A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, my bf and I have only dated for a week. I have a really good feeling about him and I. But I have a problem. Let me start with some background information about him:He and I met last year, we've been pretty good friends since. We secretly had a crush on each other, but were dating other people at the time. When we were both single we decided to start dating. He's 3 years older than me (I'm 19). He has his own house. When his step dad and his mom moved to a new house, they let him stay in their old house, technically it's his, not in his name, but he lives there. So, I found out that his ex girlfriend is living with him... They dated about a year and a half ago for a month, and their relationship was strictly sex, but he was her first boyfriend (she was a lesbian before). But he told me that she's staying with him because she had to get away from her abusive step dad. She's only 17, so she'll get an apartment when she turns 18 which will be in June.Here's the problem though...They're too comfortable with each other, like whenever they get done taking a shower they're comfortable with walking around in their underwear, or less. And my boyfriend considers his ex as his "wife" meaning she cooks and cleans for him. And today when I was over cuddling with my boyfriend, his ex came home from work, had a bad day, sat next to us, and my boyfriend let go of me to go cuddle her, then he left me to smoke cigarettes and eat Oreos with her. Not to mention when I asked if he wanted to go out to eat he said that he wanted alone time with his ex to catch up on things, even though they already do everything together, like grocery shop, and clothes shopping.I'm very jealous. Is this natural? I know they're just friends. His ex does have a boyfriend, though. And since my boyfriend and I have known each other for so long it feels like we've been dating for months, really it does, and he's the one who said it.So is it ok to feel the way I do?I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't feel like it's my place to say who he can and can't have in his house. Not to mention I would come off as the bad guy considering she staying to escape her step dad. But she has other places to stay, I just don't want her ruining things in this new relationship.Advice?
View related questions:
crush, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, lesbian, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 If you dont want to leave your B/f then you will just have to go with the flow. There is really no other option. But keep in mind that this is not normal nor a healthy relationship. You can always talk to him about it, but what are you even going to tell him? "I dont like your relationship with your ex"? He'll just dismiss it by saying that they're just friends and how can you not trust him when he loves no one but you. Unless you take a firm stand and ask him to stop this drama completely, nothing is going to change. The girl will continue the way she is and so will your B/f.
A
male
reader, landomando  +, writes (5 March 2012):
responding
So you know your boyfriend and dont think hes going to cheat?? but know its bound to happen?????????????????what?? First you may "know your boyfriend"but you dont know guys w**ners have minds of there own. and when someone whos been previously involved with a girl and is now living with him, and is "trashy" and only wanted a sexual relationship and is walking around in her underwear, showering, exc...... i mean come on! you cant be that naive. .................................................................... you have to get this girl to go, tell him you dont approve, its me or her... spending that long living with someone i mean they could easily get back together. hes already calling her "wife".............. OOOO also did he even ask you if its okay? and did u say yes?? or did he just go and do take her in?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your posts!Anonymous123:Yeah, I just can't stop thinking about how they were sex buddies. But she, apparently, can't stay with her boyfriend because... 1. He still lives with his parents. 2. His parents don't like her because they think she's trashy. 3. I don't think he's THAT worried with her living at my boyfriend's. Also I don't want to leave him, true, it's weird and I don't have to like it, but I still want to be with him.Landomando:I never said I don't suspect that, I just don't want to think about that. I know my boyfriend and I know that he wouldn't sleep around, I've known him for a year and I've built enough trust to know what he's like. After all, if he was one for cheating then we would've been together sooner. I know it's bound to happen, but I'd like advice on things that I could say about how I disapprove of them.Anonymous:Exactly, but I feel as though it's not my place to set boundaries so soon. And I asked him why she can't stay with other people and he told me that it was because they're, apparently, not treating her respectively. Last week she stayed with other people but she just recently came back, in all honesty... I want her out, but maybe she's there to keep him company so he's not alone. I see him everyday... Because we just can't get enough of each other, but we usually are alone, just until she comes home. Then it's all about her, and not to mention she doesn't respect our privacy, she always has to be around us. I don't like her boyfriend, he's best friends with my ex who cheated on me 5 times... Not a good idea to put us together. And as far as I know, he doesn't care. Well, how should I bring up the subject? I'd like to mention how I feel secondary when it comes to him. But I feel embarrassed if I bring up the issue. Like, what will he think. He says that I'm the nicest girl he dated, I don't want to ruin that by sounding too insecure.Auntie BimBim:But when I asked he said that they're just really good friends. But here's the problem... When they started dating they just wanted to have sex, before they dated I don't know if they were friends, because that would make her 15 and him 20... That'd be weird, but now they're really good friends, I hate it. He's a good boyfriend, I can assure you of that, he just doesn't know how weird this is. And I understand that he's trying to be nice and give her a place to stay, but you'd think that she, of all people, would respect him and I by not interfering in our relationship. Anonymous:No, I don't he thinks it's weird.Shaashiie:Yeah, but I wanted to date him ever since I met him. I waited for a year, and he waited for me. And now that we're together we want to make things work. I definitely feel second when she's around, and I don't deserve that. When we're together he treats me amazingly, he's the sweetest guy towards me, but maybe being nice is in his nature, and he's treating her very nicely, but you can't have your ex living with you when you have a new girlfriend. How should I talk to him about this?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (5 March 2012):
Definitely not normal by any stretch of imagination. If they were just sex buddies earlier, they've surely taken it up a notch by being husband and "wife" now! The communication skills have improved, the emotional bond, the shopping, living together, the comfort factor...talk about evolving!
If she wants to "escape" her step dad then its her problem and her boyfriend's, not yours! She should be living with the other guy, not with your B/f, because its weird and creepy and not normal. Your B/f cant possibly expect you to get on board with this! If he does, then wish him luck in his marital life and leave. Plain and simple.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (5 March 2012):
Definitely not normal by any stretch of imagination. If they were just sex buddies earlier, they've surely taken it up a notch by being husband and "wife" now! The communication skills have improved, the emotional bond, the shopping, living together, the comfort factor...talk about evolving!
If she wants to "escape" her step dad then its her problem and her boyfriend's, not yours! She should be living with the other guy, not with your B/f, because its weird and creepy and not normal. Your B/f cant possibly expect you to get on board with this! If he does, then wish him luck in his marital life and leave. Plain and simple.
...............................
A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (5 March 2012):
Wow. From a guys point of view, your BF has his ex living with him, and there relationship was just sex. There so comfortable they walk around basically in there underwear, sooo there still having sex... First off how can you even let that happen??..... There defiantly still having sex.. Youd have to be soo blinded or just dum to think a guy wouldnt take advantage of this situation.. Advice??????!!!!!!!! tell him she goes or you go!.. It doesnt matter if both are in a relation ship! close some doors, wearing underwear and it will happen...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Well done on waiting until you were both single and available before acting on the crush you both felt for each other while otherwise involved.
I think it's normal to feel the way you do because even though you have known your boyfriend for a year, your dating relationship is still brand new so you want private time to connect and get to know each other.
The situation does not sound healthy at all, boundaries need to be set. You say she does have other places to stay in order to avoid her abusive step dad, so I think that is the best option. Only if she has nowhere else to go would status quo be acceptable. It's honorable of your boyfriend to help his ex out, but everything else is not - like cuddling her after a bad day while having time with you, and then wanting time alone with her to catch up is dishonouring you while you are visiting.
If you feel you can't ask that she move out to Plan B, then the least he can do is be alone with you when you visit, or go out together and leave her behind, because if she lives there, they have plenty of other time to catch up or do their friendship thing together.
That's perhaps best - go out alone as much as possible, and if you're her friend too, then once a week you could always double-date with her boyfriend present too. By the way, how does HER boyfriend feel about this arrangement? It's strange to say the least, now that I realise she has her own new boyfriend...
Also, you could talk to your boyfriend and express how you feel. Start off by saying you understand his reasons, and you respect him for it, however it does leave you feeling jealous and insecure - and he can then ensure to look after you, his GIRLFRIEND. If it's done like this, he won't feel you are the bad guy, because your feelings are valid!
Let us know what develops, and best of luck!
xxxx E
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Read what you wrote: "today when I was over cuddling with my boyfriend, his ex came home from work, had a bad day, sat next to us, and my boyfriend let go of me to go cuddle her, then he left me to smoke cigarettes and eat Oreos with her. Not to mention when I asked if he wanted to go out to eat he said that he wanted alone time with his ex to catch up on things"
For me the issue wouldn't be where she lives, she could still live in the same house as your boyfriend or 5 streets away, where ever --- but the above behaviour would not be acceptable.
The problem isn't who lives in his house, the problem is that he prefers to spend time with her than you. If you are going to discuss the relationship you have with him, his behaviour with his roomie is the issue, not the fact she is his roomie.
She isn't the only one ruining things for what you and he have, he is the one who told you he wanted to be alone with her to 'catch up'.
Are you sure he sees what you and he have the same way he sees it? He doesn't sound like good boyfriend material to me!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): No, this not normal, this is weird and creepy. Surely her bf thinks so as well!
...............................
A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Just move on. Everything about this is wrong. Yes, it is ok to feel the way you do. What's not ok is for you to continue putting your time and energy into this relationship. It's not going to change and you're only going to become more and more bothered by it. He sounds like he's either not very interested in you or he has a strange idea of boundaries within relationships. You can find a guy you like just as much, if not more, that will put you first and all other females second. Telling you he doesn't want to go on a date with you because he wants to catch up with his ex is putting her first and you second, and you should never come second to an ex or any other female.
...............................
|
