A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for 3 years and I don't know what to do. I have a six year old boy who adores him and a one year old baby girl. The problem is he has become physically abusive. He has tried to strangle me five times but generally just pushes me and punches walls, doors etc. He accuses me of having affairs if I leave the house (even to visit family or to go to the shops if I take longer then he thinks I should) and calls me terrible names. I have had him arrested twice but I always take him back. He only behaves like this when he is drunk. I think he has an alcohol problem but he will not admit this as he can go weeks without drinking, but when he does drink he can't stop. When he is sober we get on fine, he helps around the house, plays with the kids and is nice to me, but when he goes through a stage of drinking he is awful. He has promised me that he will not behave like this again, but we have a party coming up and I know he will get really drunk. Please don't just tell me to leave him as I love him and just want him to treat me with respect and trust me. We went to marriage counselling once but he said that we don't need it and that he will change without it, but the abuse is getting worse.
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female
reader, BigSis +, writes (30 April 2008):
 This thread had been brought up from it's last post from the 31st August 2007. It would have been good if we could have gotten some feed back from the question asker.
Lets just hope this poor woman has sorted out her problems and is safe and happy again.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 My dear, what do you want to hear? Abuse is a terrible thing and really screws up the victim, that is you. You love him. Right, what part. The bit where you start to black out from lack of oxygen or where he makes you miserable.
He is an abuser and they really never ever change with tender loving care. It just don't happen. No you don't want to hear this, you want to find little tricks to keep him happy so he doesn't get angry and abuse you.
It is classic battered wife behavior. Really, if shrinks used checklists you could just tick of a whole list of issues for abused wifes from just your post.
It ain't easy to get out of an relationship like this but it really is the only way. You need to leave so that he gets the message once and for all that he either changes now or lives his life out alone but most important you NEED TO GET OUT.
Not just for your own life, think of what this relationship is teaching your children. Your son is learning right now how he should act towards women in the future. You daughter will learn from you how men should treat her.
You ain't the only victim here, this ain't just about you and your love for this man, you got to think of your kids.
As for the upcoming party, stay away, if you know he is going to drink take yourselve and the kids somewhere else because you have learned by now that he WILL drink and WILL become abusive.
But mostly, please just get out of there, don't become another statistic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): just wait till he stangles one of your kids, than you would wish you left, my daughter was strangled for 7 years by her father, and now he is gone, and she has several feeding,swallowing prblems, and coughing, and choking issues, get rid of him, if he does not want help he want get it...think about you and your child, the hell with him..sometimes people come into your life for a season, it's time to move on, there is someone else for you and your child, it may take time, but if it was meant for you to be with someone else it will happen..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Sorry Hun,
Im going to tell you to leave as this is just going to continue its not going to stop...Untill maybe he kills you purely by mistake as he is drunk and does not know what he is doing...
What you have just described was just like my ex, Yea lovely guy when sober but as soon as a drop touched his mouth he binged and hunny, Ive been beaten kicked in the head, strangled, raped, Ive had knives put to my throat and nearly killed with a samuri sword all in the name of alcohol. Nice guy to everyone else though....
I understand you love him I understand you have children,
But if you think they wont be affected your wrong as children do hear and see things love and as they get older what happens if he gets drunk and gets violent infront of them or they see it by mistake even....
My husband told me he could stop the drink he did for weeks on end but would get fed up and start again and binge for hours then it would start...I no how you feel, As I no how much I loved my husband at the time, in the end I was just a mess and had a breakdown, so hunny think of you think of your children.. If you no he is going to drink knowing he gets this way why would he do it if he truely loved you sweetheart, He knows he needs help but wont accept it, just the same for me.
This life you are leading is a frightening one as you never no where you are, Please think about this for your own safety and that of your childrens to, Victim support help alot in this kind of situation they should be in the phone book give them a ring and please take care LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): You're being really unrealistic not wanting to leave him. He won't get help, he refuses to believe that he has an alcohol problem. So what is he saying to you? He's saying there is nothing wrong with him being abusive. He won't even go to marriege counseling. That prooves that he doesn't care about his family. You need to go get some protection against him. And the next time he hits you, press charges. That is if you're able to get up & call the police. Your kids don't want to live in this situation, watching thier mom get strangeled. How horrible!! You need to think about your kids, and not think about this man when he is "nice" to you. The next time he starts drinking, immediately take your kids & leave.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Pack your bags and get out. The next time he may succeed. Men like this don't change. Don't kid yourself into thinking it's your fault either. It's not. He is the one with the problem. Get out now. You may not have a second chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Contact a support charity for women in your situation - they have free helplines and the number doesn't show up on your call listing - or you can email them. You need specific advice and specific support - please don't go on in this situation. We can advise you on this website but I know that when you hear it from a professional your confidence to leave will grow and grow. You can do it. By the way.... would you want your daughter, when she is your age, to be putting up with this? I doubt it - so why put up with it yourself. Show your children what is right and wrong and ensure they understand the importance of valuing yourself enough to allow only love, laughter and happiness in life.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Hi hun
The other posters have said it well. Something has to change here. Consider this...you have been with this man for three years and nothing has changed in that time. You are living with an alcoholic and in order to cope with the stress you are in denial by stating things are great when he is sober...you are doing that so you justify the half life you are living. Hun, like the other posters have said you need to issue an ultimatum and leave at least for a time. On a practical note I am hoping that there is a friend or relative you can stay with. I would not let him know the address or the phone number of where you are and when you contact him ensure that he cannot guess where you are calling from. If this sounds extreme it is I guess but your safety and that of your children could be at stake here. Your husband needs to face his alcoholism and get help and that is not easy but there are success stories in situations like this and hopefully that will happen for you . Take care and stay safe hun
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): If you don't do something you are going to end up in big trouble and this is not just a theory. I have been through it and only just escaped. It started with less than you are getting (biting) and ended with knives. He stalked me for over a year afterwards and I still get scared in the night. My child ended up in therapy. Although your son adores him you say, he will get a very twisted and damaged idea of human relationships if you stay there. He is probably very afraid sometimes as well and can not tell you. Read the Refuge website and really start understanding what is happening to you here, as well as your kids. You can not change him, don't think you can show him a better path and with enough love he can be better. This is a terrible mistake. Don't confuse love with seeking approval.
You are not on a quest to make him see the error of his ways. Your job is to protect your children and at the moment you are not. He does not love you, he is controlling you and is a very angry man. Have you ever read how people who are kidnapped can develop interdependant relationships with their kidnappers. They get beaten and abused, starved, whatever. The kidnapper then may tell them something about themselves and the kidnapped person gives advice thinking they have found a soft spot which proves that he is not really a monster. If they just appeal to this person's better nature they feel sure they will be let go. The kidnapper gives a piece of bread. He beats the person again next day. The nazis were nice to children in the queue for the gas chambers. Don't let you over-enthusiatic vision of humankind stop you from seeing that people can be twisted and they can be evil. Just being nice you will not protect you. Control freaks are mentally disturbed and sadistic, which is where they get some pleasure. They often feel bad afterwards, but it changes nothing. Have you seen a whipped dog still whine for its master because it wants another pat like the one it got yesterday? That is you and the fact that you can not see how extremely dangerous the situation is that you are in, means you are being sucessfully brainwashed. The longer you stay and the lower your self esteem gets, the harder it will be to leave. You will start to believe his criticisms and that you deserve his boot in your face. Get out. Sorry to be hard but this is sent with love.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (24 August 2007):
 It is a sad but true fact that children raised in households where there is domestic violence are profoundly affected by this. You have to stop thinking about this being an issue between you and him, and start looking at the implications of his physical abuse on the whole family. You get him arrested and then drop the charges - it sends a clear message to your partner that his behaviour is acceptable and should not change. If you are miserable and on-edge then your children will know about it and as they become aware of the violence they learn a poor lesson about how adults should interact with each other. You should act not just for yourself, but for your children and your husband. By separating from him, you send a message that you love him but have expectations for change that have to be met within the context of your relationship. He then has a choice to seek help for alcohol and anger management or walk away...you do him no favours by accepting the situation as it is because he is under no obligation to change and can rationalise the situation into one where, in his mind, 'you deserved it' rather than facing up to the real issues. You should try to make contact with women's aid as they have a helpline.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Unless you want your children to be motherless then you have no choice but to leave and you know it. This situation will not get better only worse. His drinking problem will escalate and he will get drunk more often and hence the abuse will escalate as well. He may even turn on the children to punish YOU. You cannot "fix" him you can only do what is right for your children. Pack your bags, your leaving may be the catalyst that makes him seek the professional help he needs very desperately.
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A
female
reader, Rachelann960739 +, writes (24 August 2007):
I think your husband needs to get help. My father is like that and my mom kicked him out. My life has been better without him,then it was with him in my life.I would take the kids a leave.He might hurt you or the kids badly one of these days, or worse. Your safety and the kids are the most important thing.You could also ask him to get help,but I would go with option one. I'm sorry If this is not what you want to hear, but going on like this could hurt you and your kids even more!
~Good Luck~
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (24 August 2007):
 If you going to ask about something like this then you are going to have to accept that most people will tell you to leave him, and thats because we have heard of so many stories like this where it starts off with abuse like this and then the women ends up dead, and i'm not saying that these men do it deliberatly but when they are drunk they forget just how strong they are.
He needs to realise that he has a problem with drinking and get some help for it as well as anger management.
Do you really want your children to have to live with this and as much as you will probably say they do not see anything, beleive me they will pick up on it.
If you don't want to leave him then you need to tell him that, tell him that you are worried about him and what he is like when he drinks and if he does not get help to deal with it then you will have to leave for the sake of your children.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, jm81690 +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Tell him you hate the way he acts when he drinks, and to cut down.
There's no need to get wasted everytime he drinks.
If you tel him the truth about what you think of him when he drinks, then he'll stop if he really does care about you, and since you've been together for 3 years and he is always paranoid your're having an affair, I bet he does care.
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