it, we constantly attract the same kind of person into our lives. It might be a good idea to truly examine your relationship and see if he is being selfish in other areas as well. If this is the case, then it means you have indeed attracted the same kind of person again.If your partner does turn out to be the same as your previous, the only way to change this pattern is by self examination to discover why you think that you must give so much to a person in the hopes of gaining their love. Once you have done the ground work of self examination, then the work of beginning to change and give to yourself, do things that you like and enjoy and learn to have a voice, this may be scary at first but it will be worth it in the long run as your sense of self caring begins to grow.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think its an issue with me to be honest now looking at it. I have major problems with doing things for just me, i often put people first and myself last. I do this with my partner a lot.
I think the reason this has upset me so much is cos i put a lot of thought into my shifts for his doing, and he put none into his other than his own concerns. I know he probably didnt mean to upset me like he did. I think its hit home so much cos ive made so many compromises.
Thanks for the response, its made me think i should maybe just go and do more for myself, then stuff like this may not bother me so much :)
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 August 2012):
 It's healthy for a relationship to still do some things by yourself or with your friends without your partner. It keeps your own sense of identity and your friends. Don't do this out of spite but do it because it's a good thing to do. Spending lots of time with your partner is very important so sit down and agree with him what's gonna be best for you as a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for the response,
I think your possibly right to an extent sensitive bloke.
Hes picked something because as he admitted it fitted better with his sports schedule, and he 'thought' it would be alright for us. Yet it didnt take me much investigating to realise wed barely see each other on it.
I think hes possibly just been very thoughtless, and its hurt me more than it probably should have because i always thought of him as someone who wasnt like that. I think he probably has taken it for a little that id be happy to just accept whatever came out of it. I dont have any major hobbies if I have any spare time i prefer to spend it with family so i normally fit stuff around him and i think hes taken that as a given which hasnt made me feel very important. Do you think I should take some form of action. Friends have told me I should start doing more things without him so he doesnt just take it that ill accept what ever and always be around. But isnt that a bit petty?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 August 2012):
So he thought he'd picked a shift you'd be happy with? If so then the worst thing he's guilty of is not being very clever. It's hard to understand without seeing the details but maybe that's all it is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): Get out if it.
I don't think he values what he has. He's taking you for granted. (Or maybe he wants out and is deliberately doing this.)
And when you're really that disappointed in him, why drag it along and make your own life all the more miserable. He doesn't see what he's doing to you.
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