A
female
age
36-40,
*innie73
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a while now.. almost 2 years. Lately he's been very stressed with work and other things.. we manage to have sex maybe 3 times a week, but i initiate this every time. He says he never pleasures himself because he doesn't get the urge. I've always been in sexual relationships and im a very sexual person.. my current boyfriend is perfect in every other way but i feel like theres something wrong with him, or with us!The only reason i'd get angry if he did it alone is because if it was up to me, we'd be doing it a lot more!Like i said, he's perfect in every other way but i really wish he had a sex drive.. it's hard to deal with and it's difficult on my self esteem to always initiate it and push him into it. He tells me many times a day how attractive and beautiful i am.. but i don't feel sexually attractive. im used to guys being all over me, but my boyfriend seems to be without a libido.. I love him and under no circumstances do i want to leave him over this.. please someone tell me how to deal with it though! Im going crazy and it's starting to cause a lot of conflict...
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libido, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 One thing I am in agreement of: I think you're over-equating sex with love and attraction. A lot of young men are egotistical and use sport-sex and scorecards as a way of telling themselves they are studs. I have a lot of guy friends, and that's the way a lot of them view sex in early adulthood.
If you're with a man worth keeping, be more appreciative that you have sex 3 times a week- that is well above average. The average person has sex once a week. Sex is not love. Sex isn't romance. Sex isn't attraction. My own husband has admitted to sleeping with women in his past that he actually found physically UNattractive. Sex can be romantic and loving- but it becomes exhaustive to give that kind of attention to someone who neither notices or appreciates it and is always demanding more and more.
It can really strain a good relationship to put the performance pressure on either party. If you continue, he may feel like no amount of attention he gives will ever please you.
A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (12 February 2010):
minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question And the 'conflict' i referred to earlier - please do not see this as me sulking and bitching about not getting my own way.
The 'conflict' is caused by me becoming resentful after weeks of feeling like a) he isn't caring about my needs; and b) is not attracted to me.
This is a feeling of conflict inside myself, we have not been fighting about it. I wrote on here to get advice to avoid that very thing happening.
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A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (12 February 2010):
minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the second anonymous female reply -
No i do not constantly need someone to be assuring me. And when i say used to having "guys all over me", i mean im young & been with young men so its always been that we can't keep our hands off each other.
I do not get my ego boost from men, but it would affect anyone's self esteem if they felt their partner wasn't attracted to them.
I would also like to point out that i don't "sulk" or "pester" him - its affecting my self esteem, and (i think) rightly so, so i am writing on here for advice on how to move forward.
I do not "pester" him - i merely said I'M the one that always has to initiate it, which is a problem i have brought up with him in the past. This is far from pestering him or sulking because i don't get my own way.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova) +, writes (11 February 2010):
I would (of course, when he isn't weighed down by stress) sit down and have an honest conversation. It may be moreso that he doesn't want you to feel pressured, or that in the past he has had to do all of the initiating, and really likes that your actively pursue him. It may be that he craves a more personal and emotionally connected relationship with you that sex can't be a replacement for.By talking at an appropriate time, you can suss out a realistic expectation of your sex life together. After all, as you get older you will have less time and more to do. No two guys are alike, and contrary to rumor- it takes time for men to 'reload'.
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A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (11 February 2010):
minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responses! amazingly enough, i do feel a lot better now.. i know it is just lately and i guess its just a phase.
although.. the whole time we've been dating (and even if he was stress-free), he is still on the lower end of the spectrum in terms of sex drive..
i plan on leaving him alone while he is very stressed (lately..) but does anyone have advice for the bigger picture? when things DO go back to normal.. i still find it isn't quite enough for me (or what i've been used to in the past).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): How long has this been going on for?
If it's only been a short while, then creating conflict out of it is only going to make it worse and drive your boyfriend away. It's really annoying having someone pestering you for sex when you are stressed, as you say your bf is, and thinking about something else.
And if it is causing conflict, I assume initiated by you, then you need to grow up a bit I'm afraid. You say the problem is caused by stress, how do you think this is going to make it better? You sound a bit like you're not getting what you want and are sulking about it. Also, this whole thing about your self esteem seems a bit silly to me. Do you really have to have someone constantly reassuring you? Unless he has always been like this, in which case I would ask you why you are together seeing as it seems to be a big deal for you. It seems like you need your ego boosting by having "guys all over you" which is quite sad in my opinion and says more about your issues than your boyfriend's.
I think you are being selfish to be honest. You're still get it 3 times a week from what you say. If you could tell us how long the problem has been going on for then that might be helpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I'm really stressed at the moment from work and whatnot, and to be honest sex is the last thing on my mind. I can't really switch off and relax, and I just don't get in the mood for sex. When my problems are sorted I know things will get back to how they were, but for now I just don't feel like it. My fiance doesn't pressure me into sex because he knows I don't want it. Moreover, it really annoys me when he paws at me and tries to get me to have sex when I just want to go to sleep. If you pester him you will drive him away. You need to understand that he is stressed and not try and make him feel bad about the fact that he isn't having enough sex with you as well. It doesn't mean he loves you any less or finds you less sexy- I don't feel that way about my fiance- but I just have other things on my mind. It's not forever. Ease off on your boyfriend for a bit- if it's just started when he's been stressed then it will pass. YOu will make it worse, however, if you turn it into a big deal. I'm sure things will get back to normal. Don't let your own self esteem issues get confused with the fact that your boyf has work stress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): A lot of stress at work causes 2 problems. It makes him tired and a guy uses a lot of energy to have sex. The other is that stress raises the stress hormones, which in turn lower the production of testosterone. Testosterone is very important to a man's sex drive and ability to perform.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova) +, writes (11 February 2010):
"he's been very stressed with work and other things.. "
Bang on, babe. Really- it's that simple. Things that seem easy to us girls are serious sex-drive killers for men. I doubt that he isn't attracted to you, and I doubt there is anything wrong with him. Be supportive, be the place he can come to and relax. 3 times a week is a pretty good average. Just let him know when he's ready, you're waiting.
If you put too much pressure on him to get over it and perform, it'll be one more thing keeping him down (so to speak). He'll deal with his stress eventually, and then you'll have plenty of opportunity to count the tiles on your ceiling. ;)
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