A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married and in love with a co-worker of 5 years. Before we got into relationship it was pure physical with the fact we cannot get married, which later turned into emotional, love and trust me we are like soulmates. She got married to her parents choice and its been few months though she says she still loves me but some of her proven action doesn't justifies. She wants to balance both life but I am unable to accept that she is still my soulmate. How do I overcome this situation? It is possible to forget soulmates? It's bothering like hell to my personal and professional life. I have to look her everyday at at work and its becoming impossible to let her go from mind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): just because she's balancing two lives doesn't mean she doesn't love you and that her words are empty.she's balancing two lives because she loves you AND she is trying to fulfill other people's expectations of her so as to not be a 'bad person.'if she didn't love you, she wouldn't be balancing two lives - she would have let go of you and just concentrated on her other life fully because that's easier. who wants the trouble, pain and heartache of balancing two lives?? it's not fun, it's misery.the question is not whether she loves you or not. The question is, what else are her priorities in life BESIDES love? some people place love as their highest priority, and they can comfortably use Love to justify doing anything and the rest of the world be damned. But other people place obligation and duty above love. different people have different ideas of what personal integrity means, and if it conflicts with being able to openly love someone, then that's where they end up balancing two lives so that they can maintain their integrity (through fulfilling obligations and duty) yet still try to be with the person they love in whatever capacity is possible. this is a horrible situation to be in.A famous example of someone who placed love above obligation and duty was Edward VIII of England who abdicated the throne (gave up his king-ship) in order to marry the love of his life, the american Wallis Simpson. Being King of england carried a lot of obligations and the requirement to obey rules, which prohibited him from marrying a woman who has been divorced. If he, as King, had married a divorced woman, all hell would break loose and it would all be on him. Thus he had to choose between upholding his obligation to do the "right thing" as the King, or choose love. He chose Love, and bore the consequences of not fulfilling his royal obligations, by stepping down from the throne. But not everyone would choose love. Many people would choose Duty and obligation because that is also how the world judges you by and measure your integrity. And this is a big reason why many people stay married when they can't stand their spouses and hate their marriages. It's because they have been conditioned that staying married is a duty and obligation especially if you have children together, and that you're a horrible person if you divorce and break up the family, and that wanting to choose Love (for someone else) is selfish. You read it all the time on this Dear Cupid forum too - commenters admonishing people to give up their lover and focus on their marriage. As a result, these unhappy people end up trying to balance two lives because they can't give up their Love, but their sense of duty is also too strong they can't give that up or it would mean they are forever labeled as being horrible people. they are trying to do 'the right thing.' and therein lies the problem - what is "the right thing" to do? Who decides what is right or wrong? If you let other people decide for you what is right or wrong, then you end up trying to balance two lives because you are compelled to do what other people say is the right thing, even though it is killing you and every fiber of your being is screaming that you NEED to be with the person you love so you are compelled to hold onto that person too.In the end she needs to gather up courage - the courage to Choose and give up something that is important to her. either she has to give up her love for you, or she has to give up her sense of integrity which is tied to fulfilling her duties and obligations of marriage to someone else. Note that I didn't say she has to give up her absolute integrity - just what her sense of integrity is because different people tie their sense of integrity to different things. Not everyone ties their sense of integrity to staying married (you can be divorced and still have integrity, lots of people do, obviously...e.g. another famous example is that President Ronald Reagan who is considered one of America's great presidents, was divorced and remarried).... but the fact is that many people do equate divorce with losing their integrity because it means breaking up the family and breaking a promise they made, and going against their religion's rules. Maybe this is why she can't choose and is trying to balance two lives.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Was your marriage arranged too, or did you choose who you married? If you chose, then you should honour your vows to your WIFE and do everything possible to cut ties with your co-worker/soulmate.
If you didn't choose, and your marriage was also arranged, then I really feel for you. That would be very sad, as you have this connection and soultie to this co-worker.
If both of your marriages were arranged, and neither of you are happy in your marriages, then I would do everything for real, true love - move countries or galaxies if I had to, because I would only marry for love.
If however, she says she loves you but her actions show she is balancing both lives, then perhaps one or both of you should look for other jobs, and cut ties so that you can focus on your marriage and put the soultie in the past, or you can never be free to totally love the one you are married to.
I believe you need to make a clean break, so you can focus on your marriage, and make that everything it could be. Research, go for counselling, and give it your ALL. How does your wife feel? Does she love you totally? A lot is dependent on how your marriage came about...
This situation is affecting your personal and professional life, so clearly you need to make a change. Not working together is the first option towards letting go of her, and out of your mind. She will always have a special place in your heart, but another time, another place, another lifetime perhaps, but now you are both married. Unless both of you are in arranged marriages, I cannot see another way but to let go.
Good luck and wishing you true happiness!
xxxx E
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